Part 3: I Wish I Could Lie To You
by pjstillnoon
Summary: Part 3. Strong T rating on all chapters. There will be M. You wanted angst and here it is. You requested M and there is that too. These two don't get a smooth journey. Will they get a happy ending? Chapters updated 24/3/13
1. Chapter 1

Cal closed his eyes. He felt physically sick. Where would she go? Who did she know in the city? Friends of course and acquaintances galore, but no one she would trust to run to. Her brother in Virginia was close enough. But that was too obvious. She knew he would check there first. Plus, Cal got a sneaky suspicion that Kate would absolutely call him to let him know she was there, even if Gillian instructed her not to. Then there were her parents in San Diego. But that was all the way across the country and she wouldn't go _that_ far away from Lewis. Plus, with all she had already said on the subject of her parent's reconciliation, Cal doubted she would even want to be there. So who or where did that leave? Emily? No way. Em would definitely call him and Gillian wouldn't burden the young woman like that. Cal thought again, pushed his memory out to its limits. No one from work. Too close to home. Who else? There had to be someone else...

Casey.

The thought snapped Cal's heart into action. He knew for sure. Casey made perfect sense. She was one of Gillian's closest friends, they hadn't seen each other in months since Casey had moved, Casey was a psychologist and Cal knew Gillian had talked to her on other occasions about things that were bothering her. And Casey was just far enough away in New York that put Cal out of reach, but close enough that she could be home within hours. He grabbed for his phone and connected it to the internet. He was bringing up a phone directory when he realised that Casey had moved in with a guy and Cal knew no more about the guy than his name was Mark. He should have paid more attention. He should have snooped. That's what he would have done before. And this kind of situation was the very reason why he did stuff like that.

Cal threw his phone against the wall. It bounced to the floor, managing to keep in one piece while it clattered over the tiles of the kitchen. '_Shit_,' Cal thought. '_Shit, shit, shit_.' Think again. How else could he track her down? Did Gillian keep a phone list on the hard drive of her computer? Cal went to his laptop and remotely connected to the server at the office. He'd never done this before. Hard to believe, but he'd always afforded Gillian her privacy. Not because she would shoot him in the balls if she ever found out he had done something like this, but because he had always trusted her. He had never had a need to hack into her hard drive on her work computer. He asked her and she told him. And now she was gone. She had run away and she wasn't answering her phone and he needed to know where she was. He had always needed to know where she was. He wanted to know what was going on in her head. No, he _needed_ to know what was going on in her head. He needed to know that she was ok.

When she said she was leaving, did she mean for good?


	2. Chapter 2

Gillian was vaguely aware of Cal getting out of bed. She figured it was for Lewis because she didn't remember hearing the alarm go off. And she thought in the back of her mind that she should also get up as well but she was too tired, too far under for more than that to register. She drifted out and then back in as she heard the low rumble of Cal's voice in the hallway. Then she faded out again. The blaring alarm woke her next and it was a struggle to roll over to Cal's side of the bed and switch it off and then get out of bed, even with her heart hammering from the shock of the sudden noise. She stumbled into the bathroom and started with an easy task while her mind warmed up: brushing her teeth. Then she had a shower and by the time she was dressed and blow drying her hair she was thinking about the day ahead of her. Firstly the date, which helped her remember what was scheduled for that day, meetings, appointments, and then the cases on her desk; some of them finished, some of them under review, some of them not even attempted yet.

The date.

"Hi," Gillian greeted as she came into the kitchen. Cal turned away from the stove just in time to catch her kiss meant for his cheek on the lips. "Mm," Gillian gave a pleased hum in the back of her throat. "Good morning."

"Mornin' luv."

Gillian pulled away slightly. "Guess what?"

Cal opened his eyes to study her. Nervous anticipation. "What's that luv?"

"I'm late." A pause and her eyes brightened. "You know, _late_, late."

A second to register and then Cal's eyebrows shot up slightly. "_Late_, late?"

"Uh huh."

The surprise expression deepened; the eyebrows went further, his pale blue eyes widened. Gillian's face had gone from excited to careful, gauging his reaction. "How late are you?" Cal asked next. Excitement coiled in his stomach and waited to pounce. Better to be sure first though, before he let it loose.

"About a week."

Cal remembered his eggs and quickly shunted the pan off the gas. "A week? That's not long."

Gillian looked distinctly dejected. Cal cursed himself for being so flippant; it was not a conversation to just comment on in passing. It didn't take a body language expert to know that this was a very sensitive subject for her. Cal caught her wrist before she could turn away from him. "Hey! I'm not sayin' this isn't excitin', I'm just sayin' before we get our hopes up, maybe we should be sure? Know what I mean?"

Gillian gave a little nod. Lewis squealed loudly from behind them. Cal ignored him. "Gill, look at me." He tilted her head up to meet his eye. "Anotha baby would be amazin'," and he let the sheer joy he felt at having another baby with her show clearly on his face for her to see. "But our track record for kids is a little wonky. I want to be sure before we get our hopes up. That's all." He hadn't forgotten that sickening gut wrenching feeling from the year before when the IVF hadn't worked. Twice.

Gillian's eyes turned a little optimistic.

"All right?"

She nodded. Cal kissed her quickly. Lewis screeched again. Cal ignored him some more. "I wouldn't be surprised if you were pregnant again. All that sex you insist on havin' with no birth control."

Gillian gave a slight smirk and pushed past him. Cal grinned at her retreating back and held it long enough for her to see when she glanced over her shoulder at him, like he knew she would. She reached Lewis who was standing up in his highchair. "You're not supposed to climb out of your chair," she told him, hooking her hands under his arms to lift him. "You could fall."

Cal brought her a cup of coffee. "We neva finished that convasation about havin' anotha baby."

Gillian looked at up at him from her seat at the kitchen table.

"By the way," Cal added.

Gillian deftly moved her coffee cup out of Lewis's way with one hand. "No we didn't," she agreed cautiously. "Shall we have it now?"

"Shall we?" Cal went back to the stove. He split the eggs in half and spooned them onto two plates. When he settled at the table he noticed the tense set of Gillian's shoulders. "Let's hear it then," he told her. "Do you wanna have anotha baby?"

"I don't know."

Her answer surprised Cal. He thought for sure she would say 'yes' and they would go from there. He could see the yearning in her. He was half prepared to go through the process again.

"I mean, if I _was_ pregnant, then that would be great. But falling pregnant and having to go through IVF are two different things," she avoided his eye a little while she spoke, pretending to fuss over Lewis, offering him some of her breakfast.

Cal chewed his eggs slowly. He knew what she meant. IVF meant pulling themselves up to a completely different emotional level and last time had been so difficult. "Fair point." They'd have to find strength reserves Cal wasn't sure existed; their batteries were flat. The last year had drained them dry. And they were still recharging. "So if you're pregnant that's great and if you're not then we just leave it at that?"

Gillian gave a slow nod.

"We could talk about IVF at a late-a date?" Cal suggested carefully, openly, no pressure laden tone there.

Gillian shook her head. "I don't want to go through that again."

_Even at the risk of another kid_, they both finished in their heads.

Cal studied her for a second and she let him, her blue eyes staring at him evenly. Cal gave a slight nod. He understood. Lewis suddenly squealed in his mother's arms. She offered him some more of her eggs. Lewis's pale blue eyes looked up at her with a glint and he leaned forward with his mouth open, eagerly awaiting the fork. Cal finished his breakfast and the last of his coffee and stood. It was time to get ready for work. He could analyse the strange feeling in his chest while he was in the shower.

**PJ**

"Lewis," Cal called from across the room. The little boy stood with his back to his father, finding the stack of washing folded on the couch interesting. Well, the bottom shirt with the bright yellow dump trucks was interesting. "Leave that mate," Cal called gently. Lewis ignored him, didn't even glance over his shoulder as he used his left hand to dig at and tug the material towards him.

"Lewis," Cal said again, firmer this time. The boy was standing three feet away from him and he carried on as if he were alone in the room. Cal put his laptop down on the coffee table and scooted forward so he was sitting on the edge of the armchair. He wanted Lewis to start learning that there were some things he wasn't allowed to do. "Lewis," Cal said again, his tone low and bordering on dangerous. Lewis didn't tend to understand _what_ Cal was talking about, but he understood tone of voice.

Lewis got a firm grip on the shirt and pulled it, along with the stack of washing. "Lewis!" Cal raised his voice as he got to his feet.

Lewis turned, startled. He held out the shirt to his father. "Oh!"

"Yeah, I know it's your favourite," Cal responded. He leaned down to pick up the washing. "I just folded this though." He swiftly put the piles back in order while Lewis traced his left index finger over the pattern of trucks making little noises of interest. "Serves me right for not puttin' it away when your mutha told me to huh?" Cal scooped up the washing, leaving Lewis with his trucks, and put the clothes away in their homes; dressers and wardrobes, the towels in the hallway cupboard. As Cal moved around he made sure doors were closed behind him. Now Lewis was walking around he had limited reign of the house. Bedrooms (aside from his own), bathrooms and the kitchen were out of bounds unless someone was in there with him.

As Cal headed back to the living room, his phone buzzed in his pocket. It was a message from Gillian. She was telling him she was on her way home. He smiled slightly, loving that she felt the need to inform him, or maybe warn him, even though he didn't need to keep tabs on her whereabouts at all times. Cal rounded the doorway to find Lewis slamming his hands down on his laptop keyboard. "Dammit Lewis!" Cal cursed in a normal tone of voice. Lewis didn't move, didn't react, just carried on as if he were alone in the room. Cal crossed the room in three quick strides and grabbed Lewis up. Lewis startled again and promptly burst into tears. Cal was more worried about the state of his laptop right now than the waterworks of his son.

The screen was covered in random letters and the mouse icon was showing an hourglass filling, turning and filling again. "What did you do?" Cal breathed to himself. Lewis let out a howl and squirmed around to be let go and Cal continued to ignore his dramatics feeling annoyed. He shouldn't have left the machine within reach and Lewis didn't know any better, but still... if his work had been lost he would be irritated. If the computer was screwed he'd be really pissed off. Lewis buried his face into Cal's shoulder. "All right," Cal finally acknowledge the bawling one year old. "It's all right. I'm not mad." Lewis didn't react. Cal placed a hand on the back of his son's head and stroked the soft blond hair. It had grown into curls Gillian and just about everyone else adored; and Cal didn't have the heart to insist on cutting off, even though it was getting long.

Lewis pulled back and gave his father baleful blue eyes. The tears had miraculously stopped. Cal watched how the lap top suddenly caught up with the workload and page after page of text scrolled down as it all loaded at once. Cal sighed. At least it was still going. And if it was just letters he could delete them easily enough. The most worrying thing out of the whole encounter seemed to be how slowly the computer kept up. Perhaps he was due for an update.

"Oh!" Lewis pointed behind him. "Mama!"

Cal turned to see Gillian coming through the doorway, stepping over the railing that stopped Lewis wandering out of the room, reusable shopping bags in her hands, her purse dangling from a shoulder. "Hey," she greeted and then a slight frown. "What's going on?"

"Your son is trouble," Cal told her as Lewis started crying again, forcing the tears out this time, just as loudly as before.

"Aw," Gillian dumped the food on the couch and reached out her arms. Lewis was already diving out of Cal's embrace before Gillian was two feet away. Gillian soothed Lewis while Cal went to comfort his laptop. He sat and pulled it into his lap, checking the damage. Twenty pages of random symbols and letters. Cal highlighted the lot and deleted it, then quickly saved the work. The computer took a while to process his requests but complied. Cal shut the machine down. Sometimes, all it needed was a bit of a rest.

They had baby proofed the house once Lewis had taken his first shaky steps. He got more confident with walking around as the days went by and it was for their sanity as much as his safety that they did it immediately. Anything precious or breakable was moved onto shelves above Lewis's reach, or into cupboards with childproof locks. Locks went onto all low cupboards and drawers. They even fixed furniture to the walls so Lewis couldn't climb up on it and topple it down on him; particularly the TV, stereo and bookshelves.

Cal disconnected the computer from the wall, put the plastic childproof plug back in, and straightened up. He noticed for the first time that Gillian and Lewis had gone, and so had the groceries. Cal put his computer down on the centre of the dining room table, his temporary office, and moved on to the kitchen. Lewis was in his highchair mashing pieces of banana into his mouth, his hair, his shirt and the seat cushion. Banana was his favourite. Gillian was rearranging vegetables in the fridge to make way for the new ones she had bought. Seeing as Lewis hadn't announced Cal's arrival into the room, he snuck up on his wife and circled his arms around her waist before she had a chance to turn around and spot him also.

"Hey," she greeted warmly.

"Hi," Cal nuzzled his nose into her neck. He asked: "Did you get it?" At the same time Gillian asked: "What happened?" Cal straightened up and pulled away. Gillian turned and let the refrigerator door close. "Me first," Cal insisted.

Gillian gave a small smile. "Yeah I got it."

Cal broke into an eager grin. "Well then?"

"You want me to go do it right now?"

"Why wait?"

"Because I'd actually have to need to pee to be able to pee on the stick." She pushed past him to the bags on the bench top. Cal turned on the spot but didn't follow her. So, she was nervous then. He wouldn't help by putting more pressure on her. Fair enough. He could wait then.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hi darlin'."

"Hey Dad."

"How's things with you?" Which was code for: why are you ringing?

"Good," Emily's voice rose at the end so it sounded a little strained.

"So what's up?" Cal prompted, knowing without having to see her face that something was on her mind. He wondered if it was to do with Ajay, or finding a job, or something to do with her mother. At least now she had finished school he didn't have to think back over twenty years to remember what the hell he had learnt while he was supposed to be attending university. Or maybe she was ringing to tell him she had made a decision about finishing becoming a lawyer.

"Just thought I'd check in and say hi."

"Did you miss me?" Cal teased. "I saw you a week ago." For Lewis's first birthday. Emily and Ajay had both come and stayed for the weekend. Cal hated that she was so far away. He would have loved for her to just pop on over whenever either of them felt like it. He wanted her to get to know Lewis and he wanted for Lewis to know his big sister. But such was life. She was doing her own thing now.

"I always miss you Dad," Emily responded seriously.

Cal got up from the bathroom floor and quickly made his way to the master bedroom, where Gillian was reading on the bed. He didn't have the heart to continue teasing her. "I miss you too luv. Phone calls from you are always welcome." Cal covered the mouthpiece of his cell phone. "Can you watch Lewis? It's Emily."

Gillian nodded and put her book down immediately. Cal closed the bedroom door behind her and refocused on the conversation.

"Ok, I do have something I kind of thought I'd run by you."

Cal fought down the urge to draw the conversation out of her. Better to let her tell him in her own time. "I'm listenin'," he said gently taking up a perch on the bed where Gillian had been sitting a moment before. The mattress was warm from her body, which is exactly why he sat there.

"Mom offered me a position at her firm."

Cal waited. "Doin' what?" He asked when it was clear she was waiting for his response.

"Interning over summer or just until whenever."

Again Cal waited. It was hard to tell what it was that Emily wanted from him so he asked.

"I want your opinion on what I should do," Emily responded.

"You want me to tell you what to do?" Cal asked surprised and perturbed. This was one of those situations in which if he said the wrong thing she would get mad at him.

"No," Emily said slowly. "I was wondering if you thought it was a good idea."

Cal paused, more like: hesitated. "Honest opinion?"

"Sure."

"I don't think it's a good idea." He heard Emily start to speak and cut her off quickly. "But let me explain why." He heard the squeal of Lewis close by which meant he must be out of the bath now. "While it would be great for you to intern in a law firm ova the summa and I think the experience would be invaluable, not at your mutha's. First off, two lawyers hardly makes a firm with a lot of invaluable experience about what it's really like to work in one. And secondly. Do you really want to be at the beck and call of your mutha? Do you not think she would lord it ova you just a little?"

Cal heard Emily let out a breath of air. "That's what I was thinking."

'_Oh thank god_,' Cal thought, relieved. He had gotten it right, even though a part of him wanted to tell her to move on back home and a job would be the perfect lure. It was so much better in the days when he just said whatever the hell he wanted. Nah, actually that wasn't true.

"Mom always has this special way of making it all about her."

"Uh huh," Cal half agreed.

"Plus, I don't really want to move."

"Well there is that."

"So what else is new?"

Cal thought of Gillian and the possible pregnancy. And then a worrying thought about Lewis. "Nothin'," he replied. It had only been a week after all. "Work is busy. Gillian is good. Lewis is mischief."

Emily laughed. "But he's so adorable! You can't possibly stay mad at him for long."

"Nope I can't. That's why he's mischief."

Emily laughed again. She told him about looking for work in Boston. She was telling him about Ajay's study when the bedroom door opened and Lewis peered through the gap, blue eyes bright with excitement. He was clearly playing a game. He walked through a little shakily, holding his mother's hand. He was in clean pyjamas and the curls at the nape of his neck were damp. "Dada!" He identified his target. Gillian smiled as she followed along behind him. Cal gave a smile and waved.

"Is that Lewis?" Emily asked.

"Yep. It's bed time."

"Say goodnight for me."

"Emily says goodnight," Cal told Lewis.

"Me me me!" Lewis responded, jigging up and down where he stood and falling on his backside.

Cal waved to the phone. "Say goodnight back." Lewis understood waving. That meant goodbye. "He's wavin' to you."

"Aw that's so cute. Give him a hug and a kiss for me."

"Sure will."

Gillian lifted Lewis up onto the mattress and he dropped to his hands and knees to crawl into his father's lap. Cal braced himself against a stray limb to the groin. He caught one on the inside of his thigh that made him wince. Gillian walked around the bed to the other side while Lewis attempted to climb up Cal's torso.

"Bedlam has arrived here sweetheart," Cal told his daughter. "Let me call you back."

"No that's cool Dad, you've got other things to worry about. We can talk some other time," and Emily hung up on him. Cal felt a cold rush of realisation. Lewis grabbed for his phone and Cal swiftly moved it out of his reach. Lewis gave a screech of frustration that made Cal wince again.

"Ow my ears," he told Lewis. Blue eyes looked back at him with blank confusion. Another thought niggled at Cal.

"Lewis come here," Gillian called from her side of the bed. She was preparing for his nightly feed and Cal could see her breasts had swollen in anticipation. Cal tipped Lewis off his lap towards his mother so he would get the idea of where he was meant to be. He thought about calling his daughter back. They hadn't finished their conversation. He had suspected that it might happen and had hoped it wouldn't, but he heard the hurt in her voice. His world stopped when Lewis came into the room and that was at the expense of his time with Emily. And now she knew it too.

"What are you thinking about?" Gillian asked softly.

Cal glanced over at her. She was curled up on her side, Lewis within the crook of her arm. Her fingers were in the soft blonde curls at the back of his head. "Zoe offad Em an internship ova summa."

Gillian quirked an eyebrow. Cal knew what her opinion to that idea was without her opening her mouth. Cal gave a slightly amused turn of his lip, his way of saying 'yeah that's what I said'. He needed to make it clear to Emily that she was important to him, that he hadn't replaced her with Lewis and that he loved her. Going up to see her for the weekend wasn't entirely out of the question now that Lewis was older. Maybe he could suggest it? She was less likely to travel back home these days; money the biggest issue. And besides, if she came here he would still be distracted by Lewis. Maybe meet somewhere neutral? No Lewis, no Ajay.

"Cal?"

"Yes luv?" He turned his head towards her again.

"Sorry to interrupt whatever's going on in your head, but Lewis is asleep."

Cal looked down. Lewis had his eyes closed. His cheeks were a little pink and his small fingers continued to poise like they were still pressing against his mother's chest. His mouth was still open, lips slack now, and he periodically made a sucking motion, as if his mother was still there. Damn he was a cute one, Cal thought while he shifted on to his knees to scoop the little guy up in his arms. Lewis stirred slightly, his jaw worked and his fingers flexed. Cal pressed him up against his chest so he was secure while he shifted off the bed and headed out of the room. Lewis's bedroom was already prepared for him. The curtains were closed. A dim light was on and his favourite soft toys were in the crib.

Cal stood for a moment holding his son, feeling the warmth of the little body against his heart. Lewis smelt like soap, washing powder and faintly of Gillian. Cal gave him a kiss and lowered him gently to his bed and rearranged the blanket over his torso. The room was warm enough without it really, but not even Cal could sleep properly without some sort of covering. It was comforting. Cal ran his hand gently over his son's head and bade him sweet dreams. He waited to make sure Lewis was settled and still asleep and then left the room, with the door open slightly, just in case Lewis needed them in the night. If the baby monitor went down, they would definitely hear him calling out. The kid had some lungs!

Cal wandered through the house, checking the doors were locked, the coffee pot stocked. He thought briefly how he had almost ceased drinking tea now that he was a father again. At his age, he needed all the help he could get. It was strange to think back, to just a few years ago, that this house had been strange to him and he and Gillian were not together and the cause of that had been his fault. '_I've raised my family'_. He remembered saying it to her. He remembered the look in her eye as she realised they were going separate ways. It felt like another lifetime, a whole other world. He couldn't begin to picture how he and Gillian would be now without Lewis.

In the bedroom, Gillian was reading again, propped up against the end of the bed. She glanced up at Cal as he came in and asked if Lewis was settled. Cal confirmed he was as he headed for the bathroom. He reached for his toothbrush and squeezed the last of the paste out of the tube. He leaned over to put it in the rubbish bin and as he pushed back the flap he caught the sight of something that made his heart give a funny beat. He stood and stared at it for a moment before realising he would look incredibly silly if he was caught like this. He dropped the tube of toothpaste and the flap fell back into place. He stooped next to open the cupboards under the sink. As quietly as he could, he searched for the box with the pregnancy test. It was right in the back, amongst a hoard of Gillian's pampering products, exfoliating scrubs, body washes, soaps, bath bombs, make-up, hair clips, a hair brush, emery boards, loofas, a box of tampons. '_So much stuff for one_ _woman_,' Cal thought. The pregnancy test box was intact, unopened. She hadn't taken the test. Cal put it back exactly as it had been and grabbed a new tube of toothpaste. He straightened up again, closing the cupboard doors quietly.

He brushed his teeth and used the toilet and as he washed his hands again he caught his reflection. His dark hair had lightened so much he probably couldn't get away with describing it as dark anymore. And his beard was flecked with so much grey and white it almost disappeared on his chin. He would be absolutely insane to want this wouldn't he? '_Right_.'

Right.

Cal turned off the bathroom light and pulled the door closed behind him. Having a baby in the house had reminded him of how to be quiet. The door didn't even bang in the frame. He padded across the room to the bed and crawled over Gillian's legs to his side. Cal dug around until he was settled under the covers, one hand behind his head, lifting it up slightly from flat against his pillow. On this side of the room he was closest to the window and all of Gillian's things, because they still hadn't swapped back. Maybe she liked being closer to the bathroom and the bedroom door. It didn't matter.

Cal turned his head to look at his wife. She was concentrating on the page but as she became aware of his gaze her determination broke a little. Cal could see it in the flicker of her eyes; she was thinking. Finally she looked over at him. She gave a slight smile, inviting him to say whatever it was he wanted to say.

"Why didn't you tell me you got your period?"

Her smile faltered, fell away. Her legs dropped flat on the mattress and the book fell out of her grasp. "How did you?" She shook her head slightly, as if telling herself it didn't matter. And then she glanced down and away. Cal's heart constricted painfully. Shame. He wanted to tell her not to be ashamed, that it didn't matter to him if she was pregnant or not, that he wasn't accusing her of hiding anything from him. But that would mean he'd have to confess that he was reading her.

"I got it this afternoon," Gillian admitted. Cal continued to watch her steadily. "Nothing to say to that?" She looked over at him.

"What do you want me to say?" He saw a flash of sadness on her face and realised he was being an insensitive bastard again. Well, not insensitive, but not sensitive enough. He shifted and turned over to drape an arm across her chest and press his body against her in an embrace. "Sorry," he murmured against her cheek. "I'm sorry for bein' callous. And I'm sorry your period heralds the fact that you're not pregnant, that there's not anotha little Lightman on the way."

Gillian tensed against him initially, as if she were mad at him and then she softened and shifted her arm to place a hand on the back of his shoulder. "Are you disappointed?"

"Yes," Cal admitted gently. He drew back to see her face. He wondered if she had known; was that why she hadn't taken the test? Did she know it would have been a waste of time?

"Then I'm sorry."

Cal frowned. "Why are you sorry?" He clicked even as he said the words. "Not your fault. Your fertility; it could just as easily have been me."

"And would you feel any less guilty about it than I do?" Gillian challenged.

"Probably not," Cal mumbled hating that she was right.

"Do you want to have more kids?" Gillian asked after a pause of silence.

Cal's eyes had drifted away to an uninteresting point on the wall. He refocused his gaze on her. "I wish I could lie to you and say that, no I don't, that I am entirely satisfied with what we have. And I _am_ entirely satisfied with what we have. But I'd love to have more babies with _you_." A pause. "That's the truth."

"Babies?" Gillian emphasised the plural.

Cal gave a quick grin. "Yeah. Two or three."

"More?"

Cal's lips twitched into a smile he couldn't repress. "Yeah. How many kids do you want?"

A small smile played on Gillian's mouth. "I was thinking two or three; total." Cal laughed. Gillian's amusement sobered up quickly though and it made Cal feel anxious. "We shouldn't do this."

"What's that?" Cal's expression hardened.

"Talk like this. When it's not ever going to happen."

'_When did she turn into a pessimist?_' Cal thought. "It could happen." Gillian looked away from him and Cal saw a world of hurt and years of desperation all in the space of a second. "I know talkin' about it sometimes reminds you of what you don't have," he spoke carefully and his voice drew her back to him. Her blue eyes remained guarded. "But fantasises and hope are good for us. Othawise its always dark clouds and thundastorms. Know what I mean?" He saw the understanding there before she gave a slight nod 'yes'.

"I think I understand now why you named Lewis 'Hope'."

Cal smiled. "You been tryin' to figa it out?"

Gillian's lips twitched. She was trying not to be amused. "Yes."

"You could have asked me."

"Would you have told me?"

Cal thought for a micro-second. "In hindsight, no. It's far more amusin' knowin' you've been thinkin' about it."

"Was that the point though? Having me work it out?"

"Sort of."

"So I could come to the conclusion that Lewis was the biggest signal of hope in my life and that if he's possible than anything is possible? And that maybe I should have a bit of hope? A bit of faith?"

"Not quite what I was goin' for but it sounds pretty damn good," Cal admitted. "I was thinkin' that Lewis just represented hope. That when we hoped we got him and that was a pretty worthwhile reward."

Gillian pressed her cheek against Cal's as she embraced him. "Yeah he was." A pause. "He totally was."

Cal let the hug go on for a few moments before speaking again. He liked how his wife felt within his arms. "If it were so easy, I'd definitely say we should try for anotha baby." Gillian pulled away from him slightly. "But it's not easy and it's not worth the heartache I see on your face every time it doesn't work. Every time the IVF failed and you were gutted, it broke my heart. I can see now that it's botherin' you and I can't take that kind of pain anymore. That might sound selfish, but what I mean is that I don't want for you to feel that kind of agony again. I don't want you to feel like a failure. Lewis is livin' proof that you're not."

Gillian sighed and pressed in tight against her husband again. "I'm endlessly grateful for you too you know." A pause. "I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without your strength. I haven't relied on someone so heavily before in my life. It's been hard for me to do that, but I trust you Cal. And I hear you. You're right. We can't do it again. Neither of us would survive it."


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: M chapter!_

**PJ**

Cal stood at his dresser putting a handful of socks away. He liked to line them all up by colour, which Gillian found amusingly anal but it meant he could hunt around for socks in the dark of the morning if he needed to and pick up the right ones. And that was usually so he could be considerate to her if she was asleep. So he lined up the thick, white sports socks on the left and then his assorted darker work socks on the right. All right, so it wasn't that anal after all, just sorting them by use. Right in the back were the pair of pink socks Emily had bought him as a father's day present when she was thirteen and feeling facetious. He wore them on occasion but mostly he didn't want to wear them out. That way he could keep them for a really long time. He joked with Gillian that he wanted to be buried in them. She had laughed but then Cal had seen a strange look in her eye at the mention of his death and he had switched the subject very, very quickly. Too much, too morbid, too soon. They had only been dating for a little while after all.

"Hey," Gillian greeted coming into the room.

"Hey yourself," Cal shut the drawer and turned just as she stepped into his personal space. She gave him a kiss. Just the one, so Cal stole one back. "What's up?" He asked finding his hands were on her hips and he hadn't even consciously reached for them. There was something in her eye that he liked.

"Well I'm feeling completely horny right now and I wondered if you fancied a shag?"

Cal felt a twitch in his groin and a simultaneous groan escape his lips as his jaw dropped open. "That was brazen."

Gillian gave a half shrug, her hands running up the length of his arms to his shoulders and around to the back of his neck so she was essentially pulling herself in closer against his body. "Thought I'd try it out. What do you think?" She traipsed fingers through the hair at the back of his head.

"Love it," Cal growled lowly. He felt frozen to the spot, wanting to grab hold of her and rip her clothes off, but sub consciously waiting for her to make the first move; not just tease him.

"And did you notice something else?" Gillian asked, all wide blue eyes and feigned innocence, hot breath and breezy words.

"What's that?" Cal bit out feeling the sweat from his own palms making her shirt a little damp. The only thing he had noticed was that she was teasing him up a storm and it was taking very little effort to do so. His legs were shaking slightly with the effort of holding himself poised in once place. And she had barely even touched him yet.

Gillian raised an eyebrow slightly. "Do you need me to spell it out for you?"

"Yes please," Cal panted. He felt coiled, ready to strike; he was just waiting for the correct command. He was listening for his cue. Maybe he had missed it. God, please don't let him have missed it!

"S," Gillian started. Cal realised with a slight grin she was literally going to spell it out for him. "H," she continued slowly. "A." She paused, waited for him to cotton on. A long second ticked by. "G," she finished and Cal pulled her forward so quickly their jaws crashed into each other as their mouths connected. Gillian giggled in the back of her throat and it drove Cal wilder, the fact that she had used a British-ism on him lost for a second. His hands moved to her upper arms and he turned her so abruptly into the wall she stumbled a little. But she didn't seem perturbed. She grabbed for him, reaching for the top of his pants and tugging him closer while he was already in motion. The result: Cal slammed into her a second later, his knuckle striking the wall so it popped painfully and then he ignored it.  
Gillian kissed him hungrily. All these years together and she was still hungry for him; Cal took that as a good sign. A very good sign. He slid his hands under her shirt, feeling the firm pressure of her breasts, already starting to swell with milk to feed her son later in the evening. She moaned and slammed her hips into him and slipped a hand around his waist to make sure they stayed pressed against each other. Cal ground his hips back so she was flat against the wall again, loving the friction. He nipped at her neck lightly and then teased his tongue on the sensitive spots. Gillian slapped her hand roughly against his shoulder. "If you leave a mark so help me god," she warned.

Cal chuckled. "No marks, I swear." He shifted to her ear to prove his innocence. He got another moan for his efforts and then her hands were between them, undoing his jeans. Her frantic fingernails caught the scar from where his appendix had been taken out, sending a jolt of pain into Cal's abdomen. He flinched and ignored it. Then he was in her hands and he dropped his forehead to her shoulder, losing the will to breathe as she stroked him gently. She always knew just exactly how he wanted it. He wondered if she could tell by his face, or his body language, or his tone of voice, or if she just _knew_, and "Ohhhh god!" Cal moaned.

"Shhh," Gillian told him gently. "Don't attract any more attention to the fact that we've both left Lewis in his own company."

"Then we betta swap," Cal pushed himself off the wall and dragged his face down the front of her heaving chest as he prepared to descend to his knees and find his way under her skirt.

"No, up," Gillian tugged on his hair before he got lower than her navel, drawing him back to her height. "We don't have time for that."

"We don't?" Cal breathed.

"No. You know what Lewis is like. Leave him alone for more than ten minutes and he starts wondering where the hell everyone's gone and why no one's paying attention to him."

"Huh," Cal agreed grazing his teeth along her throat. "Sounds like me."

"Doesn't it?" Gillian's voice rose in pitch as she agreed. Cal wondered if that was because of him, or that she was still giving him shit even when they were fooling around.

Cal started pulling her towards the bed but again, Gillian's hands stopped him, fingernails digging into his arms, bordering on painful enough for Cal to shrug her off. "No," Gillian told him in a gasped breath. "Here."

"Demandin' aren't we?" Cal dove into her neck again.

"Is that a problem?" Gillian asked sharply.

"Nope."

"Then do it Cal. I want you in me," she whispered gently.

Cal just about choked, her tone was so intimate. "But what about foreplay?" A voice told him to shut up, he was off the hook. Another voice reminded him he _liked_ playing with her. Foreplay wasn't always for her benefit; he took great delight in getting her to squirm and call out wildly with just his tongue. He was quite talented with his mouth after all; and not just being gobby.

"I'm so hot for you right now," Gillian retorted. "You had me at hello."

Cal grinned and Gillian gave him a slight smirk and Cal could see how dilated her pupils were, so they were almost entirely black. She took his hand and deliberately moved it under her skirt. Thank god it wasn't one of those skin tight numbers she sometimes wore to work. This one was fitted around her hips but a little looser as it went lower down to her knees. Her grip tightened as she drew him closer and closer until her fingers were squeezing painfully around the scar on his wrist with her self induced slow pace. Cal found his fingers stretching out to reach her as he sensed he was getting closer and then he was brushing against her thigh and more as Gillian guided his hand blindly. They both let out a moan as he connected. And she was right. She was hot already.

"Oh my god," Cal breathed feeling a sudden surge of desire spike his groin. As he got older, his self control had gotten a lot better. But not on this occasion. He used one hand to hook her leg up to his hip and the other to guide himself into her in such a sudden thrust he ended up slamming his own head against the wall over Gillian's shoulder. Gillian called his name, shifted her hips for him, dug her fingers into his shoulder for stability. Cal had a sudden flash of a memory from years ago. From his office. They had never gotten around to more sex in the office.

"Cal," Gillian urged. "Go."

Cal took a deep breath and evened out his weight on his feet. He thrust against her causing them both to shiver.

"Yes," Gillian breathed. "Just like that."

Cal moved again, encouraged. He set up a steady rhythm, feeling his wife's body responding to him in so many different ways, the slickness of sweat, the heat from her skin, the quick cadence of her breath, the smell of pheromones in the air, the sweet flavour of her mouth.

"Mama!"

Cal stumbled.

"Don't stop!" Gillian urged desperately giving his shoulder a few quick taps. Cal found his pace again.

"MUM!" Lewis called louder.

Cal turned his head towards the bedroom door. It was open and from there he could see a line down the hallway. He couldn't see the lounge from where he was standing, but he knew it was possible from the doorway. "Can he see us?" He asked breathlessly.

Gillian also turned her head. "I don't know." She smacked him harder this time. "Go! I'm serious! If you leave me hanging I'll hurt you."

"I might like that," Cal responded with a grin.

Gillian narrowed her eyes. With her cheeks flushed and her hair slightly mussed and the desperation in her gaze, it was hard to take any kind of threat seriously. She suddenly switched to vulnerable. "Please?"

Cal moaned, unable to resist. She kissed him delicately until their tempo returned and Cal tried to block out the sounds of his son crying out for his parent's on the other side of the house. He focused on Gillian instead, paying attention to how she gasped for breath, how he could tell she was close and, he noted, how close he was too. Then when Lewis sounded like he might be crying Cal finished it for the both of them.

"Oh, that was great," Gillian breathed as Cal let her go.

"A little distractin' with a cheerin' section," he backed up a few feet, shuffling because his jeans were around his ankles.

Gillian straightened her skirt. "I'll get him," and she slipped out of the room.

**PJ**

Gillian snaked a hand under his shirt, over the appendix scar to tuck in to the waist band of his underwear at his hip. Cal didn't flinch but his eyes shifted around under the lids. "Are you awake?" She whispered.

"Depends," Cal mumbled.

"On?"

"What you want."

Gillian let a small giggle roll around the back of her throat. "I was just wondering if you were awake."

"Then I'm not."

"What if wanted something else?"

"I could be interested, dependin' on what this somethin' else is."

Gillian moved her hand, smoothing over his ribcage and up his chest. "Never mind." She told him. She had just wanted to lie with him for a moment. Her hand trailed over his skin again as she made to move away. Except Cal rolled with her and caught her arm with his hand and pulled her against his chest. He didn't say anything, just held her for a moment. It didn't take Gillian long to melt against him, finding all the curves and hollows along is body into which she fit. She splayed her hand across the bare skin of his back, still under his shirt.

"Hmm," Cal hummed. "That feels good."

Gillian pressed harder and Cal let out a groan. "Are you ok?"

"My war wounds are achin'."

Did that mean war wounds literally? Or was he just complaining he was getting old. "What does that mean?" She asked.

"It's gonna rain?" Cal responded as if he were guessing.

Gillian gave a light laugh and ran her knuckles up his spine.

"Ohhhh," Cal groaned again. "That felt fantastic."

"Isn't that how you used to rub my back when I was pregnant?"

"Yep," Cal's breath was tight.

"Roll over, I'll give you a proper back rub."

Cal immediately rolled into her. Gillian laughed and shifted out of his way and he moved onto his stomach. Gillian stood on the mattress, straddled over him and dropped herself down onto his butt. Cal let out an 'ooph' of air. "Why does your back hurt?" She asked him seriously shoving his shirt up to his shoulder blades.

"I tend to find people who enjoy kickin' me there," Cal responded, his voice muffled by the pillow he buried his face in. "And I find otha people who insist on havin' a shag up against the wall."

Gillian smirked at the back of his head, indulging because he couldn't see her.

"I saw that," Cal turned a pointed finger backwards to wave at her vaguely.

Gillian pressed both hands into the small of his back and he jerked underneath her. "Too hard?"

"No. Not hard enough."

Gillian pressed again.

"It's very quiet. Where's the munchkin?"

"In your bottom drawer," Gillian answered. Cal lifted his head to see. Lewis had pulled the drawer open and was yanking out the contents quietly. Gillian had got up to get him and now she had come in to wake her husband.

"Great," Cal complained. "Why didn't you let him get into your drawers?"

"Do I look stupid?"

"Lewis, come ova here mate, leave Daddy's jersey's alone."

Lewis ignored him and fingered a dark blue, thick, woollen cardigan.

"Lewis!" Gillian called. The blonde head came up.

"Oooh!" Lewis pointed at her and held out the material slightly. It was heavy, and he struggled under the weight of it.

"Come over here," she invited while running her fingers up Cal's back. Funny, last time she had given him a back rub was also after the last time they had had sex against a wall.

Cal reached out a hand. "Come here buddy," he requested firmly. Lewis held out his hand towards his father, inviting him to feel the material too. "Bring it ova here," Cal suggested.

Lewis gave him a blank expression.

Gillian leaned over the mattress. "Come on Lewis," she called to him. Lewis got up and staggered over to the bed, dragging the cardigan along behind him. Gillian pulled him awkwardly up onto the bed with them.

"You notice that?" Cal turned his head around to see them. Lewis found it even harder to walk around on the soft surface so he crawled and scooted until he could show the wool to his mother.

"Scratchy huh?" Gillian told Lewis fingering the material herself. She hadn't see Cal wear it. Then she gave him her attention. "Notice what?"

"Lewis," Cal clarified. "He doesn't respond unless I raise my voice."

Gillian gave him a slight frown. What was he talking about?

"You neva noticed that? He doesn't react unless you speak up? He doesn't respond to the telephone ringin'?"

"Yes he does," Gillian quickly pointed out. "He finds my cell phone ring fascinating."

"Because it's loud. And because you're payin' attention to it."

"What are you saying Cal?" Gillian threw back.

"I'm just wonderin' if you eva noticed anythin' like that. I guess not." He threw his face down into the pillow again.

Gillian hesitated. Then she turned back to her son who was trying to climb into her lap. Not that she had much of one. "Want to help me give Daddy a back rub?" She pulled Lewis up in front of her, so they were kind of sitting on Cal like he was a motorbike. "Like this," she showed him how she was rubbing her fingers up and down his muscles.

Lewis slapped his father's skin, "Ah, ah, ah!"

"Ow!" Cal's head came up and he craned around. "Gentle with Daddy!"

Lewis froze.

"Gentle like this," Gillian took his much smaller hands and guided them under hers. "See? Gentle."

It sounded like Lewis said "blemblemmm," which Cal took to mean 'gentle'. "Much betta," he told his son. Maybe he was wrong about Lewis. There were plenty of instances where Lewis had reacted to him. There were plenty of times when his own cell phone ringing had brought his son's interest. Maybe he was just being silly.


	5. Chapter 5

Another few months went by and Gillian was late again and she allowed herself the briefest glimmer of a thought that maybe, this time, she could be pregnant. She didn't feel any different though, not that she had a great record of 'knowing'. A few weeks late was hardly a reason to call a halt to everything she knew to be true. But still. She thought about it. And when she watched Cal with Lewis she felt a yearning inside her that wouldn't abate. He was so different around their son, so soft and caring and patient, and it made her fall a little bit more in love with him every time he set up elaborate games for Lewis to play with, or when he spent hours reading books to him and stayed up with him in the night when he was sick, or was the first to jump at changing his diaper, or take him shopping, or down to the park. She wondered if that was what it was like for addicts; Alec, her father. Did they fight it every day? Or could they forget. Would she be able to forget? Would she learn to repress it? Would that ache in her chest one day leave her alone?

After another month had gone by and she still hadn't got her period, Gillian pulled the pregnancy test from where she had stashed it in the back of the bathroom cabinet. She checked the expiry date on the box; she was still within the time frame. But only just. As she pulled on the tab and slipped one of the white sticks into her palm, Gillian realised her hands were shaking slightly. Then she felt nerves in her stomach and then a light-headedness. She took a deep breath to steady herself. It was just a test. It didn't mean anything. In fact, she expected it to be negative. If she expected it to be negative, then she couldn't possibly be disappointed when it was. Right?

Gillian read the instructions, because she was a girl, and that's what they did, even though she figured it was going to be pretty straight forward. Then she lifted the lid on the toilet seat and sat and felt a sudden pang of nerves that dried her bladder up. She took a deep breath, relaxed and when she finally had a stream going inserted the stick to cover the end. At least this test had a nifty little cap to put back over the end she had just peed on so that she didn't get urine on her hands. And then Cal burst in.

"Oh sorry," he immediately apologised and reached for the door to close it behind him on his way out again. Then he stopped and stared and Gillian realised he was staring at what was in her hand. He came in and pushed the door shut behind him. Like there was any need. Lewis was having an afternoon nap and they were alone in the house. He crossed to the vanity where the box with the other test was still sitting. He picked it up, gave it a rattle and tipped the other stick out onto his palm, just like Gillian had done a few minutes ago. He studied it thoughtfully. While he was distracted, Gillian stood, pulling her skirt down over her thighs again.

"You know, I've always wanted to pee on one of these things," Cal suddenly announced approaching the toilet. Gillian ducked out of his way, having a hard time meeting his eyes, thinking about leaving the room but knowing she had to face him. He was already undoing his fly as she crossed to where he had been standing a moment ago. She washed her hands while he spread his legs into his usual stance and popped the cap off the pregnancy test. "Don't watch me, I get stage fright," Cal shot over his shoulder. "And leave the tap on, it helps."

Gillian couldn't help but smile even as she felt sick with being caught doing something important behind his back, and that added with worrying about what the results of the test would be. She left the tap running as she dried her hands but she turned around to watch him anyway. Sometimes he had eyes in the back of his head, but he wouldn't know for sure she was observing unless he looked over his shoulder. And mid stream, holding a stick into his flow meant he ran the risk of peeing on his hand. Gillian felt confident she could watch him, amused, from across the room, without being caught doing so too. Gillian smiled again as the full impact of what he was doing hit her. He was taking a pregnancy test. Hilarious! Gillian giggled.

"What's that for?" Cal spoke up as he came to an end. He shook and then popped the cap back on the test. "Somethin' funny with my bits?"

"No. Your bits are lovely."

Cal shot her a grin over his shoulder. He did his pants up again and reached to flush.

"You're funny because you realise you just took a _pregnancy_ test?"

"Yeah. What do you reckon it'll say?" He gave it to her and Gillian quickly memorised which one was which, while he washed his hands. The one in her left hand was his. The one in her left hand was his. The one in her left hand was his.

Wouldn't it be obvious when the results came in which one was which?

"I'd say it might well be negative," Gillian responded lightly.

"It'll probably say 'what are you doin' numbnuts, you're a bloke'."

Gillian laughed again, surprised that she was suddenly able to make a joke out of this; she could be pregnant. Cal reached around her to dry his hands. "Oh sorry, sorry," he brushed against her on purpose. Then he ducked his hand and snatched her pregnancy test.

"Hey!" Gillian protested feeling her stomach flip flop. She pushed herself off the vanity but Cal had already escaped from the room. She followed him to the bedroom, hand on hip, demanding he give it back.

"You've got mine," he pointed out rolling across the mattress to come to a standstill on the other side.

"But we know what yours is going to say," Gillian retorted.

Cal gave her a steady gaze. "Why'd you take a test?"

"Why do you think?"

"Late again?"

Gillian nodded.

"Seems to be a lot of pregnancy scares goin' on at the moment."

"Does that bother you?"

"No," Cal answered carefully. "All right yes it does."

Gillian steeled herself for an argument she could feel brewing inside her.

"I'll tell you why," Cal pointed a finger. "Seein' as I can see you gettin' all bristly."

And that wasn't helping to diffuse the situation.

"It doesn't botha me about havin' anotha baby if you recall. It botha's me that you didn't tell me about it first. And it botha's me that you're still holdin' out for it."

"Isn't that what you wanted? Hope?"

"Yes," Cal said guardedly. "But you know that's not what I mean."

Gillian suddenly deflated. It took three times the amount of energy trying to be mad at him. It was hard because he could read her face and body language, because she was so very much in love with him, and because he was right. She hung her head in fatigue, not shame. "I know," she murmured. "I can't help myself. It's like an addiction to me. That's the only way I can think to describe it." She paused and chanced a glance at him as she took a seat on the edge of the bed. He was watching her carefully but he also looked defeated. And that made her feel worse. She was dragging him down with her.

"I know all about addictions darlin'," he sat in a mirror image of her, still on the other side of the bed.

"It feels like gambling," Gillian went on, selecting not only Cal's poison of choice, but an analogy that was the closest to how she felt. "I always think 'one more time, just one more time and this time will be it'. And when that doesn't work I think 'one more time, just one more time and _this_ will be it'."

Cal sighed. "I know."

"I'm sorry I keep doing it to you."

"Do you think maybe we should call gamblas anonymous?" He gave a slight smile and Gillian returned it. But she remained silent. Because she had no idea what to say. "So," Cal inclined his head. "What does it say? Should I start knittin' booties?"

Gillian turned the test over in her hand and checked the window. "It's a boy!" She tossed it to him and Cal studied the single blue line that was a negative test.

"I'd have to say I'm relieved," he spoke gently. "Cos I'm not sure exactly who the fatha could have been."

Gillian laughed. And then quickly sobered up again as Cal turned over her pregnancy test in his hand. Her heart started pounding and her mouth went dry and she simultaneously wanted to throw up and pass out. She tried to study his reaction but it seemed like her vision was clouding at the edges and distorting the light. She couldn't see. Not until he looked up. His face was neutral. She was pretty sure if the test was positive he would be grinning right now.

"Sorry luv," he said gently.

Gillian felt the bile rise in her throat as her stomach clenched. For a second she felt hollow, numb, empty. And then it all rushed in and there was a high pitched whining in her ear and tears in her eyes and Cal was over the bed in a flash and practically in her lap and pulling her into a hug. Her face was on his shoulder and she sobbed while thinking this was utterly stupid. She shouldn't be so upset every damn time. She shouldn't let herself get so built up about it. Wasn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?

**PJ**

"I wish I could lie to you. Tell you that everythin' will be fine. Perfect. That good people always get what they deserve. That you will be rewarded."

Gillian sighed, shifted her head slightly. Cal's hand tightened on her arm and relaxed again once she had settled.

"But I don't believe in a god that is tryin' to test us."

Neither did Gillian. She was more of a spiritualist. But the idea that she was torturing _herself_ over the baby thing was almost harder to bear than if there was an external force pushing her through her life like a pawn.

"I wish I could help you to get ova this."

Gillian had stopped responding to him because he was merely thinking aloud. They would lie in long periods of silence, keeping an ear out for their son, and sometimes they would talk. But mostly it was Cal doing the talking now and mostly he was just musing out loud.

"So what do I do?"

A pause.

"No seriously Gill. Tell me what to do? How do I help you? Because I'm at a loose end ova this and the story keeps on goin' around in circles ova it. If we're goin' in circles we're not movin' forward. And you and I have always been so very good at movin' forward."

There was no accusation in his tone, no demanding, no blaming, just the slightest hint of desperation. He was sad and it made Gillian sad to think that she had made him sad. Not when he had leapt over tall buildings to get away from being sad himself. But she had no more answers than he did. She was sure there'd be a support group out there for individuals with fertility problems. She was sure she could find a million women desperate to and unable to be mothers. But where would that get her? Was there a twelve step programme for getting over this? And shouldn't she just be grateful for what she had? A beautiful son and a stunning husband. Shouldn't that be enough for her? Wasn't she being insensitive to both her boys by pining for more? For pining for something she was suggesting she didn't already have?

"Sweetheart?"

"I don't know," she muttered feeling the choking well-up of emotion in her throat again.

"We have to do somethin'," Cal pressed.

"I know."


	6. Chapter 6

Cal felt a small hand on the inside of his thigh, just above his knee. He looked down to find Lewis there, holding out a sheet of paper to him. Cal took it and thanked him. Lewis had dirt around his mouth as if he had been eating it and the front of his t-shirt was saturated with drool and water and mud.

"What are you doin' out there?" Cal put the paper on the bench and then bent to pick Lewis up. He put him down on one of the stools at the breakfast bar and made sure he had his balance before taking a look at the piece of paper he had delivered; he kept a hand on the boy anyway. Cal chuckled as he read it.

**How do you expect me to stay out here when I can ****smell**** what you're cooking?**

"That Mum of yours has very little self control," Cal told Lewis. He picked up the over large marker he had been writing back to her with.

**HAVE SOME SELF CONTROL**

"Ready?" Cal asked his messenger. He folded the paper back up into a square and set Lewis down on the ground again with the paper in his hands. "Give it to Mum." Lewis toddled off, running a few steps before having to stumble around a bit before he got his balance back. Then he climbed carefully over the lip of the door frame and threw his hands up above his head to screech his way across the deck to where his mother was lying in the sun. Cal could see her calves when he stood on tip toes to peer out the kitchen window. He could hear the high-pitched exclamations as she thanked Lewis for the message. Cal smiled to himself and turned back to his work.

In front of him were julienne carrots, leeks and cucumber, crushed fresh ginger and garlic, slithers of marinated and cooked chicken breast, smoked salmon, lemon wedges, Nori sheets, avocado and pickled daikon, although how the hell Gillian actually liked that stuff Cal didn't know. It was bright yellow and had the weirdest flavour. Plus he had a sushi mat and an abundance of cooked sushi rice, short grain and sticky, sweetened rice wine vinegar and a play by play recipe and instructional manual on how to make the rolls properly.

What Gillian could smell cooking was her birthday cake. More recipes and research and Cal had found her favourite. And he had also found he could make it easily at home. There were two chocolate bases and a truffle fudge mix for the middle and then after it was sandwiched together he was going to cover the entire thing in thick chocolate ganache. Ganache, he had learnt, was chocolate and cream mixed together over a pot of boiling water. Easy. And already he was driving Gillian insane with his mad baking skills. He had never really baked before. That was always Gillian's delight. She made cookies and other treats for Emily, when she was a girl, and for herself, to be honest. She had attempted to ply Cal with them too, except he didn't have much of a sweet tooth. He dug sushi though.

Again, the little cool hand on his thigh announced the arrival of his son. At this rate he wasn't going to get any work done at all and it was nearly lunch time. The smell of chocolate cake was warm in the air and even Lewis had taken a keen interest in the oven until Cal had blocked it off by putting up the barrier that usually kept Lewis confined to the living room across the deck doors. But he had cried when he wasn't allowed back in the house and then screeched to get Cal's attention and waved the first of the notes. Cal had allowed him back in under that proviso only. Cal took the message and lifted his son to the stool again.

**You're a tease. I'd like to make an official complaint. Lewis seconded it. He also demanded you tell him what you're making for lunch because he's hungry, or else face investigation. I know the world's leading deception expert. You can't hide forever.**

A small smile played on Cal's lips as he read it. "Your Mum thinks she's so funny!" Cal told his son gently. Lewis was sucking on his fingers. Cal gave him a disgusted frown. "Now that can't be hygienic." He reached for a strip of cooked chicken. "Here," he handed it over and wrote a quick reply and then folded the paper up while Lewis chewed, eyebrows dancing around as he made little 'hmms' of appreciation.

**LEWIS IS NOT HUNGRY. HE JUST ATE HALF THE GARDEN BY THE LOOK OF IT. WE'RE HAVING CHEEESE TOASTIES**

Cal went back to his already laid out Nori sheet. He wet his hands and grabbed a handful of the sweetened rice and pressed it onto two thirds of the sheet. He compacted it down with his fingers. Then he made a little groove at the edge of one third and placed some of the carrot strips into it, some chicken and avocado. When he was satisfied there was enough to fill the roll, he picked up the edge of the sushi mat and turned over the rice on itself. He made sure the first turn was nice and tight and rolled the rest of it up, wetting the edge of the Nori sheet that had no rice on it so that it would stick. His first attempt was a little wonky but he was pleased the filling was mostly in the middle. He cut the log into one centimetre sections and placed them on a plate. Then the hand was back. Cal offered Lewis some carrot this time.

**What are cheese toasties? Is that cheese and toast? Because in America we call them grilled cheese. How long have you lived here now? Also, it's cake I can smell, not cheese. What say you?**

"Did you tell her there was cake in the oven?" Cal asked Lewis. Lewis wiggled his eyebrows at his father in response while he chewed.

**IT'S NOT GRILLED CHEESE IF ITS NOT COOKED ON A GRILL**

"Here," Cal gave Lewis the message back. Then he reached for a paper towel and wiped Lewis's nose. "I don't know about your Mum lettin' you run wild." He also wiped his son's fingers and then set him on the ground again.

Now Cal knew what he was doing he made two more rolls before Lewis was back with his sheet of paper. Gillian had run out of room but that didn't stop her. She wrote around the margin so Cal had to turn the paper around three hundred and sixty degrees. "Wait there," he warned Lewis and rushed to the office where the printer was set up with paper. He grabbed a clean sheet off the stack and was back to his son within a minute. But still, in that time, Lewis had gotten to his feet and crawled across the bench to where Cal had laid out his sushi bar. Lewis had his fingers in the chicken. "Oi!" Cal exclaimed and picked up his son fluidly. "No," he told Lewis who, with a fistful of chicken was not bothered in the least. Cal put Lewis back on the stool and held on to him with his left arm while writing a response to his wife. Then he took Lewis to his bedroom and got a clean nappy and the baby wipes and loaded up Lewis's arms and sent him outside again.

"Cute!" He heard Gillian yell from her perch on the deck.

Cal chuckled and washed his hands and went back to making sushi. Five minutes later he had several rolls, some of them actually perfectly round, some of them with just chicken for Lewis, some of them with chicken and sweet thai chilli sauce for himself. Just as he was finishing arranging plates Lewis came back with the dirty nappy and the accompanying note. Cal picked Lewis up and held him so he could drop the rubbish in the bin and then held him over the sink so he could supervise hand washing. Once he was clean he set him on the stool, held on to him so he couldn't steal anymore food and read the note.

**You're right. It looked like half the garden was in there. Love you. Remember, payback is a bitch. **

Cal laughed. "All right young man. It's lunch time." He put Lewis down but stopped him from walking away. "Here," Cal handed him a plastic bowl with Lewis's share of their lunch. Lewis went to grab it straight away. "Wait!" Cal told him. "Outside," he pointed to the doors. Lewis waddled away, his clean nappy making a squishy soft sound as he padded barefoot. Cal grabbed his plate and Gillian's and followed him quickly.

"What have you got there?" Gillian was asking Lewis as he climbed up on the lounger to sit on top of her pelvis. She sat up slightly to see into Lewis's bowl and as she did that Cal proffered one of her own. She looked up at her husband with a slight smile. "You made sushi?" She took the plate and Cal picked up her right leg so he could sit. Then he draped it over his lap and gave the back of her knee a tickle. She squirmed and Lewis, who was picking apart his sushi to get to the chicken, looked up, confused as to why his seat was moving around.

"Uh huh," Cal responded cramming one of his pieces in his mouth entirely.

Gillian half laughed, half looked dismayed. "Well I was going to say that's so sweet but now I'm a little disgusted."

Cal chewed and swallowed half his mouthful. He spoke around the rest, "Is that cos you've been feedin' Lewis dirt out here?"

Gillian gave him an unimpressed expression. "Lewis found the dirt of his own accord."

"Glad to see you were on it though," Cal finished the rest of his morsel. The chilli sauce left his tongue and cheeks tingly.

"Didn't see you out here changing his diaper."

"I was makin' your lunch! Which you're not eatin' by the way," he feigned hurt.

"Ah!" Lewis announced he had found all the chicken. He held out his bowl to Cal.

"You missed some," Cal told him. "Try this," he scooped up a small bunch of rice grains, minus the Nori, and offered them to Lewis. He leaned forward to suck the offered food off his father's fingers and wiggled his eyebrows up and down as he tried something new. "Good huh?" Cal asked him, taking another of his own rolls and biting it in half.

"Really good," Gillian complimented trying some of her own. She squirmed her left foot into his back side. "Thank you."

Cal gave her a smile. "You're welcome. Happy birthday."

Gillian smiled back.

"Ba ba baa-baa!" Lewis echoed.

"Aw thanks Lewis," Gillian told him, but Lewis was more interested in his father because he held food. Cal gave him some more rice and they ate peaceably in silence for a moment.

"This really is good," Gillian told Cal again.

"Worth the wait?"

She nodded, "But not the banishment. It would have been a nice view watching you in the kitchen with just that on." Cal gave her a slight smirk. "Are you going to get dressed?" She asked him innocently.

"And ruin the view?" Cal feigned surprise. Lewis announced he'd had enough and climbed down off his mother, striking her hip bone with his elbow as he went so she winced and shifted to sit up a little higher.

"You can't wander around in your underwear all day," Gillian pointed out.

"Why not? Lewis is in his undawea," Cal pointed out, turning to see his son had stepped down off the deck and was flinging dirt around the backyard again. "And so are you," he added eyeing up her figure from behind his squint. Well, she was in a bikini, but that didn't really cover up much more than her bra and panties did anyway. "Bloody hell."

"What?" Gillian responded. She looked down. "Did Lewis get half chewed rice on me?"

"You have abs!"

"What?" Gillian repeated in disbelief with a half laugh.

"Yeah you do," Cal leaned forward to trace his finger over the outline of the taught stomach muscles. Maybe not a six pack, or maybe not even two, but still, her stomach was flat again and tighter than he'd ever seen it and the outline of her oblique's was definitely defined.

Gillian's stomach quivered and she sucked in a breath quickly. "Don't do that," she breathed out.

"You look bloody fantastic," Cal growled at her, his sushi abandoned so he could inch up her body where she reclined. Her skin was hot. Probably from the sun, but it still felt good. And she smelt like coconut, probably from sun block, but still, it smelt good. When he was close enough Gillian kissed him. Sweetly at first the then surprising him with a full on assault. He growled again in his throat. And then a cold hand on his arm made him pull back with a different kind of surprise.

"Dada," Lewis held out a grimy hand. In his palm was a worm.

"Oh that's so..." Cal started. Lewis insisted on giving it to him. Cal held out his hand. "Thanks mate but you should really leave him in the garden. He's doin' good things for our earth."

Having delivered his present, Lewis took off again. Cal waited until his back was facing him and heaved the worm over the edge of the deck, where it hopefully had landed back in the garden, though several good feet away from the young gardener intent on disrupting the non-anthropoid's life.

Gillian ran her hands over his chest to draw his attention back to her, over his nipples. Cal turned back quickly, little shocks of desire making a bee line to his groin. "Hey, that's cheatin'."

Gillian smirked up at him. "I thought I was allowed to do whatever I wanted on my birthday."

"Yeah but..." Cal thought quickly. Not quick enough. He couldn't think of a response. Then he heard the buzzer of the oven telling him the cake was ready to come out. "I have to go."

"Aw no, stay," Gillian used her smoky voice and it made Cal twitch with desire.

"They're playin' my song darlin'," Cal hauled himself upwards.

"Am I allowed inside yet?" Gillian asked his retreating form.

"No!" Cal yelled back.


	7. Chapter 7

"Emily, my darlin' daughta!"

"Geeze, what have you been smoking?"

"Nothin' since I was in college, I swear."

Emily laughed. "What's up then?"

"The sky, the ceilin'."

"Clearly your endorphin levels."

"You pre-med now?" Cal teased back.

"Nope. Still bumming around with no idea what to do with my life. How's your life?"

Cal bit back the first response on his tongue. "It's life. That's how it is."

"Does that mean something's wrong?"

Cal thought of Gillian. Then he thought of Lewis. He was two for nothing at the moment with both of them. But with Emily he was going to make it one for three. That, at least, would improve his odds by a third. If he could just get one thing right at the moment. "Nothin' in particula is wrong darlin'. Life's just hard sometimes. You know? Workin' lots, wife nags me to do the dishes, son refuses to go to bed."

Emily gave a polite laugh. It wasn't really a joke and they both knew it. "Well I'm sorry to hear that."

"I'm sorry to burden you with my crap. Tell me about your life."

"Um, what do you want to know?"

"How's Ajay?"

"He's good."

Cal could hear the caution in her voice. "How's his thesis goin'?"

"He's working on it," careful again.

"No hidden agenda darlin'," Cal finally called her on it. "I'm askin' to be polite."

"He's meeting with his tutor now."

"How far is he gonna take it? Beyond his mastas?"

"I don't know. I think right now he just wants to get this over with."

"Fair enough," Cal relaxed into the conversation again now Emily had.

"How long did it take you to write your thesis?"

"How long is a piece of string?"

"You have an annoying habit of answering questions with questions."

"Yeah, funny that, I think Gillian complained about that once." Cal paused. "You realise I wrote that thing several _decades_ ago?"

"You're not that ancient Dad."

"Thank you Em. That means a lot to me." He paused again. "I woke up the otha day and found a grey hair! Can you believe it?"

Emily laughed genuinely. "God that's terrible."

"I think you should leave god out of it. It's probably his fault." And then Cal mentally curbed his tongue. Ajay came from a strict religious background. Who knew what he practiced now, and who knew where Emily stood on religion. Not exactly one of their big topics of conversation. For all Cal knew he might get a phone call one day with an invitation to attend Emily's conversion...

"So wanna talk about your problems?" Emily offered.

"Nope. Just wanna talk to you about yours. Or not even about problems. Let's not talk about anythin' depressin'. Tell me about the book you're readin' at the moment."

"Ugh it's this crappy detective novel Mom sent me."

"How is your mutha?"

"Good."

"You give her your decision about the internship?"

"Yes."

"And what did she say?" Cal prompted.

"She didn't say much. Probably blames Ajay."

"I do too. He totally holds you back."

There was a moment's silence.

"That was a joke!" Cal explained. "I think the opposite is true by the way. I think he's been a good influence on you. Just don't come home with a tattoo."

"Hypocrite," Emily shot back but Cal was glad to hear the smile in her voice.

"What's new with your mutha?"

"She's seeing someone and I noticed the change in subject by the way."

"Hey I'm tryin' my hardest!" Cal retorted. "Who's she seein'? What's his name?"

"Why are you asking?"

"It's in my nature to pry."

There was a moment's silence and then Emily bit. "Graham."

"Who's this Graham when he's not at home?"

"I think he's a financial aid or something."

"What the hell do they do?"

"I have no idea," Emily admitted. "But Mom sounded somewhat optimistic when she talked about him. And she didn't bring you up for once."

Cal's eyebrows shot up. But he kept his voice even. "She talks about me does she?"

"Yeah. Almost every conversation we have. She tells me how she saw you or how cute Lewis is and asks when was the last time I spoke to you."

'_Huh_,' Cal thought, not quite sure what to make of that. Actually, he could make a few things out of that, but he didn't want to. "What do you tell her?"

"The truth of things. But not many details. Kinda suspect she has an unhealthy attachment to you."

"Me too," Cal agreed softly.

"It's quiet where you are," Emily noted. Which was probably her way of saying they hadn't been interrupted by a screaming thirteen month old.

"Yeah. Thought we could do with some peace and quiet for once."

"It's dinner time for me though so I'll have to cut our quality bonding short."

"Quality by definition is not about quantity."

"Thanks for the call Dad. Saved me on my mobile bill."

Cal grinned. "Not a problem luv. We should do it again some time."

"I'll look forward to that. Love you Dad."

"Love you lots and lots," Cal made kissy noises down the phone. He heard Emily laugh before she disconnected the call. Cal reached for his keys and turned over the engine. He put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb. Two blocks down he was turning into his own driveway thinking he was a smart cookie for parking away from the house to make the call. It didn't matter that he was a little later than normal in getting home. Sometimes in his line of work that happened. Or wait, what was he thinking? He would just tell Gillian that he had spoken to Emily on his way home and had to pull over.

The house smelt like cooking food when Cal came in. He bee lined for the kitchen and found his wife and son there. Gillian was at the bench, halving cherry tomatoes for a salad. She had something in the oven and the heat of it, coupled with the warmth of a setting summer sun made the kitchen almost uncomfortably hot, even with the deck doors open. Probably why she had changed out of the shirt she had worn to work that morning and into a tank top that left her shoulders mostly bare. Lewis was in his highchair, wearing a t-shirt and a nappy only, amusing himself with blocks and other toys that were supposed to encourage the hardwiring of his brain. But he hadn't seen his father come in so he didn't announce his arrival and Cal was able to slip under his son's radar to sneak up on his wife. She jumped when he traced a finger over her shoulder. "Cal!" She turned on him, her eyebrows drawn into fury. "You scared the hell out of me!"

Cal gave a lazy grin and leaned against the bench. He stole a cherry tomato and Gillian threatened him lightly with the knife. Then it seemed something occurred to her because she looked over her shoulder at Lewis, who was intent on fitting blocks together. And so Cal pounced. "Hey Lewis," he directed towards the toddler. "Dad's home."

Lewis carried on oblivious.

Cal was very aware that Gillian was watching the interaction. Cal raised his voice a little bit more. But Lewis continued to ignore him. "Maybe he just doesn't like me?" Cal suggested facetiously.

Gillian turned from watching her son to Cal. There was confusion in her eyes. And a question. She was asking Cal what that was about because she couldn't quite get there on her own. Cal had a theory and he suggested it gently. Again. "He can't hear us." He had let it go for a while, watching and waiting, but now it was time to do something about it.

Gillian's face clouded into a more serious fury. Her knife hand turned towards him and Cal fought the urge to back up out of her way. "He can too! He does hear us."

"But only if we speak up. You eva noticed that? We always raise our voices when we talk to him and he only eva exclaims back. He doesn't say more than three words and he always yells them."

Gillian's face frowned mildly. She hadn't noticed it. But there was disbelief in there too. She even shook her head slightly in denial. "You can't say that about our son!"

"Actually I can," Cal straightened up. He reached up into the cupboard to take down plates for dinner. He turned to face her and walked past so he was now between her and Lewis, who still hadn't noticed him. Cal put one of the plates on the bench. The other he dropped at his feet from waist height. He watched Gillian's reaction as the plate shattered loudly around his shoes; she flinched from the noise. Cal didn't have to look over his shoulder to know Lewis hadn't reacted to the loud and obvious crash. He could see it on Gillian's face. When Cal did turn to see his son, Lewis had spied a shard of the plate scooting along the floor to rest under the table. He was peering at it, clearly intrigued, probably wondering where the hell it had come from. But he wasn't reacting to the noise, that was for sure. He looked up a second later and saw his father. "Dada!"

Cal crossed to him, shoes crunching on the broken shards of plate and the illusion that Lewis was perfectly fine. He kissed the top of his son's head. "Hey Lewis," he said gently feeling a squeeze of sadness around his heart. He wanted to be wrong. He wanted more than anything for Lewis to flinch as the plate shattered. But he knew it hadn't happened and he knew there was something not right. And now Gillian saw it too and they could do something.

Two for three.


	8. Chapter 8

Dinner was a relatively silent affair that night. Not because Gillian was mad at him. Cal suspected she was in shock. But he wasn't done proving his point so he peppered Lewis with questions. Where was Mum? Where was his teddy? Where was his bedroom? Which one of these was the cat? What noise did the cat make? And Lewis didn't know. Well, he could identify his mother but that was the extent of it. And even though Cal had researched and suspected that this would be true for Lewis, as it would for any kid where the messages weren't getting through properly, it tore at his guts. He wasn't hungry. They didn't eat. Except Lewis, who seemed unperturbed beyond the blank looks he gave his father when he didn't understand what was being asked of him.

Lewis should have been able to respond to more than just his name by now. He should know what 'no' meant. But he only hesitated when Cal was staring right at him, and that was probably because he could read his father's body language. Ironically, he could probably read his father's face. In fact, Lewis only tended to repeat words that were said directly to him. Finally Gillian had had enough. She pushed back from the table and left the room. Cal sat back in his chair with a sigh. Defeated. That's how he felt. If Gillian wasn't on board with this than he was going to have a hell of a fight trying to get Lewis help. Or at least assessed. In the very, very least, he should be assessed by his doctor. Surely she wouldn't fight him on that? It could even prove that Cal was wrong. That would be fine.

Gillian came back a minute later. She pulled out the chair next to Cal's. In her hands was Lewis's growth record book. Every significant thing that had happened in Lewis's life was noted down. Gillian had been keeping it a bit like a diary. Cal had seen it before of course, but Gillian showed it to him now, flipping to the appropriate pages; she knew exactly where they were.

"His hearing was checked at every visit," Gillian showed him the first four checkups in the first four months, and then at six months, nine months and his first birthday. "And it was fine." She showed him the notes she had made, the results of the tests. "It was fine," she repeated, trying to convince herself. She searched with a fingernail down the pages for key words. Cal didn't really give a toss what the book said. He watched his wife instead. She was starting to see. She was scared. He could see that on her face. Finally she stopped and looked at him and they sat for a moment.

Cal felt a pain in his heart; to sit there and see that beautiful face of hers sick with worry. He hoped he was wrong. He hoped it was simply a case of a developmental issue. They had been warned about brain damage. Maybe Lewis was just slow to understand. Not that that was much better. He would prefer it if his sweet little boy was perfect so that his life would be unlimited in any way. But... he saw a slight flicker on Gillian's face. She was agreeing with him. He had forgotten they could do this. Talk to each other without words. She was telling him she was on board. They would do whatever it took for Lewis. Anything. Nothing was off limits.

"Do you think it's his ears?" Gillian spoke. Her voice was quiet but compared to the silence of the house it was like she had screamed at him.

"I don't know. Maybe?"

"Do you think he's completely deaf?"

Cal felt bad for talking about Lewis right in front of him. "No. I mean, he must hear some stuff right? He talks a bit and if you speak up he reacts."

Gillian nodded numbly, her blue eyes were hazy. "What if it's not fixable?"

"Then we'll deal with it."

"Do you think it's fixable?"

Dinner was a relatively silent affair that night. Not because Gillian was mad at him and giving him the silent treatment, but, Cal suspected, because she was in shock. But he wasn't done proving his point so he peppered Lewis with questions. Where was Mum? Where was his teddy? Where was his bedroom? Which one of these was the cat? What noise did the cat make? And Lewis didn't know. Well, he could identify his mother but that was the extent of it. And even though Cal had researched and suspected that this would be true for Lewis, as it would for any kid where the messages weren't getting through properly, it tore at his guts that his boy didn't have answers for the most basic of questions.

Cal wasn't very hungry. They didn't eat much. Except Lewis, who seemed unperturbed beyond the blank looks he gave his father when he didn't understand what was being asked of him. Lewis should have been able to respond to more than just his name by now. He should know what 'no' meant. But he only hesitated when Cal was staring right at him, and that was probably because he could read his father's body language. Ironically, he could probably read his father's face. In fact, Lewis only tended to repeat words that were said directly to him. Finally, Gillian had had enough. She pushed back from the table and left the room. Cal sat back in his chair with a sigh. Defeated. That's how he felt. If Gillian wasn't on board with this than he was going to have a hell of a fight trying to get Lewis help. Or at least assessed. In the very, very least, he should be assessed by his doctor. Surely she wouldn't fight him on that? It could even prove that Cal was wrong. That would be fine. He would be ok with being wrong right now.

Gillian came back a minute later. She pulled out the chair next to Cal's. In her hands was Lewis's growth record book. Every significant thing that had happened in Lewis's life was noted down. Gillian had been keeping it a bit like a diary. Cal had seen it before of course, but Gillian showed it to him now, flipping to the appropriate pages; she knew exactly where they were.

"His hearing was checked at every visit," Gillian showed him the first four checkups in the first four months, and then at six months, nine months and his first birthday. "And it was fine." She showed him the notes she had made, the results of the tests. "It was fine," she repeated, trying to convince herself. She searched with a fingernail down the pages for key words. Cal didn't really give a toss what the book said. He watched his wife instead. She was starting to see. She was scared. He could see that on her face. Finally she stopped and looked at him and they sat for a moment, watching each other.

Cal felt a pain in his heart; to sit there and see that beautiful face of hers sick with worry. He hoped he was wrong. He hoped it was simply a case of a developmental issue. They had been warned about brain damage. Maybe Lewis was just slow to understand. Not that that was much better. He would prefer it if his sweet little boy was perfect so that his life would be unlimited in any way. But... Anything, right now, seemed better than if Lewis was deaf. Cal saw a slight flicker on Gillian's face. She was agreeing with him. He had forgotten they could do this. Talk to each other without words. She was telling him she was on board; she was listening to him. They would do whatever it took for Lewis. Anything. Everything. Nothing was off limits.

"Do you think it's his ears?" Gillian spoke. Her voice was quiet but compared to the silence of the house it was like she had screamed at him.

"I don't know. Maybe?"

"Do you think he's completely deaf?"

Cal felt bad for talking about Lewis right in front of him. "No. I mean, he must hear some stuff right? He talks a bit and if you speak up he reacts."

Gillian nodded numbly, her blue eyes were hazy. "What if it's not fixable?"

"Then we'll deal with it."

"Do you think it's fixable?"

"I don't know luv. Maybe? Some kids have troubles with their ears. Ear infections and fluid in the ear, they're common." Yeah, he had researched it already. Those two things were at one end of the scale, mild and completely reversible. If it was something else, well then it got a little bit out of Cal's understanding. Genetic disorders and nerve damage and all sorts of other things he didn't know about the human ear. Sometimes he wished he had done his clinical hours instead of going straight in to research; he would have done rotations in all departments of a hospital as part of his training. He might know more than what he knew now. "Whateva it is, we'll deal with it."

**PJ**

The evening got quieter and more subdued as it wore on. Cal felt inexplicably tired or maybe just drained. Time was ticking by at the slowest rate he had ever experienced. He was tired but also wired and it seemed he couldn't keep his mind still. Every little creak of the house sent his brain firing with a rotation of thoughts about his son and his wife. Lewis could be deaf. Gillian wasn't coping. Lewis might be deaf. And Gillian wasn't coping. Lewis could be brain damaged after all. Gillian wasn't coping. Lewis might have brain damage. And Gillian wasn't coping.

There might be something wrong with his son.

And his wife wasn't coping.

When Emily was three she'd fallen out of a tree and broken her arm. How she got in the tree, Cal had no idea. But he and Zoe had spent a tearful, fear filled afternoon in the emergency room worrying about the worst case scenario because she'd hit her head on the fence on the way down and there had been a lot of blood. Head wounds always bleed profusely, Cal knew that, but still, he couldn't help but worry about his little girl. She was a tall skinny thing at three but still so small and her arms so thin. And it was his job to protect her. He second guessed the precautions they took as parents. He should have known instinctively that she would have the strength to pull herself up into the tree. He should have been able to anticipate it. Right?

He was supposed to be doing a better job.

He was doing the same thing now. Second guessing. Everything. His ability to be a good father. The wisdom of having another kid so late in life. The birth. Their choice in doctor. The strength of his wife. The strength of his son. If he hadn't been completely out of his mind kissing her that night in his office. Taking that risk. That kiss had set everything in motion. Gillian hadn't been able to forget about it and she hadn't let Cal. She had pushed him into everything he wanted even after he had tried resisting. He resisted because he thought he should. He thought she deserved better than him. If he had, everything could have been so, so different. Not that Cal wished for that. He didn't. Not for him anyway. He wanted things to be different for her. She deserved better. She had already paid her dues. He wanted to be able to make her happy. And he was failing so epically at it right now.

"I thought you were gonna start weanin' him," Cal noted as he came into their bedroom. He suspected and he had been right; it was time for Lewis to go to bed. At least one of them had been able to carry on as if nothing had changed. As if their world hadn't crumbled a little bit around them.

"Leave me alone," Gillian told him with an edge in her voice. She caressed her son's head, the way she always did when she fed him, but Cal saw an extra allowance of tenderness in her touch tonight.

Cal was a bit surprised by that. She very rarely spoke to him with that tone of voice. So when she did he didn't quite know what to do. Normally, before they had been dating each other, or if it were someone else, when he used to wear his mask and was a bastard to everyone, he would have some obnoxious retort out of his mouth in the next nanosecond. But he couldn't do that with their boy in the room. He couldn't do that to her. Not now. Not ever. So he left the room again and went to the living room and fought back the urge to cry.

**PJ**

"Doctor Lightman, we need you to interview Mr Grayson," Ria quickened her pace to match his bandied leg stride as he powered towards the exit.

"Can't. I'm goin' out."

"But we've been working on this case for _days_," Ria pointed out. And they had been waiting to get to Grayson for _days_.

"Well go ahead and knock yourself out," Cal responded.

"You said when we found Mr Grayson we should wait for you explicitly."

"Changed my mind," Cal shot over his shoulder as he reached the door. Gillian was waiting for him outside, Lewis in her arms. She was in a summer dress and she had dark sunglasses perched on her nose. She looked good and it should have been just another casual late-summer afternoon. The sun should have made her smile, but even from several feet away Cal could see the grim expression on her face. Cal turned to face his employee and she nearly walked into him he stopped so abruptly in the doorframe. "I have to do somethin' important."

"More important than Grayson?"

"Yes."

Ria's eyebrows went up. Then she glanced at Gillian and Lewis and put two and two together. She softened her tone, "All right then, should we wait for you?"

"I won't be long," Cal told her. He started striding away again.

"Wait!" Ria called. "Does that mean we should wait for you?"

Cal approached his wife. Normally he would have kissed her cheek in greeting. But she was distant and he was nervous.

"You do enjoy torturing her and Eli don't you?" Gillian asked dully as he took Lewis from her to put him back in his car restraint. She gave Ria a wave.

"Got to get my jollies somehow," Cal responded with little inflection. He was so anxious it was hard to tell if he was sweating because it was hot, or because of his nerves. Even Lewis was sticky damp and he fought Cal as he put the seatbelt over his head. "He's grumpy," Cal noted as he climbed into the passenger seat next to his wife. He had a flash to the last time he had been in the car with her. Far happier times. She had flirted with the guy behind the counter at the gas station and it had awakened an awful jealousy in Cal. So she teased a finger along the inside of his thigh all the way home again. Now, Cal just sat slumped with the weight of worry and Gillian gripped the steering wheel too tightly.

They were preparing for the worst case scenario.

**PJ**

Doctor Adler's office was air condition but there wasn't the usual hush of a doctor's reception present; he was in paediatrics. Kids were everywhere, snotty noses and chicken pox. One kid had a broken arm. A little girl in a pink dress gave Cal a bunch of plastic flowers and under different circumstances, or perhaps in another galaxy, Cal would have gloated that he got flowers from the little sweetheart and Gillian didn't. He thanked the girl politely and hoped she would leave him alone. He wanted to be left with his thoughts. Lewis found an oversized wooden car to play with and Cal was painfully reminded that Lewis probably wasn't making engine sounds while he drove it over the assorted blocks and books and dolls on the floor because he probably had no idea what an engine sounded like. How could he not have noticed before?

Cal looked over at Gillian, who was staring sombrely at a patch of carpet. Cal looked around. The entire doctor's office had gotten quieter since they sat down. Parents studiously avoided their eye. They could probably read a mile off that something was going on between the two of them. Cal leaned over and nudged Gillian's knee with his hand. She glanced up at him. He offered her the plastic flowers; pale yellows, pinks and blues. She gave him a half hearted smile and took the bunch, pretending to give them a sniff. Cal offered her his hand next and she took that and gave his fingers a squeeze. Cal double pumped in return; his silent signal to ask if everything was all right. It wasn't all right. But still.

Gillian double pumped in return.

"Lewis Lightman," a nurse called them. She had daffy ducks on her scrub shirt. Gillian and Cal got to their feet at the same time. Gillian reached for Lewis's bag while Cal reached for Lewis. There were three paediatric doctors in the practice. They were taken down a corridor to the office in the corner. Cal was suddenly aware of inane pipe music playing in the background. At least it wasn't the Wiggles. Or worse: panpipe Wiggles.

Doctor Adler was waiting for them behind his desk. He welcomed them in with a smile. Lewis decided he was shy and buried his face into his father's neck and shoulder as the doctor greeted him. They were offered seats and it was all very congenial it made Cal sick. He shifted Lewis so he was sitting in his lap, but the toddler was still not having a bar of it. He buried his face in his father's chest instead.

"So what can I do for you folks today?" The doctor asked.

Cal suspected Lewis was deliberately feeding drool into his shirt so was distracted when the question was asked. It was Gillian who spoke up and Cal could hear a shakiness in her voice she was trying hard to mask. She sat up straighter as she looked the doctor in the eye and Cal felt immensely proud of her in that moment. "We think there's something wrong with Lewis's hearing."

**PJ**

The first thing Doctor Adler did was ask them questions as to why they thought Lewis was having trouble hearing. He made notes of their concerns and 'hhhmed' as each point was made. Cal found it really irritating because he would neither agree with them nor disagree. The second thing Adler did was check for an inner ear infection and then for fluid in Lewis's middle ear. After that, he sent them on their way. Until those results were back there was nothing they could do but wait. Then they could either treat those problems, or conduct more specific tests.

Cal didn't feel assuaged either way and he figured Gillian didn't much either because she was silent in the car as she drove him back to work. If Cal thought about it logically, an ear infection would be the simplest easiest explanation. And certainly very easy to treat. Then he wouldn't have to worry about Lewis at all. But somehow the sense of foreboding wasn't going to have a bar of it. It hung around, for days afterwards, while they waited for the test results. At first Cal was able to convince himself that it was just an ear infection. He went back to work and interviewed Mr Grayson and he got to the truth just like he always did. When he had a spare moment in the afternoon he went online to check procedures and tests and continued to gather information. But the more he delved and the more he realised what it could mean if the results were negative, the more the foreboding crept back up on him and when he went home to find a subdued Gillian, he felt worse.


	9. Chapter 9

"I should be there with you."

A very long pause. "It'll be ok Cal."

"Are you tryin' to convince me or you?"

"Both of us. I'm hoping."

Cal smiled to himself. But it felt bittersweet.

"I'm hoping," Gillian repeated. "That it will be fine. That it's just fluid in his ears."

"Funny, I was hopin' for an ear infection."

Gillian gave a slight laugh. Half hearted though. "Well I'll take either one of those then."

"Maybe we should pick the same one. Increase the odds and all that."

"Not sure that's how it works."

"Will you call me aftaward?"

"Of course."

"Even if it's bad news? Will you call?"

"Of course," Gillian repeated gently.

"Give Lewis a kiss for me."

"Sure."

"Can you put him on so I can tell him to give you a kiss from me too?" Cal thought she might object to him making light of the situation, and also for making a crack about his hearing.

"Doctor Lightman?" Eli ventured into the room.

"Can I not get a moment's bloody peace around here?" Cal glared at him. "I'm on the bloody phone."

"Cal," Gillian's tone held a warning.

"They're worse than our son for buttin' in."

"I'll come back later," Eli voluntarily hurried out of the room again.

"I'll be there in a minute!" Cal yelled after him, knowing he was being unfair.

Gillian sighed. "What we need is another expert."

"I thought we were trainin' up our natural for that?"

"Yes, but she doesn't have a psychology degree."

"You want anotha shrink around here?"

"Well I'm only there a few hours a day now and you're stretched thin as it is."

"I thought we were copin' fine."

"We are... sort of," but she didn't sound convincing.

"Oh god, are you gonna mention the accounts again?"

"Fine," Gillian's tone became clipped.

"Whoa, wait, I was just teasin'," Cal backtracked quickly, kicking himself in the shins. This was not the time to tease her. She was already tense.

"Well it's that or put Lewis into day care so I can work full time again."

"Which is not somethin' you want to do."

"Not at this stage."

"And we can't afford it."

"Not at this stage."

"So can we afford to hire anotha shrink?"

Gillian sighed again. "It would work out to be cheaper in the long run."

"How long is the long run?"

"A year or so, maybe less, depending on how quick a study they are."

Cal turned to look out of his office window. Another brilliantly sunny day and still Gillian sounded worn out. "Maybe an extra set of hands around here would be a good idea."

"Are you agreeing with me?" She feigned shock.

"Little bit," Cal winced. "Let's talk about it late-a."

"Ok."

"Gill..."  
"Yeah?"

"Just... please call me when you find out."

"I will."

**PJ**

"Everything all right?" Ria asked as Cal slouched himself into a computer chair next to her.

"Fine," Cal responded shortly. "Show me what you got." He really didn't want to talk about his personal life right now.

Ria ran through the clip, giving her interpretation. Eli skulked around his desk so once Cal was finished with his natural he turned to him. "What did you want?" He tried to be as polite as he could; it probably didn't come across any better though.

Eli was working on a separate case and he brought up the footage. All three of them went over it and Cal was pleasantly distracted for a while. It would probably make more sense to promote one of these two. Except neither of them had a psychology degree. So that didn't really solve the problem. Cal checked his watch.

"Am I boring you?" Eli asked boldly.

"Not at the moment," Cal retorted. He bit back that he was expecting a phone call. How long did it take to get test results anyway? Not half an hour surely? Cal could feel the heavy weight of his phone in his jacket pocket. He pulled it out and checked the battery. It was still half charged. He missed the glance between Eli and Ria. When he looked up again they were watching the video footage. Cal stayed another ten minutes and then excused himself back to his office, asking Heidi to not let anyone disturb him. Not that that was always a guarantee. Cal had his speed dial working before he was even halfway across the room. It took a long time to answer, but eventually the call was picked up.

"I was just about to call you. We just left the building."

"Oh yeah?" Cal responded and then realised he was being a bit accusing.

"They kept us waiting for fifteen minutes."

"And?" Cal prompted, trying to deduce something from his wife's tone of voice. He didn't give a shit how long she had to wait with all those snotty nosed kids. His guts churned with nerves. He couldn't sit. Instead he paced in front of his windows.

"They were negative."

Cal couldn't tell if she sounded optimistic or not. "So that means?"

"Doctor Adler gave us a referral for an audiologist."

"More tests?"

"Yes."

"You don't sound worried."

"Doctor Adler explained the test to me. It sounds really easy, really straight forward."

Cal narrowed his eyes slightly. Why was she so optimistic then? Why did she sound so chipper? Had the sun finally worked its magic? "Don't more tests mean that it's not an ear infection or fluid or one of those easily fixable problems?"

"Yes and no. It's just a follow up rescreening."

Cal felt confused. But he trusted Gillian. If she felt good about it then maybe that was a good sign.

"The referral is for next week."

"Next week?" Cal was suitably unimpressed.

"That's the earliest I could get an appointment."

"All right then."

A pause.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah luv, I'm ok. Just tense with all the worry. Feels like a bit of a let down. I kinda wanted to know today one way or the otha, you know?"

"I know. But inconclusive is not a death sentence."

"That's a good point."

"See you at home?"

"You're not gonna come in today?"

"No. Lewis is in a weird mood. And I'm tired."

"You're always tired," Cal noted.

"Yeah," Gillian sighed. "That's what I get for running around after a thirteen month old at my age."

Cal gave a slight smile. That might have even been a joke. "All right then darlin'. I'll see you at home late-a." He blew her a kiss down the phone and hung up.

All right, so maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

**PJ**

Cal sat with his laptop on his knees and waited for it to find and connect to the wireless network surrounding their house. Gillian was on the couch with Lewis watching TV. Thankfully it wasn't the Wiggles this time. Something else on Nickleodeon though. Something that made Cal want to pluck the hairs out of his nostrils. He didn't know how kids found it interesting. It was practically gibberish. All the bright colours probably. He wondered how Gillian hadn't gone insane yet.

When the computer indicated it had found the network and had connected, Cal pulled the computer closer. He drew up a blank internet browser page and typed in 'hearing loss in children'. Pages scrolled in and he started at the top. Within fifteen minutes he was reacquainted with the inner workings of an ear and what different types of loss there were; damage to the cochlea or the nerves that transferred audio to the brain. Then he checked for information on Lewis's specific age group, the tests, what to expect from each one, what each one was checking for. He had done this before, but every time he read over the information, he understood it a little better and sometimes a different website offered something slightly different.

By the time Gillian took Lewis to go change into his pyjamas Cal felt like someone had put a light on in the room. He could see what was going on now. He left the laptop on the coffee table in the living room and went to find his wife in the kitchen. She had Lewis on her hip and was warming up a bottle for him. The first step in weaning him was getting him used to not having a feed from her breasts. Then they'd work him up to having the bottle in bed. And as he got older, there would be no bottle at all. Hopefully around the same time he got a big boy's bed.

"Where's Lewis's baby book?"

"In his room. On the shelf."

Cal turned around again and went to his son's bedroom. The book was on the top shelf right on the end. Cal took it and was flicking through pages even as he walked back to the living room. He read through the notes of Lewis's birth. Gillian's handwriting was neat and cursive, girly even. Compared to Cal's it was beautiful and reading her words took Cal back to that day. She had such a beautiful way with words. The next page over was his account of what had happened. It was the only contribution Gillian had asked him to make towards the book, because she didn't entirely remember everything. And also because Cal's perspective was unique to her. She wanted to hear it. But that wasn't what Cal was looking for. He flipped back a few pages and started at the beginning. He was looking for something specific.

"Are you going to come and say goodnight?" Gillian asked from behind him. Lewis was in his pyjamas and he was holding a bottle in his own mouth, while his mother held him on her hip. He eyed Cal up passively.

"Yeah, luv, I'll be in, in a minute," Cal craned his neck back to see her.

"Ok," she acknowledged and took Lewis out of the room again.

Cal went back to pouring over the book. The next page over held the information he was looking for. For once he was grateful that Gillian could be a little anal with record keeping. Her computer was full of spreadsheets for accounts and employee information and statistics to show how many cases they closed, the hours it took to work on them, the monetary benefits and then some sort of percentage for efficiency. When she had time to keep the spreadsheets going Cal didn't know. She had tried to show him once but that kind of mundane record keeping made him feel sleepy. Today, he was blessing it.

He closed his laptop lid and left the book on top of it and went through to the master bedroom. Bed time was a ritual that had always involved the two of them. In the days when Lewis was breastfeed, Cal had been on hand for burping duties and it hadn't ceased. Well, the burping had, but Cal was still on hand. It was kind of a nice reflective way to wind down as a family. Gillian was curled up on the bed in a familiar position but she had her shirt closed on this occasion and Lewis was on his back gulping down formula in a bottle. Gillian still had him in the crook of her arm, and she still stroked back his blond hair and she still showed the warmth and adoration and pure love for her son. She was murmuring to him and Cal was struck with all the times he had done something similar. Had Lewis heard a word either of them had said? How about the first time he had held him in the hospital and kissed him and told he loved him and always would? Forever and ever.

Cal swallowed the sudden lump in his throat and crossed the room. Gillian gave him a smile as he climbed on to the bed. Lewis looked over at him, pausing briefly in his drinking and giving a little sigh. Cal settled next to his son, reaching out to smooth his hair, feeling how soft it was, marvelling at how blond it was. Then he reached over for Gillian's hand. Cal lay back against his pillow and closed his eyes.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Gillian asked softly.

"Yes."

"What was it?"

"Whetha Lewis got a hearin' test afta he was born."

"And did he?"

"No."

"But he should have?" Gillian guessed from his tone of voice.

"Yes."


	10. Chapter 10

"What's this bloke's name again?"

"_Her_ name," Gillian corrected. "Doctor Rosario."

"Oh right."

Lewis heaved a block across the room. Luckily there were only two other people in the waiting room and neither of them were in the road of the projectile. "Lewis," Gillian admonished. "Don't throw inside." She tried to get him interested in one of the fire engines with a retractable fire hose. She winced as she bent forward to show Lewis how the doors opened and little men could be put inside the cab.

"You all right luv?" Cal asked softly.

Gillian straightened up again. She checked the other occupants. One was a teenager with head phones clamped over his ears and the other was an older man, reading a newspaper, which he held up close to his face as if he couldn't see the small font. Neither of them were paying any attention to them. "My breasts are killing me," she complained in a quick whisper. She adjusted her bra. Now that she had drawn attention to them Cal felt he could safely stare at them for a half minute or so before he got a glare. They were engorged again because Lewis wasn't feeding. When she was desperately uncomfortable she expressed milk, but that was kind of beside the point.

"I can help if you want," Cal offered. "I'm very good with my hands."

Gillian shot him a dismal effort at a disparaging expression. Cal saw the glint in her eye though. "Maybe when we get home," she whispered even softer than before.

Cal gave a grin. His 'good boy' grin. Her sensitive chest was off limits at the moment. It was a shame really because the extra swell through her shirt looked so very inviting. The grin was wiped off his face by the nurse calling for them.

Cal hadn't stared at another woman in a long time. Seven long years of happily being with Gillian to be precise. He'd never felt the need. It wasn't that he hadn't noticed other women, because he did, he was male after all. He'd just never stared. But the doctor sitting in front of him was so classically beautiful. Dark hair, green eyes, smooth flawless skin, a little birth mark along her jaw line and another in the hollow of the opposite cheek. Her lips were full, her eyebrows perfectly manicured, the shape of her eyes almond. He couldn't help himself. He was sure if Gillian hadn't been distracted by a grumpy Lewis in her lap, who kept grabbing her breasts, which made her wince painfully, she would have glared at him. Finally, Cal reached over and took the fussing Lewis from his mother. He tucked the boy under his arm and held him firmly and although Lewis continued to fight him and whine, he was far less restless. And now that he held the toddler Doctor Rosario periodically looked over at Cal and Lewis and Cal was afforded the full warmth of her smile. So he did what he always did. He fell into his neutral mask and observed.

Doctor Rosario went over some of the same information Doctor Adler had. She explained all about the inner workings of an ear, what some of Lewis's problems could be, based on what she'd read in his medical file, and two of the next stage tests she was going to perform.

"When do we do those?" Gillian asked.

"We can do those today."

"Today?" Gillian was surprised.

"The first test screens for otoacoustic emissions. It'll take thirty seconds."

Cal had to remind himself what the hell she was talking about. It was a test for Lewis's cochlea. If he failed it then he would get more specific diagnostic testing and it meant his hearing loss was sensorineural. And that meant, Cal thought back, it meant, he had no idea; too many big words. It meant Lewis had hearing loss, that's what it meant.

Doctor Rosario crossed to the other side of her office where there were children's toys and comfy chairs to wait in and her equipment. The otoacoustic test was incredibly straight forward, even with Lewis screeching and squirming to get the hell out of there. Doctor Rosario produced a lollipop from her coat pocket. "They're sugar free," she explained to Gillian and Cal. "So they don't rot his teeth."

Lewis settled down after that and allowed the doctor to insert a small node into his ear, much like the bud of an earphone. He played with a stacking tower for the thirty second test in which tones were played and the resulting 'echo' recorded. There was no requirement for reaction; perfect for small children. The doctor noted down the results and then tested his other ear. A few seconds afterwards and she was giving them the results. Just like that.

"I'm sorry to say Lewis didn't pass the OAE test."

**PJ**

Cal strode up to the receptionist like a man on a mission from hell. The woman behind the desk looked a little scared as he approached, thunder on his face. "Excuse me?" He asked courteously, his expression and tone dropping into polite. "Is Docta Adla available?"

"He's just come back from his lunch break," the woman behind the desk answered. Then she looked abashed, like she shouldn't have told Cal that at all.

"Thanks lovely," Cal told her. He strode away again, hell bent on his target. Anger swirled beneath his surface and a loud voice in his ear told him to give the doctor what for. A very small voice, that sounded a lot like Gillian, told him to turn around and leave immediately. Too bad Cal liked to listen to the loud voice more than the little one. Especially when Gillian wasn't around. He burst through Doctor Adler's office door.

"Mr Lightman."

"That's Docta Lightman to you, you wanka," Cal cut him off as he slammed the door shut behind him and strode over to the desk where Adler was standing. "Did you perform a hearin' screenin' test on my son afta he was born?"

Doctor Adler didn't even get a chance to utter a lie. Cal saw the big fat 'no' in all the bunching, twitching muscles of his face.

"Were you aware that considerin' his Apgar score was low, due to a loss of oxygen at birth, you were unda obligation as a medical professional to perform a hearin' screenin' test on my son?" Cal growled.

Doctor Adler actually had the good grace to look ashamed.

"I take it then you're also aware that for every month that went by where Lewis couldn't hear properly you set him back two?"

Another yes. Cal felt the urge to put his hands around the man's throat and strangle him. He had never liked the guy. Actually, that wasn't true. He had liked the guy plenty enough when he thought the doctor was working to save his son's life. And then after that, less and less.

"And that a simple hearin' screenin' test while he was an infant would have detected a problem right from the start?"

Yes

"Why?"

"I," Adler started, then looked completely bemused. He didn't know why. He probably couldn't remember what had happened a year and several months ago. Not even Cal remembered exactly what had happened the day Lewis was born. There were so many people and so much fear.

Cal pointed a finger at the doctor pointedly. "You fucked up."

"Well."

"No, mate, you fucked up," Cal repeated and suddenly feeling deflated standing in front of this man blissful in his ignorance, Cal made for the door. He made sure he slammed it on his way out again. As to what he was going to do next? He had no idea. Aside from going back to work when he really wanted to just go home; he had no idea what he wanted to do about Adler. An investigation into his competence would take months. It would be a massive effort, and as Gillian had pointed out before, he was already stretched too thin. And at the end of the day, it wouldn't change anything for Lewis. Maybe some other kids along the way... Maybe Adler would think twice now anyway. Gillian would want him to stay out of it, to just worry about their son. Cal sighed as he slipped behind the driver's wheel. Just worry about his son. He was going to place a call to the appropriate health board though. And then just worry about his son.

**PJ**

"You're not really feelin' this are you?"

"Sure I am."

"No," Cal sat back. "You're not."

Gillian leaned up on her elbows, her chest and cheeks were flushed red and she gave him a look that was a cross between haughty indignance and unperturbed. They hadn't gotten far. Gillian still had her bra on although no underwear. And Cal had boxer-briefs on but nothing else. "I am," she half whined and dug her toe into Cal's thigh.

"You're not. You're bein' all," he waved his hand absently in the air by his head. "In anotha world."

Gillian's breathing started to return to normal. The colour in her cheeks started to fade before the blush crept from her chest. Her blue eyes were dark in the dim light but they shone. Cal just watched her, waiting for an explanation and marvelling at how beautiful she looked. In just about every damn situation.

"Ok fine," she conceded once it was clear Cal was not going to jump back on board unless she spoke. "I'm thinking about other things."

Cal gave a slight nod. "Lewis?"

"Yes."

A lengthy silence.

That's what their trouble was. Silence. It was like they had no idea what to say to each other about it. Cal suspected Gillian was annoyed he had broken her denial about there being a problem and Cal, well he was used to disappointing her in other ways. He didn't know how to deal with this kind of disillusionment. Especially when he wasn't the direct cause of it. Sort of. Not really.

Cal sighed. "Wanna talk about it?"

"No. I just wanted to forget for awhile."

"Can't. Sorry." He lay down next to her, readjusting the sheet over his waist and feeling his world shift. It wasn't just that she seemed distracted in her head. There were other things he was noticing too. She wasn't as turned on by him as she normally was. Her body wasn't reacting to him like it should. Cal had a mental image of hauling another heavy burden into an overloaded wagon. He was probably being dramatic. But right now, that's how he felt.

Gillian shifted into his side and he opened up his arm to put it around her. She rested her head on his shoulder and placed an arm over his abdomen.

Not everything was perfect right now. But lying with her like that felt close to it. Cal closed his eyes and concentrated on _feeling_ her there with him. When he closed his eyes he could feel her presence. He could tell when she was near. As she settled it felt strange. She felt almost cold and then as he relaxed and his breathing slowed and Gillian's body warmth eased across his torso, Cal could feel a heat radiating between them, peace spreading, and he felt better in that moment. In that moment, he could convince himself that everything was all right.


	11. Chapter 11

Cal tried to focus. He really did. But damn it was hard at the moment. All he could think about was his son. Poor Lewis. Lewis who couldn't hear them properly. All those times he had murmured how he loved his son, how he would look after him, how he had the best mother in the world in Gillian. All those times he had sung to him as a little baby while helping him off to sleep. Cal felt like he had been robbed. He felt violated, cheated. All those beautiful moments had meant nothing. All right, maybe not nothing, he was feeling a little sorry for himself after all. It's just... their context was shifted now. Lewis wouldn't have heard anything more than the murmur of his voice, not the words. Not that the words were important. Not that he would have understood the words. But somewhere in the back of his consciousness he would have understood, right?

Right?

Cal gave up on trying to focus. He shut his computer down and wandered his way through the building until he found Ria and told her she was in charge today, he was going home. She had long ago figured out something significant was going on, and she had asked, but Cal didn't have the heart to tell her just yet. He was still processing. So today she just gave a nod, agreed and told him she'd see him tomorrow. Cal walked out to his car and thought that they should really give her and Eli a medal. Gillian would certainly approve of that. Maybe when all the Lewis shit was done and dealt with and they could go back to normal. What was normal anymore? Cal had forgotten.

Gillian's head popped around the bedroom door when Cal came into the house. She looked surprised. "What are you doing home?"

"Can't focus on work."

"Oh," she said and disappeared again.

Cal went to the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee. Habit. He sat in the window, where Gillian loved to sit, and looked out over their yard and the strewn dirt over the grass from Lewis's handiness. Cal sipped his drink. He didn't really want it. He realised the house was quiet. He checked the time. Lewis must be having a nap. Or maybe Gillian had tied a gag in his mouth. Cal dumped his coffee down the sink and went through to the last point of contact, the bedroom. But Gillian wasn't in there. She was in the bathroom changing the towels. "Hey," Cal greeted, leaning on the doorframe.

"Hey," Gillian turned to him, curious. "You ok?"

"Not sure." He could see her suppress a sigh, she wasn't ok either. "Munchkin asleep?"

"Yeah."

Cal nodded. Gillian bent to collect the pile of dirty towels from the bathroom floor. Cal followed her to the laundry. "Rememba how you said we should hire anotha expert?"

"Uh huh," Gillian put the towels in the washing machine and added powder and fabric softener.

"We should really think about pay rises for the staff we have at the moment."

She set the machine to start its cycle and turned to him amazed. "Are you talking about Eli and Ria?"

"Yeah. But the otha's too."

Her amusement turned into a slight smile. "Are you being serious right now?"

"Well, I skive off a lot and you're part time and we're not really at our own place of work much are we?"

"Mitigating circumstances," Gillian supplied.

Cal nodded. "Seem to have a lot of those in the last few years."

Gillian gave a resigned nod.

"Just sayin'."

She nodded a little firmer this time. "We can look into it."

This time Cal nodded. Gillian stepped closer to him. She placed her hands on his arms. "And can I say I'm really proud that you came to me with this?"

"For once," Cal added.

Gillian smiled and Cal echoed it and he immediately felt a weight lift from around his heart. So long as he had Gillian he felt there was nothing he couldn't conquer. A little tacky, definitely cheesy, but all together, so true. He leaned down slightly to kiss her. Her grip tightened on his arms and he knew before she even voiced the words what she was going to say next. He was all ready nodding as she asked, "Want to take this to the bedroom?"

The thought was there but somehow in the migration from the laundry to the bedroom, something changed. They kissed and fondled and did all the usual things but it took so much longer for Gillian to respond to Cal's touch. He was a patient man at the best of times. The very best of times. And he loved to kiss and caress and tease for as long as she could stand it. But it made him worry that she wasn't in to him anymore, that she wasn't as attracted as she used to be. Or maybe it was just that there were other things on her mind. Maybe he had lost his touch. It could happen. He was getting older. His shoulder ached sometimes and his knee and his hair was getting lighter.

Gillian gave a little moan that had Cal quite excited. When he pushed all the shit aside and just focused on what he was doing that was. "Do it Cal," she whispered.

"You want me?" He asked.

"Yes. So bad."

He liked her talking to him just as much as she liked him talking to her. He always did respond to verbal encouragement. He slid into her excruciatingly slowly; because that was the kind of mood they were in. They were making love in the middle of a Thursday afternoon, instead of having a furious shag. Cal saw a furrow of discomfort in the little gap between Gillian's eyebrows. He waited for her breath to ease again, waited for her to adjust, waited for the arch of her shoulders to ease. When she did he moved slowly against her, testing the waters. She definitely winced this time and she mouthed a silent 'ow' before she even knew what she had done and her hands gripped at the bed sheet strewn around her body. Cal was out and just about across the room before she had even opened her eyes again. He stopped at the edge of the mattress, one foot on the floor and stared at her. She stared back. That had never happened before. He had never hurt her.

Gillian looked over at him suddenly vulnerable. "Something's wrong with me."

And she started crying.

**PJ**

"What can I do for you today Doctor?"

Gillian gave a half hearted smile as she sat down. She wasn't in the mood for jokes. She was worried sick. Literally. She felt nauseous. She could link that symptom to pregnancy and it wouldn't take much of a stretch considering her period had been in absentia a few times in the last few months... but still, she knew it wasn't true. She had taken a pregnancy test. And they were fairly accurate. Besides, she'd promised Cal she would leave that alone. There _was_ a reason why she was there. A very specific reason and it had everything to do with her erratic period. And the fact that sex with her husband suddenly hurt. She knew, she knew, but she had to have it confirmed.

Doctor Johansson was an old friend. She had known him a long time. But still. It was hard to explain to him. It was hard to share intimate details of her life with anyone. She told him about the erratic periods, the pregnancy test, the sex. She even told him about how sore her breasts had been since she started weaning Lewis. Another pregnancy symptom. Or maybe not. She had a hard time meeting his eye as she talked but all she saw there was attentiveness. He was listening. He took no notes. When she finished talking he leaned forward in his chair. "I don't think you're pregnant. But we can take a blood test if you would prefer to rule it out."

Gillian shook her head slightly. She had promised Cal.

"How have you been sleeping at night?"

"Fine," Gillian automatically answered. "Well, I've had trouble getting off to sleep but once I'm asleep I'm fine."

"Are you under more stress than normal?"

"Yes," Gillian admitted. "My son is being tested for hearing loss at the moment."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Johansson's tone was full of sympathy. "It would be understandable that it's on your mind." He paused for a moment. "How about hot flashes?" He asked next.

"Hot flashes?" Gillian repeated and knew immediately where his train of thought was going. She felt a sudden cold, hollow, sinking feeling drop into her stomach and for a second the world faded away. Her vision greyed, her hearing cut out. When she checked back in she was aware that Doctor Johansson was explaining, what a hot flash was. Gillian shook her head numbly. She hadn't noticed. But then, it was summer. It was hot anyway.

"It's the best fit for the symptoms you're describing to me," Johansson went on, not sure if he should continue or give her a minute. She was visibly shaken.

"But I'm only in my mid forties." Didn't women who went through menopause start when they were fifty?

"Peri-menopausal effects can start from early forties."

Gillian zoned out again as Doctor Johansson explained the terminology to her, the 'effects' as he called them, what to expect, when they would know for sure what was happening. He offered to test her for other things, pregnancy, cancer... but there was no test for menopause. Nothing reliable. Not for her. Everyone was different, but that was his best first theory. He got up and went to a display of informational booklets. He picked out a few and came to sit next to her, gently pressing them into her hands. Then he gave one of them a squeeze and sat silently for a moment. It was like he had given her a death sentence.

Gillian felt like her heart had stopped beating. Menopause. How had that not occurred to her before? She felt like an old woman all of a sudden. But the worst of it was, not the having to deal with all the hormonal fallout from her ovaries ceasing to work, but the fact that she really wouldn't have any more children. It was over. It was really over. And there wasn't a thing she could do about it. Hope had been shot out of the sky and was falling in a burning wreckage to dust her in ashes. She felt cheated, screwed with, laughed at. Sick. It made her feel sick. She needed air. She needed to get the hell out of there.

"Thank you," she managed to croak out of a constricted throat. She cleared it, straightened her back, held her chin a little higher. If she was not a battler then she was not her father's daughter. Doctor Johansson gave her a polite hug in farewell, offered his services anytime, scheduled her in for a check up in a month's time. Just so they could keep tabs on things together.

Gillian drove home in a daze. It was all she could think about: she wouldn't have any more children. It really was over. It wasn't even her decision to make anymore. It was out of her hands. It was all about her ovaries. They had always had the control. And they had screwed the knife a little more now.

When Gillian got home the house was quiet and empty. Cal was supposed to be waiting at home with Lewis. But there was a note on the fridge that he'd gone for emergency food supplies. They had been a bit neglectful and Lewis was out of bananas. She went to the bedroom and calmly packed a bag.

**PJ**

Cal pulled into the garage to see Gillian's car was back in its usual spot. His stomach flip flopped in anticipation. She was back. She hadn't called him. He had only been gone a minute. So what did that mean? Bad news? Surely that would mean bad news. If it was good news she wouldn't have been able to help it. She would have called him. So it wasn't a baby.

Cal retrieved Lewis out of the back and carried him on his hip and the bag of emergency supplies in his other hand. He let himself in through the internal access to the hallway and noted the house seemed eerie. His sense of foreboding got bigger. Cal put the grocery bag down on the kitchen counter, retrieved a banana out of the bag and started peeling it back. Lewis screeched at him in complaint. He wanted to do it himself. Cal handed the fruit over and turned when he saw a flicker of movement out of the corner of his eye.

Gillian appeared in the doorway. She looked pale, more tired than he'd ever seen her and defeated. And Cal felt immediately alarmed. With Lewis still in his arms he stepped towards her. "What happened?"

She looked away. "I'm leaving." She was backing out of the doorway as Cal approached.

He followed her down the hall. "What do you mean you're leavin'?"

"I just wanted to tell you. In person," she kind of spoke over her shoulder, barely turning her head as she walked.

Cal panicked. "What's goin' on?" He leaned over and put Lewis down in the sanctuary of the living room while watching Gillian's retreating back. There were blocks strewn all over the floor and he had gotten tired of picking them up every day. The living room was Lewis's domain now and there were barriers up over the doorways so he couldn't escape. "Wait Gill," he called, making sure Lewis was on his feet and not on some blocks. He heard her car start. Cal raced into the door, stumbled back and pulled it open. By the time he got down the few short steps to the garage level Gillian was in the street and she pulled away without looking back.

Cal stared after her, not sure what had just happened, but suspecting it was not good. Not good at all.


	12. Chapter 12

"Gillian, it's me. Call me back." Cal hung up the phone, twisted it in his hands while he thought, slouched in his favourite chair. Her phone wasn't off, because it had rung a few times before the voicemail picked it up. She had never not returned a phone call of his. That was kind of nice, when Cal thought about it, that she had always, always called him back. But it raised other questions for him. What was it she saw in him that always made her call back, always have time for him? On occasion, she had dropped everything to rush to his side. It was a level of dedication that scared him sometimes. Especially because, at the time he had asked her to come, they hadn't really known each other that long. He wanted to ask her why, but he was afraid to know the reason.

The phone ringing in his hand suddenly made him jump. "All right?" He greeted.

"What's up Cal?" Gillian's voice was genuine pleasantness.

"Meet me," Cal demanded.

"I'm working."

"Late-a then."

"Tonight?"

"When you finish whateva you're doin'." He felt the need to test her. He was trusting, but only up to a point. Where were the boundaries on her friendship?

"Has something happened? Are you ok?"

"I want to talk to you."

"I can talk to you for a minute now," she invited, sounding very much like the psychologist that she was.

"In person. It's important."

"What's it about?"

"In person," Cal repeated.

There was a moment's silence. "I'm in the middle of something right now so I can't leave," her voice was subdued, as if she was being cautious now because someone might over hear her. "Why don't you come over later? We can have dinner and talk."

"Alec away is he?"

She gave a funny noise in response which meant she had started to answer and changed her mind after the first consonant. "No."

Cal didn't know why he asked that. Just to create trouble probably. Probably because he wanted to know if he was going to get her to himself that evening.

"Bring Zoe and Emily if you want," Gillian added.

How to explain that he and Zoe were in the middle of a massive fight and she had gone to stay with her sister in Virginia for the weekend? And taken their daughter with her. And hadn't given Cal any prior warning. How to tell her his wife would rather run away from him than work through it. How to figure out why Gillian was constantly right and Zoe constantly left.

"This is a 'you and me' convasation."

There was a long silence and Cal guessed Gillian had figured out what he wasn't mentioning on the phone. "Ok," she responded. "We can talk. Just you and me."

"I like the idea of dinna." Because he didn't want to be alone right now.

"Abracadabra? That cute little Moroccan place?"

"Whateva," Cal agreed. He had learnt Gillian had great taste in food, and wine, and people and that he should trust that at least.

"I'll make a reservation."

"All right."

"Cal?"

"Yes?"Are you ok? You sound..." she paused, hesitated, hummed and haahed. "Funny," she settled on. Cal recognised that tone of voice. That was her psychologist tone of voice. That was her mothering voice. That was the voice she used when she was trying to get him to open up to her and he resisted.

"Perfect darlin'," he responded and hung up.

**PJ**

Cal knocked on the door and got down on his knees and waited. Of course, if Alec answered the door this would look very silly, but to be honest, he didn't give a shit. In some ways, he had to convince her husband too. The door opened a minute later and it _was_ Gillian and she gave a flash of a surprise expression before looking a mix between shocked, appalled and amused.

"I'm beggin' you. This is me beggin'. Come and work with me." He paused, pretended to search around for the word. "Please?"

Gillian watched him for a moment. "For God's sake come inside."

Cal got up off his knees, noting his right one popped painfully. He remembered that particular wound. He'd smashed his knee cap during a stupid ride on a motorbike when he was fifteen. And he hadn't told his parents about it. It healed funny. And now on occasion it gave him shit. He followed Gillian inside with a slight limp until the kink worked itself out. By the time they reached the living room he was back to his confident strut.

"Who was that?" Alec asked, facing the TV, as they came into the room.

"Sorry," Cal spoke up. "Me again."

Alec turned to him and Cal read surprise on him too. And then a mix between annoyed, unsure, and anger. He looked up at his wife, looking for reassurance. She gave him a slight smile and a silent signal, "We're just going to talk." Which meant Alec should stay where he was.

'_As if we were goin' to do anythin' else_,' Cal thought, amused, giving Alec his 'happy boy' grin and following Gillian into the kitchen. She made him tea and he sat at the kitchen table and watched her move comfortably around her own home. They were silent while she worked. Cal was never bothered by a silence. It seemed, on this occasion, that neither was Gillian. That was good. If they were going to work together, she needed to be comfortable with the silences. It was also interesting to note that she didn't ask him if he wanted tea, she just went ahead and made it.

"I wish I could lie to you," Gillian said as she sat.

But she could. When she wanted to. Or rather, she was very good at lying by omission. She was very good at keeping things close to her chest. He hadn't known a thing about her fertility problems until he had pried it out of her. After she told him all about it he kind of wished he hadn't asked. That was intensely private and he had no business knowing and he shouldn't have pried.

"But I can't. Or, you won't let me," she looked like she was a little embarrassed to be calling him out on it. And then she changed the subject: "I do want to come and work with you. But there have to be rules."

"What kind of rules?"

"If I come and work with you, I work _with_ you, not for you. We're partners. I won't do it any other way."

"I wouldn't have it any otha way."

She nodded. "Good. Alec and I have some money."

Cal held up his hand in a 'stop' gesture. "I don't want your money."

"Tough shit. If we're partners, then I invest money into the firm."

Cal studied her. He liked the defiant set of her jaw. He liked that she stood up to him. And he, no they, could really do with that money. More importantly, he could do with her mind. At the moment she consulted for him pro bono, which meant, when she had a spare minute, she would help him on cases, giving input, or working on a psyche profile. Not that he really needed the help... it was more that he liked the back up, he liked having her confirm his opinions. He liked knowing he was on the right track. Mostly, he liked her approval. One day, she had seen his finances spread out over the table and scoffed at the mess of it and then put it into some semblance of order! Right there in front of him. And that had flipped him out because Zoe was meant to be helping him with that stuff and he'd been loath to learn that she was terrible with finances. He should have known that right? Being married to her and all. She was too busy for his 'project'. But seeing Gillian work a calculator, figuring out his tax and finding ways to bill clients for hours, and all in the space of one afternoon, when she had told him she could only stop by for ten minutes... he had proverbially fallen in love with her just a little bit then. He wanted her. He needed her. He had started asking her to join him again. He wasn't going to take 'no' as an answer.

"Fine."

"And there has to be some sort of... line," she hesitated even as she said it and Cal was suddenly firing on all cylinders. Mystery to sniff out! This time Gillian held up a hand to stop him. "You can't just, butt in to every little piece of business of mine. There have to be some things that are private."

Cal's eyes drooped into his neutral mask.

"See," Gillian pointed at him. "You can hide from me but I can't hide from you."

Cal gave a slight smirk.

"So there has to be a line. And you have to promise me you won't cross it. No matter how interesting you find it. Whatever you see, you have to let it go. You can't call me on every little twitch."

Cal studied her face again. She seemed very sincere. In fact, she almost seemed worried. Cal realised this was the deal breaker for her. If he told her he couldn't do it, she would back out. If he told her he would, and then didn't, she would be gone. This was one vow, if he gave it, that he would have to honour over everything else. All of a sudden it felt like he was signing his soul away to the devil. Except, Gillian was more like an angel, rather than evil. Surely he could swallow his pride over this one? Better answer her. She was starting to look unsure.

He gave a quick nod. "I can do that."

Gillian sat back looking relieved.

"Does that mean you'll come and work with me?"

"Yes," Gillian nodded.

Cal broke into a grin and a second later Gillian was also smiling broadly.

**PJ**

Cal, at times, went AWOL. Absent without letting her know where the hell he was. Gillian wondered if he really needed to run any days off by her. It wasn't like he needed her permission as such, but maybe the heads up that he wasn't going to come into work for a few days would have been nice. Just a quick phone call. That would be fine. Unless he was dying, then maybe his wife could have called her to let her know her business partner wasn't coming in to work today. Or yesterday. Or the day before that. Gillian sighed as she knocked on his door. His cell phone was off and he wasn't answering the home phone. He better be dying in there.

Funnily enough, the Lightman Group wasn't really the Lightman Group without the actual Lightman.

When there was no answer Gillian knocked again and three minutes after that when there was still no response she tried the door. That's what Cal would have done. He wouldn't have rested until he got his answer, he probably would have broken a window to get in, so Gillian thought she'd try it out. The door was unlocked and so she let herself in. She called out; meekly, because she kind of was breaking and entering his home without being invited in. She moved through the house cautiously, noting how quiet it was. Of course it would be, it was the middle of the day. Zoe would be at work. Emily would be at school. And Cal? Where was Cal? His keys were on the table.

After lapping the house and checking the yard Gillian resigned herself to checking the master bedroom. Not that she really wanted to walk in on Cal in the bedroom. Under any circumstances, not just the sexual ones. She tapped on the door lightly. The pressure of her hand cracked the door open a little further. She felt guilty, like she was prying into a private world as she peered into his room. She could see him lying in bed, on his side, his back to the door, his head buried in a pillow, the covers wrapped around his front, meaning his bare back was exposed... and his butt. Clad in briefs but still, it was certainly exposed. Gillian hesitated. Had he heard her calling out? Was he asleep? Or was he really dead?

"Cal?" Gillian called from the doorway, pushing back the barrier to see him fully. Yeah, this definitely felt like an invasion of his space. His space and Zoe's space. She heard an 'mm?' from the bed and took that as a good sign. At least he was breathing. She ventured in a little and then hesitated. If she got busted by Zoe right now she was pretty sure the woman would go her. Zoe looked like she could throw a punch.

Gillian got a little closer. "Cal?" She said more firmly. Was he sick? Drunk? What? Feeling suddenly bold she crossed the room and leaned over him. He had his eyes closed and they were still, which meant he wasn't dreaming and he wasn't awake. "Cal?" She said loudly.

"Mm?"

"Wake up."

"Why?" He muttered around the pillow.

It was a good point.

"It's not right to be asleep in the middle of the day."

"Feels right to me," he mumbled.

Gillian started to get a sense that something was wrong. The bedroom was a mess, clothes and bed covers strewn around. The room had a musty slept in smell to it and under that was the smell of Cal. His aftershave or maybe it was just him. Half the curtains were drawn and Gillian kept looking at his bare back and underwear clad backside. "Get up now," she demanded.

"No."

"I want to talk to you."

"Talk."

"I won't talk to you like this."

"Leave."

"If you don't get up, I'll hurt you."

"Do your worst."

Gillian heard something she didn't like in his voice. Defeat. This was not like Cal Lightman. It was strange really, not just talking to the back of his head, because she had done that often enough while he walked away from her. It was strange because he seemed so... she sighed, defeated. Or maybe he was really tired. Or maybe he was moping around feeling sorry for himself. He didn't seem sick. And if he was sulking like a little boy... well that really annoyed her. She smacked him on the ass. Hard. So hard it left her hand stinging. So hard Cal jumped and grabbed his flesh as he turned over surprised and hurt and complaining, "Oi bloody hell Fosta!"

"I did warn you," Gillian told him as she shoved his legs aside and sat on the edge of the mattress. She was grateful that as he turned over the blankets shifted to cover him up and she didn't have to worry about staring at his bare skin anymore. Never mind the fact that she was in his bedroom and she was married and he was married, to other people.

"Ow geeze," Cal continued to writhe. "Is that how you discipline Alec?"

"Stop it," Gillian immediately answered, refusing to be amused. "What is going on with you?" His hair was unkempt and he hadn't shaved in a really long time, more than his usual scruff and his skin had a pallidness to it. "Are you sick?"

"No I'm not sick."

"Hung over?"

He gave her a slight glare as he tucked an arm behind his head. "No, not hung over."

"So then why are you bed in the middle of the day?"

"Maybe, I'm just really, really tired."

"Ok, then why are you tired?"

"Really, really tired."

"Really, really tired," Gillian repeated.

Cal gave her an arrogant neutral expression, the 'I know something you don't know and I'm not going to tell you' expression. He gave a slight shrug of indifference.

"Are you coming to work today?" Gillian tried a different tact.

"Bit tired."

"Right," she was starting to get annoyed again.

Cal sighed, winced as if he were in pain. "Zoe left me." He paused and looked away, talking to the wall opposite the bed. "For good this time."

"Oh Cal," she breathed, a hand reaching out for his arm. "I'm sorry."

Cal didn't respond. Her hand felt really, strangely heavy. He knew that was significant, but he couldn't make the connection right now.

"Where did she go?"

"To her mutha's."

"She took Emily?"

Cal nodded. He looked vulnerable for a second and then it passed and he seemed to straighten his shoulders a little. "What did you want anyway?"

"To have coffee."

Cal watched her impassively for a moment, wondering why it was that Foster was here being his friend, and his wife wasn't. That said a lot. About both women.

"Come and have coffee with me," Gillian held out her hand and Cal reached for it without really thinking.

He allowed her to pull him into a sitting position and then as she got to her feet he hesitated. He looked up at her. "See, the thing is, I'm not wearin' any trousers."

Gillian gave a wry smile and let his hand go. "I'll go make coffee, you get dressed. But I swear to god, if you're not out there in five minutes," she threatened as she pointed to the door. "I'm coming back in to kick your ass."

Cal smirked. "I might like that."


	13. Chapter 13

Cal stooped to retrieve his phone. He had to check it was still on and appeared to be working fine. So if his Casey theory was sound, then he'd better verify right? He was a scientist after all. Gillian might have just gone out for the afternoon. He might have misread the situation all together. He went to their bedroom, his heart pounding uncomfortably, begging to be wrong. He found her travel case missing and a large section of clothes and her underwear drawer had been plundered. She had packed a bag. She had taken her toothbrush. It must have already been in the car. He was stunned. He was just so damn stunned that he had been sitting for at least five minutes staring numbly at the bathroom floor. It meant that she had planned this. Today? Yesterday? How long had this been coming? And why hadn't he seen it. Why hadn't she talked to him about it? Whatever it was. Surely they could work on it. He tried her number again; it went straight to voicemail.

"Gillian call me," he ground out through his teeth. Her toothbrush was gone and it was that sight that had Cal slumped down on the bathroom floor feeling like he might still throw up. He could hear Lewis calling out for his mother from the living room. He just repeated the same word over and over, "Mama! Mama!" It was doing Cal's head in.

It smacked of Zoe. Not Zoe personally, but of when Zoe had left. She had packed her things and she had taken his daughter and she had gone, firstly to her mother's and then later, to an apartment. She had left Cal the house. That was all he got. This time, Gillian had left everything behind, but that didn't soften the blow, when the thing he wanted the most was her. Screw the house. She could have it if she wanted it. And Lewis... no, Cal stopped himself. He wasn't going to drag Lewis into this. He wasn't going to fight over Lewis. But she wasn't taking him. Not like Zoe took Emily from him. He wasn't going to let that happen again.

'_Yeah right_,' he told himself. Gillian loved Lewis probably more than she loved him. There was no way he could do that to her, even if he was so angry at her he could spit. He knew what being a mother meant to her. He wouldn't stoop that low. Would he?

When it sounded as though Lewis was getting agitated Cal got up. First and foremost, he still had his son to look after. He shook off his feeling of dread for a moment. Lewis had his hands gripping the bars of the barrier in the hallway and he was screaming at the top of his lungs. His face was bright red and there were tears streaming down his face. Cal had read the situation wrong. Lewis wasn't just agitated, he was beyond it. He was hysterical. Cal leaned down and picked him up but Lewis fended him off with a hand to the face. Cal tightened his grip and stepped over the barrier into the living room proper. Lewis wriggled and screamed and shoved at Cal. Even as he sat down in his favourite chair and tried to tuck Lewis under his arm, like he used to do when the little guy was teething, Lewis turned and squirmed and fought to be released. Cal caved and let him go. Lewis slid down his legs, looking up at his father, glaring at him with anger. He staggered his way back over to the barrier and started calling out again, "Mama! Mama!"

"I want her too," Cal muttered. He jumped up and went to retrieve the home phone from the kitchen bench. He checked it for messages. Then he got his cell phone out of his pocket. The first thing he did was check for messages, of any kind, text, voice, email, in case he hadn't heard it. Nothing. He dialled Gillian's number. It went straight to voicemail again. "Call me please," Cal left another message. And then what? What did he do? He couldn't contact his wife because her damn phone was off. He couldn't contact Casey even though he was sure that is where she would have gone because he didn't have her number or address, in fact, he wasn't even really sure of her last name. Cal dialled Gillian's number again. Straight to voicemail.

"_This is Gillian, leave me a message, I'll get back to you."_

"Gill, please call me. Whateva it is, we can talk about it. But please call me. I just want to know that you're all right."

Cal felt better about leaving that message. The first few were a bit clipped; he was having a hard time keeping the lid on his anger. He didn't want her to feel like she couldn't call him. Ever.

Cal realised the house was suddenly quiet. With Lewis, that meant he was up to no good. Cal quickly went back to the living room, hoping he hadn't left anything in Lewis's wake. Instead, he found the little guy asleep on the floor, one hand still gripping the barrier bar. Cal felt worse. So much for looking after his son. He forgot to put him down for a nap and now he had cried himself into exhaustion. Cal stooped and gathered Lewis in his arms. The boy held on to the barrier, even in his sleep, and stirred a little. Cal hesitated, half lifting Lewis off the floor while realising he should have disengaged his little fingers first. But as he went to lower the toddler to the floor again the boy let go and Cal was able to straighten up. Lewis was hot as Cal put him down so he left the blankets off. He probably should have taken off his shorts too, to allow more skin to air contact. But he didn't want to run the risk of waking him up.

Cal went back to the living room and picked up the banana peel Lewis had discarded and a few pieces of the fruit Lewis had mushed into the carpet. But once Cal had done that he didn't know what else to do. It wasn't like his entire life had revolved around Gillian and now she was gone his life had stopped. It was the not knowing where she was or if she was ok that was making him restless.

**PJ**

So she didn't keep phone records on her work computer hard drive. He had managed to hack into the hard drive from his laptop and check. But what about her laptop? Cal went on the hunt for it. More often than not she carried it around with her but did little work on it at home. Except when she was home all day with Lewis. Then sometimes she would work in the office he hated being in so much. He started there. The laptop was in its bag and that was on the floor, resting against the desk. He pulled it out, plugged it in and powered it up. There was a password on it. He typed in Lewis's name. It was denied. He tried Lewis's full name. Then his name. Then Lewis's birthday. Then Gillian's birthday. Then his own birthday. Then their wedding anniversary. He leaned back in his chair, studied the desk for a prompt. Something that would trigger her memory. The desk was bare aside from a plastic square holding pens. There was a watercolour print on the wall of a lake. Cal got up and studied it for a name; the lake or the artist's. Nothing.

Cal sat again. Shifted his shoulders to ease a bit of the tension. Think again. He tried the last digits of her credit card. Then the last digits of her bank account. Then the license plate of her car. Then his car. He tried Emily's birthday. Then her parents. Her brother. Nieces' and nephew's birthdays. He tried their street address. The Lightman Group. The Lightman Group address, bank account number, anniversary. Nothing. He went over some of his old guesses with new combinations, leaving out spaces, reversing them. Nothing. He tried pet names; Jane and a cat she'd had growing up, Fox.

What else was significant to her?

Cal, tense and frustrated with being beaten by a damned machine, skipped to the password prompt. The screen came up with a verification phrase: CAL LIGHTMAN.

Cal stared at the screen. What. The. _Fuck._ Did that mean? He had all ready tried everything he could think of in relation to himself. What had he missed? An anniversary of some sort? Was it the date they had met, because he didn't remember that. He tried his age. Fail. He tried his country of origin. Denied. He tried his former employment, where he had been working when they first met. Unsuccessful. He tried the years they had known each other; in word and number form. Ineffective. He tried the years they had worked together; in word and number form. Useless. He tried the years they had been together. Futile. He tried the years they had been married. Fuck off.

"Argh!" Cal growled feeling a painful burn in the back of his throat. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled her number. "Gillian! Call me!"

He started typing random words. Deception expert. Asshole. Bastard. Arrogant. Conceited. Reckless. English. British. Suicide. Rough. Scruffy. Pillock. Wanker. Plonker.

Father. Husband. Lover.

Cal was amazed the computer hadn't locked him out yet.

Angry. Happy. Short. Grey. Impatient.

And then a thought occurred to him. He hadn't been some of those things for years.

Happy. Hope. Optimistic. Thoughtful.

What else could he say? What did she tell him when it was dark and they were together?

She was grateful for him.

I love you.

The computer screen changed.

Wholly shit, that was her password? She thought about him every time she unlocked her lap top? I love you.

'_I love you_,' Cal thought as the desktop background faded in to a picture of himself holding Lewis. They were both grinning; Lewis was mid laugh, his blue eyes squinting with genuine happiness. Cal's heart squeezed painfully. '_Why are you doing this to me_?'

What had he done? Had he done something? He hadn't done anything. He was pretty sure. Had he? Maybe that was the point. He pulled his phone out of his pocket again. It went straight to voicemail. "Did I do somethin'? Or was it somethin' I should have done? You can tell me. I wanna know. I wanna..." Fix it. Make it better. Make this go away. Hold you. Cal hung up. The nausea was back and it made his voice sound funny.

He refocused. What was he doing with her computer? Oh yeah. Finding a phone number. He went to the bottom left of the screen, clicked on the icon and selected the search software. He typed in Casey's name and let it run. The computer thought about it for a second and Cal was thinking that it was slow, that Gillian should really update her storage, defrag the hard drive and then a thousand hits scrolled in. '_Oh_,' Cal thought corrected. The computer wasn't slow; she just had _a lot_ of files with the name 'Casey' in them. It would take forever to go through them all. Cal sighed, sat back in his chair. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, brought up her number in his speed dial and then put it down on the desk next to where he was working.


	14. Chapter 14

"Gillian not with you today?" Doctor Rosario asked, a slight surprise expression on her face as Cal shook his head no.

"She had to attend to some sort of family emergency," he lied. "Her mutha was rushed into emergency care," he continued, because it would have to be a matter of life and death for her not to be there today right? That would be the only plausible explanation. So why wasn't she there?

"I'm sorry to hear that," the doctor closed the door behind him and ushered him into a seat. "I hope she's ok."

"Me too," Cal agreed and then wondered if they were talking about Gillian or her mother; he knew who he was talking about. He set Lewis down on the floor and the toddler made a bee line for the blocks on the other side of the room. Cal turned his chair so he could keep an eye on him.

"So let's talk about what's going to happen today," Doctor Rosario took charge of the appointment. Cal turned his attention towards her. Suddenly, today, she wasn't so beautiful to him. She went over the procedure again and asked if Cal had questions. Cal wondered if he was meant to have questions but it all seemed straightforward, and he couldn't help but think about Gillian. She should have been there.

After that Cal disengaged Lewis from his blocks and took him through to another room, a lab, with a table and equipment and a sterile feel to it. Doctor Rosario assured Cal and Lewis that it wasn't a big deal but Lewis must have sense Cal's apprehension because he started to fidget and whine. When they tried to coax him to drink something to make him go so sleep he knocked the cup into Cal's chest and screamed, his face instantly turning red.

"I'm sorry," Cal wrapped his arm around Lewis to stop him from lashing out at the doctor.

"That's ok," she gave him a towel to wipe his shirt. She poured some more of the liquid, getting a new measure and taking very careful note of how much she doled out.

Cal held Lewis in a bear hug, his head over his shoulder, his arms pinned down by his sides. Lewis squirmed and fought but was no match for Cal's strength. Even a well timed foot to the groin didn't loosen Cal's hold. The sudden sobs, "Mum, mum, mum," just about killed him though.

"Let's try again," Doctor Rosario approached. "Here Lewis," she coaxed. "Drink this. It's yummy."

It was meant to be banana flavoured. Lewis's favourite.

"Banana," Cal told him.

Lewis screeched in his ear and threw his head back to get away from the doctor. A crack about him making his father deaf passed through Cal's mind. This would have been so much easier with Gillian there. Cal would have held him and Gillian would have forced the liquid down their son's throat. But Doctor Rosario was afraid of hurting the toddler. Especially because that toddler wasn't hers.

Cal reached the point where he wanted to throw Lewis on the floor and walk away. So he took a deep breath and let his son go. He put him down on the ground. Lewis walked around in a circle, sucking on his fingers, while snot and tears ran down his cheeks. The thing was, the only person of comfort in the room was Cal and he was also the bad guy right now. Lewis hesitated. He was lost, confused, hurting. Cal crouched down in front of him. He opened his arms out wide. "Come here," he coaxed. Lewis wandered towards him and Cal scooped him up gently in his arms and hugged him. He kissed the side of Lewis's blonde curls and soothed him. "It's all right mate." He kissed him again, rocked back and forth from foot to foot while Lewis calmed down. When he was quiet again Cal turned to Rosario, who had retreated to a bench and waited. He indicated he wanted the anaesthetic back. She approached and handed it over. Cal shifted Lewis to his hip. "Look," he offered it to Lewis again. Lewis shook his head and grizzled. He raised a hand as if to bat it away so Cal swung it out of his reach. "Yummy," he told Lewis. He turned to the doctor. "This isn't gonna hurt me if I drink it right?"

"No," she shook her head slightly. "The dose is enough for a small body. It might make you a little sleepy if anything."

"Look Lewis," Cal got his son's attention again. Cal put the cup to his lips. He hoped that would be enough to convince Lewis he was going to try something that was his. But Lewis just watched him impassively. Cal tipped the cup up. Lewis still didn't react. Cal felt the liquid against his lips. He let a little into his mouth and swallowed it. "Yum," he told Lewis. It reminded him of taking antibiotics as a child.

Lewis reached out a hand to grab the cup. "Nope," Cal told him. "This is mine." Rosario had cottoned on and poured another measure. "Here's yours," he indicated the doctor and Rosario handed Lewis the cup. Cal raised his again. "Mmm," he sipped some more. Better not drink all of it. He might be curled up on the bed next to Lewis in a minute.

Lewis tentatively lifted his cup to his mouth with both hands. His blue eyes took on a comically curious light as he tested the flavour of the liquid. "Mmm," he mimicked. And then he realised he did like it and noisily finished the last mouthful. Cal felt relieved. His hand twitched towards his phone in his pocket. He wanted to ring Gillian again, tell her he had done good. He had been leaving messages for twelve hours now. Her phone was on, because it rang several times before she was obviously sending it to voicemail.

Rosario took Lewis's empty cup and Cal's half full one. Cal held on to Lewis and continued to rock or pace around the room. He felt Lewis get heavier, his head slump against his neck and still he held on to him. Lewis was comforting him now. '_I wish your mutha was here_,' he told him silently.

"Shall we start the test?" Rosario asked.

"Yeah," Cal agreed and lay his son down carefully on the bed. He shifted Lewis onto his back and noted the peaceful features of his face. Gillian's nose. He brushed back the blonde curls from his eyes and thought they should really give him that haircut. In the meantime, Rosario attached small electrodes behind Lewis's ears and on certain points of his head. The electrodes would send various pitches to the nerves in the ears and different volumes so they could tell exactly what Lewis could hear and what he couldn't. Roasrio hooked the sensors up to a machine and told Cal the test was beginning.

"Thanks Doc," Cal murmured, feeling a little bit dozy.

"Call me Lisa," she responded with a warm smile.

And Cal realised, that even though she was great with Lewis, he didn't really like her. And that was probably because she wasn't Gillian.

**PJ**

Cal woke an hour later. He felt guilty about dozing off. But he hadn't slept last night and the liquid anaesthetic was a nice excuse to explain why he had napped. Whether the anaesthetic had worked or not, he wasn't sure. The lab was quiet. Rosario was not in the room. The test was running on its own. Cal reached for his cell phone. No messages. No missed calls. No Gillian. He got up and crossed to where his son was still laid out on the bed. He hadn't moved. His eyelids weren't moving. Cal caressed his forehead. Poor little guy. He had been through so much. His parents had been through so much. Why the hell had Gillian bailed on him? On them?

Cal checked his watch. The test had fifteen minutes left to run. He pulled a chair closer to Lewis and stroked his forehead and then tucked a few fingers into the loose grasp of his son's hand. Gillian should be there. What the hell was she thinking? And why wasn't she returning his calls? He had stopped being angry. He wasn't leaving those demanding furious messages. He just wanted for her to talk to him. A simple request. Whatever it was that had her running, they could work through it. If he had done something, he could try to undo it. What happened to proving he was right for her? To fighting for her? Every day if he had to. He was willing to fight. He had meant all that when he said it. Didn't she believe him?

Cal caved. He pulled his phone from his pocket. Rosario, no Lisa, hadn't said anything about him not being able to use his cell phone around the equipment. He speed dialled his wife's number. It rang a few times and then the voicemail picked it up.

"_This is Gillian, leave me a message, I'll get back to you."_

"Gill, when I proposed to you, I told you I would prove to you that I'm the right kind of guy for you. I said I'd fight every day to be the kind of guy you deserve. I meant that. I just wanted you to know, that I still mean that. I'm here when you want to talk. I'm waitin'... if..." he hesitated, wanted to add something more, then hung up the phone feeling foolish. He should have told her he loved her. He shouldn't have left that message. He didn't want to guilt her in to coming home. She should want to do that of her own accord. Which was the same reason why he hadn't got Lewis to leave a message on her phone. He wasn't going to play games, he wasn't going to stoop to that level. Just like he wasn't going to jump a plane to New York to see if she really was at Casey's. He had put a big dent in the files on her computer, searching through the obvious case files to cross them off the list until he had reached the files that displayed no key words. Those ones he had to open and check them individually. And that had taken most of the night. But he was getting there and he felt confident, but mostly, it was something to occupy himself with in the face of an unknown period of limbo.

**PJ**

'_I can't take the silence. If you would just call me back. Tell me one way or the otha. Are you comin' back? I'm beginnin' to wonda if you're comin' back.'_

Cal doubled clicked to open the next document. He scanned the page, searching for numbers and closed the file when he didn't find anything that resembled a phone list. He double clicked the next file.

'_Lewis cries for you. He's bloody lost without you here. How do I explain to him? Do I tell him you're gone for good? Or just the weekend?'_

Click, click.

'_If he could ask me he would. You should have been here for the test and the results. Should I ring you to tell you? Or hold it ova your head? I have information about our son that you don't.'_

Scan. Delete. Click, click.

'_I've had three hours sleep since you left. It's been twenty-four hours now.'_

Scan. Delete. Not what he wanted.

'_I'm bein' patient. I am. I'm tryin' to be undastandin'. Give you some space. Somethin' has clearly happened. There must have been a straw that broke your back.' _

Click, click.

Scan. Delete.

'_You wouldn't do this othawise. I know you.'_

Click, click.

Scan. Delete.

'_I'm not angry.'_

Click, click.

'_Yes I am.'_

Scan. Delete.

'_I just want to talk. You know I hate not knowin'.'_

Click, click.

Scan. Delete.

Click, click.

Scan. Delete.

Click, click.

Scan. Delete.

'_Why won't you answa your fuckin' phone?!'_

**PJ**

The feel of hands on her body. They made Gillian stir out of her deep sleep and turn towards them, finding comfort in their touch. A comfort she desperately needed right now. Then the rough press of a mouth against hers, the sweet taste of someone else's lips, their tongue. It took her a long time to identify who this was. Probably because she was half asleep and he was unfamiliar. She could tell it was a man, even with her eyes closed, because there was a masculinity about him. The way he kissed, the roughness of his skin. The way his hands moved over her body. Possessive. Strong. Exciting.

And the way he felt under her hands as well. His shoulders, his chest, the curve of his neck and waist. Strong. The muscles firm. Exciting.

It had been a long time since she'd been woken up in the dead of the night for sex. She barely had the conscious thought to comprehend where she was. Not at home, that's for sure. This wasn't her bed. She barely had the conscious thought to comprehend who she was even with. It was not her husband, that was for sure. She didn't even have her eyes open, she was just feeling her way through the kisses, through the tug of clothing, through the caressing of bodies.

What she felt was an absence of warmth. Sure, her blood was pounding and her groin was begging for relief and it made her squirmy. But she didn't feel warm. There was no warmth coming from his body. He didn't make her cheeks heat up. He didn't set her on fire. Not like Cal did.

'_Fight for you. Be the right kind of guy for you.'_

She could hear the desperation in his voice. Through the phone; now, through the darkness.

She tried to open her eyes. To see who this man was, in her bed, with his tongue in her mouth. She needed to remember. She needed to make the connection. Either convince herself or help her forget. She suddenly felt desperate but even when her eyes were open all she could see were greys and shadows. It was like looking through fogged glass.

'_Fight for you. Prove to you.'_

It wasn't him that needed to prove anything. He had proved everything to her. Everything.

'_Please call me back.'_

It was her. There was something wrong with her.


	15. Chapter 15

'_I've seen more of you in the last two days than I have my own wife.'_

Cal sat; Lewis squirmed out of his grasp to play with the blocks.

'_Don't say that aloud.'_

"Ok, everything with the test went really well," Doctor Rosario began. She opened a folder on the desk in front of her. Her dark hair was swept up off her face and a few strands fell around her neck. She had another birth mark there below the hairline. It reminded Cal of Gillian. The hair around her neck that was, not the birth mark. Gillian had freckles, not moles. Sometimes she would put her hair up in little ponytails or clip it back and a few strands would always fall away. Cal always wanted to kiss her neck when she did that. They were like a giant neon sign and Cal, like a moth, excited by the pull of what he saw.

"You can see here," Rosario brought his attention back in to focus on her. She was showing Cal a chart, marked out in lines and colours. He took a quick scan of it, read the information, frequencies measured in hertz and ranges. But it didn't make much sense to him.

Rosario was explaining the range in which Lewis heard, but Cal wasn't really hearing much of what she said. He had slept little the night before as well. He'd halved the files to check on Gillian's computer and it had become much less about finding a phone number as simply being something for him to do, while he worried and fretted. He had gone from angry and hurt, to disappointed, confused, to hurt, to angry, back to confused, then worried. What if something had happened to her? Brandon bloody Mitchell flashed through his mind. But then this was a different circumstance wasn't it? Cal had been taken. Gillian left willingly. With the thought that she might have crashed her car somewhere or she really _was_ sick (she had just been to the doctor's after all), Cal was renewed in his efforts to find that damn phone number. Or in the very least, a god damn surname so he could start making phone calls.

He could have called Kate and asked her. He knew the three of them spent time together. But that didn't guarantee Kate knowing Casey's last name. Cal didn't know it. And how long had he been with Gillian? How long had he even known her in the first place? He had worked it out once. Fifteen years? That was terrible on his part, not finding out. This was what happened when he trusted people. He didn't ring Kate. He'd have to explain why he needed the name/number. And he didn't want anyone to know Gillian had left him. This one hurt far more than his first wife leaving had. At least then it was not really a surprise. They had been fighting for years. He had driven her away. Everyone knew that. It was embarrassing. But nothing like the shame he was feeling right now. He and Gillian were supposed to be infallible.

Cal was given a brochure about hearing aids. Rosario was still going then. He must have been nodding along, showing interest. Every so often he would catch snippets about frequencies, how hearing aids worked, coming in for fittings. He asked about cochlear implants, wasn't that the latest breakthrough in restoring hearing? Lewis wasn't a candidate, was the short answer. The long answer was that his hearing loss wasn't significant enough to be a candidate for the surgery, nor was his type of hearing loss going to benefit from an implant. Hearing aids were the best option. He could come in on Monday to start the process of getting fitted. Cal nodded numbly. There was just way too much going on at the moment for him to be able to process it all.

"It's a lot to take in huh?" Doctor Rosario spoke gently.

"Yeah," Cal agreed with a sigh.

"You know, if you have any questions or concerns you can call me at any time," Rosario reached for her card and jotted a number on the back. "It's hard to deal with when children are this young. And it's harder to do it on your own."

Cal studied her face. He saw nothing but genuine concern. He wondered what she saw when she looked at him. Did she know his story about Gillian's mother was a crock of shit? Was she implying Cal was suddenly a single father or something along those lines?

"Does Gillian's mother live out of state?"

"Yes," at least Cal didn't have to lie about that one. Was it obvious that he was alone? He wondered if he was wearing the same shirt for days on end again. Pretty sure he had showered and changed since she had left though.

Rosario gave him a sympathetic nod. Cal got to his feet, sensing the end of their conversation. He turned to Lewis and almost called out to him from across the room. Then he stopped himself, realised Lewis wouldn't hear him and then felt badly. He had been talking to Lewis a lot less since the whole hearing loss thing had come to light. Cal tucked the information packs the doctor had given him into his jacket pocket and went to get Lewis. He held out his hand and Lewis looked up at him with blue eyes that were similar to his own. At least he didn't have to stare into Gillian's eyes everyday she was gone. Lewis sized him up for a moment, as if deciding whether his father or the blocks were more interesting.

"Come on," Cal coaxed gently. "Time to go home."

Lewis stood and tossed the block to his feet. It bounced off another and shot a few feet away. He watched it, fascinated and then reached out for his father's hand, while pointing behind him. "Ah, ah!"

"Yeah I saw it," Cal told him, grasping the small fingers tightly. Rosario was waiting for them at the door and she walked them out to the foyer with a kindly smile. She offered Lewis one of her sugar free lollipops and he snatched it out of her hand eagerly. "Say thank you," Cal prompted.

Lewis stared at him.

"Thank you," Cal offered the doctor.

She smiled and placed her hand on his arm. "That's quite all right. I'll see you next week."

Cal almost, almost, shrugged her hand off immediately. But that would have been rude. It was so weird being touched by someone else. He was sure if Gillian were with him, Rosario wouldn't have done that.

**PJ**

"Home again," Cal announced as he cut the engine in the car. He turned in his seat to check on the very quiet Lewis behind the passenger's seat. Lewis was asleep, head slumped to one side, the remnants of the lollipop smeared on his cheeks, the stick stuck to the front of his t-shirt. Cal watched him for a moment, struck with how much he looked like Gillian and all the heart ache they had gone through to get him and how could she just walk away from all of that? What had been going through her head? Why such a deafening silence now? Cal winced at himself. Bad choice of words.

He went inside, leaving the doors open so he could hear Lewis if he suddenly woke. If Lewis were a little more trustworthy, he would have unclipped his restraints and let him make his own way inside. But the garage held far too many interesting things for little fingers to get into. He took off his jacket and hung it on the back of a chair in the dining room. Then he went to prepare Lewis's bed for when he carried him through.

Lewis was warm as Cal slid his hands underneath him and lifted. He stirred a little, blinked confused blue eyes as he looked around. Cal shushed him gently, told him to go back to sleep and hurried him inside. If he could get him lying down quickly Lewis would just carry on as if nothing had happened. Cal put his son down gently in his bed and left the covers off because even though it was technically Autumn, it was still quite warm. Especially during the day.

Cal went back to his car, removed the remnants of the lollipop, and crackers he had given Lewis earlier. He picked up a few of Lewis's toys, then closed the car up. Gillian always parked closest to the door. Cal didn't know why, it had always just been that way. Maybe he had tried to be gentlemanly. The garage seemed extra echoy without her car there. It made Cal feel pacey. He wandered the house restlessly. He had been obsessive about keeping up with the washing and dishes and tidying. Almost as if, subconsciously, he wanted the house to be nice when Gillian got home, which meant he had nothing to do now. His hand twitched to the phone in his pocket. He pulled it. There were no messages, no missed calls. He thought about ringing her again. But at what point was he harassing her? If he stopped, would she think he all of a sudden had given up? That he didn't want her back?

Cal went to the office. He nudged the mouse on Gillian's laptop and the screen dissolved to the image of him and Lewis on the background. Cal brought up his list and started working his way through it again. He wished there was a faster way to get through all those files. But he was so tired he just couldn't see it. Old fashioned slogging seemed to be the only way. Or at least, the only obvious way. He wasn't even reading what was in the files. Under different circumstances he would have.

So many different circumstances.

Cal hit on a pocket of emails Gillian had clearly saved for some reason. He didn't recognise email addresses. Well, one from their accountant. He didn't even read it. He didn't care what the accountant had to say. Anything that was discussed he figured Gillian would have told him about. And he trusted her to make the decisions about their finances; she was better at it than he was. So he closed it and kept moving. He didn't have time to pry into everything. This wasn't about finding answers as to _why_ she left, just trying to find out where she went. He would go back to worrying about why later on.

He had a flickering thought about problem number three. He had worked on one and two, but he hadn't deal with number three. Maybe because he was still trying to deal with one, definitely two. Maybe if he had worked on three things would be different right now. He wouldn't be prying through his wife's personal computer.

An email caught Cal's eye. More specifically a name. Obviously he was looking at the same damn name over and over, but this was different. This was a personal email sent from a professional address. They called her Gill, not Ms or Doctor Foster. He scrolled through the message, feeling very wary while reading Gillian's personal mail, the images of him getting a swift kick to the groin almost making him flinch. It was definitely a personal message. From the date, Cal could place it somewhere around the time Gillian was thinking about leaving Alec, or when she already had. Highly interesting subject matter. Very hard to skim over. His balls resisted the urge to protect themselves. He got to the bottom and attached was a tag common with work emails. When he sent messages from his work address he had a stamp too. It had his name, his qualifications, his business address, phone number, email, and his cell phone number. This one had a cell phone number and a full name and just about frigging GPS co-ordinates.

Cal's mouth went dry and his fingers were suddenly disorganised as he dug his phone out of his pocket. He had to dial twice to make sure the line connected correctly. It rang and rang and rang and he was already rehearsing the message he was going to leave when the call was finally picked up.

"Casey Gimmel."

"It's Cal. Just 'yes' or 'no', is she there?"

There was a brief pause. "Yes."

"Thank you." Cal hung up, heart pounding.


	16. Chapter 16

Gillian had taken to waking early, even though there was no Lewis to get her out of bed. The earlier she woke, the more tired she was by the evening, so she went to bed early, got through all her sleep, and woke early again. The dream woke her this morning with a sickening thumping of her body that made her conflicted. She wanted the comfort but she usually thought about Cal in these kinds of situations, even before they were together, but somehow, on this occasion it didn't seem right. Not because she had suddenly fallen out of love with him, she hadn't, of course she hadn't, but because... well... it felt like a bit of a betrayal. When she woke up at home from sex dreams she would just fall into Cal's arms and they would go from there. But this time. It just felt wrong to think about him in _that_ way while she was all hot and bothered, and throbbing and...

Gillian sighed and threw back the covers. New York in early Fall meant chilly mornings and coolness late in the evenings. The spare room in Casey's apartment was more like a walk in closet. Single bed, about three square feet of free floor space, and no window. Gillian padded quietly across wooden floorboards to the bathroom. First things first. A cold shower; solo, so she could still the chaos of her mind. She had been there three days and it was already a new habit. She woke early, had a shower, and thought, focused her mind so it didn't wander aimlessly. She felt a little less miserable than she did that way. By the time Gillian finished and had brushed her teeth and crossed back to her bedroom she could hear the voices of Casey and her partner Mark moving around their room. Gillian dressed and waited until she heard them in the bathroom. Then she snuck into the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal.

Mark was always ready first. He had black coffee and wholemeal toast. He was congenial to Gillian and she was polite but she had over heard him asking Casey what she was doing there and how long she would stay. He wasn't objecting to her friend needing somewhere to stay for a few days, it was just that Gillian hadn't really explained herself. When Casey came in ten minutes later, dressed casually, she exchanged an expression with Mark that Gillian could only describe as being suspicious. She got a funny feeling in her stomach; anticipation mixed with dread. They exchanged polite morning greetings, Casey got herself coffee and yoghurt from the fridge and then a little strained silence fell over the small kitchen's occupants. Gillian pretended to be interested in her cereal.

"Ok well, I'm off for the day," Mark announced after finishing rinsing his cup out at the sink. Casey walked him to the apartment door and Gillian could hear the deep rumble of his male voice and it reminded her of Cal. Her stomach panged and Gillian prepared herself for a difficult conversation. Sure enough, when Casey came back, Gillian asked her innocently, "Are you not going to work today?"

And Casey shook her head and fixed Gillian with a very stern expression. "We are going to talk."

**PJ**

They moved to the living room, comfy couches and natural New York lighting. Gillian hugged a pillow to her chest. Not a barrier, but something for her fingers to fidget with while she sat so still and tried to gather her thoughts. Casey waited patiently, her question hanging in the air. "What's going on?"

'_Where to start?'_ Gillian thought, flashes of so many subjects firing through her mind one after the other in micro-seconds of images of Lewis and Cal and pregnancy tests and doctor's offices.

There were times when Casey pushed her to talk. Sometimes she harassed her, flat out demanded that Gillian tell her whatever it was on her mind. In college, if there had been guy trouble, Casey would needle her until she talked it out. In the same way, when Gillian's father started calling, she made her work through the pain of her childhood until it was squared away. But in this instance, she waited for Gillian to speak up first. And Gillian definitely would have if she didn't have a lump in her throat. And she definitely would have if she even knew where to start. She wouldn't have gone to New York if it was not her intention to talk. If she wanted to just runaway for a few days to forget everything she would have found a hotel in Florida and hung out on the beach in her bikini and got a tan; it had been so long since she'd had any time to get a tan.

Finally, after a lengthy silence, Casey spoke up. "Did something happen with Cal?"

Gillian shook her head. No, she and Cal were solid. Although, after this little stunt, she figured things between them would be rocky. She already knew she had a whole lot of making up to do. Big time. Casey flashed confusion. And Gillian could just imagine her thought process; if it wasn't husband trouble, then why the hell had she runaway? And why, if Cal hadn't done something epically wrong, did Gillian continue to send his calls to voicemail?

"It's a few things," Gillian spoke up, forcing the words out. Once she started she knew it would be easier to keep on going. "But it's complicated."

"It always is," Casey empathised. "So tell me about it and then when you're finished I'll give my opinion."

Gillian gave a wry smile. "Is that why you think I came? For your opinion?"

"Well I know it's not to sleep in our spare closet," Casey quipped dryly. "I feel claustrophobic just glancing in from the doorway."

Gillian gave a slightly more genuine smile this time and the tension eased and she was reminded that Casey was very good at her profession. "Lewis might have hearing loss."

"I'm really sorry to hear that," Casey immediately blurted genuinely.

Gillian nodded and wished she knew either way. Cal would have taken him for the tests and possibly even got the results by now. He hadn't told her in his messages. Just kept asking her to call him. At first she didn't want to talk to him because she was upset. And then it got harder and harder to answer the phone. Now with so much time gone by, it would just be so awkward, she was dreading their next conversation. Somehow, it didn't seem enough now to have it over the phone.

"Is that why you're here? Is it too much to deal with?" Casey sounded disbelieving.

"No. Well, no, it's not the only thing."

"Lay the complications on me."

Gillian paused. "I'm menopausal."

'_It seems so stupid saying it aloud.'_

"Yep, it's that magical time of our lives," Casey noted. She read Gillian's dejected body language. "And that bums you out, obviously."

"It means..."

"You're getting older."

"It's not that."

Casey gave her a bewildered expression. "It means your body's changing?" She guessed.

"It means no more kids."

"Did you want more kids?" Casey asked gently.

"Yes," Gillian admitted.

"It's not too late. Menopause doesn't mean you're suddenly infertile. There would still be a chance."

"It's too hard," Gillian studiously avoided her eye. She felt so silly talking about this out loud. It wasn't easy talking to Cal and it was no easier talking to someone removed from the situation. She doubted it would be simpler talking to a stranger. "The IVF," she explained into the silence. "It was just way too hard." She sighed. "If I could get pregnant the normal way, then we'd go for it."

Casey was silent for a moment. "I'm glad to hear you're still including Cal in this. And we all wished you could get pregnant the natural way. Note I said _natural_. You're not ab-normal. Plenty of women have trouble conceiving. In fact twenty five percent of couples trying to conceive have problems, even when there is absolutely nothing wrong. Did you know that?"

Gillian gave a slight shake of her head.

"Twenty six percent of problems are due to the male, thirty percent are completely unexplained and twenty percent are due to ovulatory failures. There was every chance your conception complications were actually Cal's fault."

Gillian was actually surprised to hear those statistics.

"But I know that's not going to make you feel better, knowing you're not alone out there."

Gillian shook her head. She had a fleeting thought about growing to hate Cal instead of herself if the fertility problems had been his.

"What does Cal have to say? I assume you've talked to him? Is he pressuring you?"

"Not directly," Gillian said through a dry throat.

Casey waited for her to go on. "Talk," she demanded lightly. "Don't make me drag it out of you word by word."

Gillian surreptitiously dug a fingernail into the side of her finger. "He said he would love to have more kids but that he couldn't go through IVF again and neither could I." Gillian paused. "And that makes me feel so damn angry!" She paused again, feeling her throat burn. "I hate that he's so honest and yet understanding. This would be so much easier if he yelled at me and blamed me and got _angry_."

"Is that so you could have someone to direct your anger at?"

Gillian shot Casey a glare.

"Don't blame me," Casey fired back. "You came here to talk. If you don't want to hear what I have to say, there's the door," she jerked a thumb.

That reminded Gillian of Cal a lot. He was like that too. Black or white. No grey. Lying or not lying. Yes or no. Truth or happiness. She felt tears prick her eyes. She missed him so much and yet... "I wonder if I'm good enough for Cal."

If Casey was thrown by the sudden shift of subject she didn't show it. She just sat passively. It took Gillian a while longer to realise she had a pad and pencil in her hand. She wasn't writing right now, but Gillian could see she had taken notes. "You'll have to explain that one to me."

Gillian wiped a tear on her cheek. "This." She gestured to the windows showing the New York skyline. The running away part. "My clear inability to be able to deal with not being able to have children."

"You have a child."

"Yes, and that should be enough right? Lewis is amazing and I love him like I love nothing else in this world. But there's still a part of me that wants more. I think about Sophie and yearn for a daughter or just for something else..." A breath. "It's like there's something missing inside me and the more I try to fill it with Cal and Lewis or work or whatever, it just gets bigger and bigger."

A pause.

"I've tried ignoring it and it gets more insistent. I keep thinking: I've had my chance, I have my son, that's enough. I can go to my grave knowing that I was a mother. Properly this time." She had a flash to Lewis's birth and just how close she got to not even having that. "But it's like the knocking on the door is just getting more and more insistent the more I ignore it." A bit like Lewis screaming louder and louder until he got a reaction, until he got their attention.

"Clearly you can't ignore it."

"Clearly," Gillian agreed still finding it hard to meet Casey's eye. She watched clouds rolling through the horizon.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Casey asked after a moment's silence.

"What can I do? My biological clock's battery is going flat."

"That's a good analogy."

Gillian gave the window a wan smile.

Another silence.

"I think on this occasion you've just got to let it go. That's the only way."

"I know," Gillian sighed, looking down at her fingers. She hadn't noticed her fingernail was still digging in to her index finger. She forcibly moved it and watched the purple marks left behind slowly fill with fresh blood and turn bright red. They started to ache. "How do I do that?"

"Time heals all."

"Ugh," Gillian responded looking out the window again.

"What would you tell me if our situations were reversed?"

"Get a dog."

Casey waited. Gillian could feel her eyes on her. She ignored her friend for a long time, wondering if she would cave and break the silence first. She didn't. Clearly her stamina was far more intense. Gillian sighed again and ducked her head. "I would tell you to give it a chance, that it's not an overnight process, to give it time," she mumbled.

"Sage advice."

"Hmph."

Another lengthy silence.

"I'm not sure how all of this makes you less than Cal."

Suddenly, the windows were intensely interesting. "Cal jumped through hoops of fire to change as a person, to be more open with me, to let me in, to become this amazing beautiful man and husband and father."

Casey waited.

"I feel like I've let him down. That I'm not living up to who he fell in love with," Gillian spoke softly.

"By having a few problems?"

Gillian nodded.

"I'm sure Cal would deny that emphatically if you brought that up with him."

"I'm sure he would too," Gillian agreed dryly. "Because that's who he's become."

"Is this about Cal after all? Has he changed beyond the man you love? Can you not love him now that he's sorted his shit out? Did you prefer him broken so you could fix him? So you could feel superior about yourself?"

Gillian turned her head and shot Casey a fierce glare. A 'what the fuck?' glare.

"I'm just asking," Casey appeased. "It happens."

"No," Gillian answered feeling every cell in her body fire with the truth behind that simple word. "I love him more now than I did when I married him."

"I'm no expert, but I'd say you meant that."

"Of course I meant that!" Tears formed in Gillian's eyes and spilled quickly to her cheeks. Her throat closed off and prevented her from saying anything else. She looked away again, wiped her tears with her fingers. Casey didn't move, didn't get up for a tissue, didn't break the moment or allow Gillian a distraction.

"He went to a therapist and sorted everything out and after Brandon Mitchell he went again to deal with it. I just feel like I owe it to him to let this baby thing go so we can be on the same page."

"Which is why you're here now," Casey pointed out. "So you are. And it's not about being good enough for him, it's about having a balanced relationship."

Gillian nodded.

Casey's phone suddenly started ringing. She gave the screen a little frown. "Yes?" She answered and then moved the phone away from her ear slightly. She looked directly at Gillian and Gillian looked back and then Gillian just knew. "Yes," Casey said again in a completely different tone of voice. A tone of confirmation.

"That was Cal wasn't it?"

Casey nodded.


	17. Chapter 17

Cal hung the phone up, his heart thudding. So she _was_ in New York and she _was_ at Casey's and he hoped that meant they were talking and she was working through whatever it was that was bothering her so much. He hoped it wasn't cancer. In fact, the longer she stayed away and ignored him the more convinced he got that there was something medically wrong; that maybe she was dying. It made his heart and stomach and groin simultaneously suck the life out of him. He thought about calling her doctor but also knew there was no way he would divulge anything to Cal over the phone. Which meant he could go down there and fire questions at the guy until he got an answer anyway. But Cal had images of Gillian kneeing him in the groin. He knew if he did that she would have a harder time forgiving him for whatever mess he was currently in. And what if it wasn't? What if she just had a boil or something she had gone to get lanced and she was in New York for a different reason? Then not only would he have over stepped the boundaries, he would also be way off the mark. Even more making up to do.

Why wouldn't she just fucking call him?

He thought about asking Casey to pass the phone over but what he wanted was for Gillian to _want_ to talk to him. He needed for her to come to him. She needed to be able to do it on her terms, he was aware of that. He could be patient. Incredibly patient when he wanted to be. Patience was over rated. Patience was lording it over him at the moment.

Cal closed Gillian's laptop down. As the fan stopped whirring to keep the machinery cool and the room went quiet Cal sat and listened. So quiet in the middle of the day. And now what was he going to do? He checked his watch. He really shouldn't let Lewis sleep too much longer, otherwise he wouldn't sleep that night. And Cal was already having a hard time getting him to go down without the comfort of his mother being around. The incessant 'Mum, mum, mum!' drove him insane with a wanting just as bad as Lewis's. Cal got up from the desk and put the computer away in its case again, just like he had found it. Gillian could think what she wanted about how he had found the number for Casey. She probably just assumed Cal had had it all along.

He went to the living room, changed his mind, and went to the kitchen. He rang Ria, checked in, was everything under control?

"Yeah we're totally fine here."

"Well..." He stopped. He wanted to tell her he would be back at work on Monday but what was he going to do if Gillian wasn't back by then? "I really can't thank you enough for what you guys have been doin' the last few weeks."

"Oh, sure," Ria responded clearly surprised.

"Lewis has some hearin' loss. Complication from the birth and he's been havin' tests done and..." Cal trailed off.

"I'm so sorry to hear that."

"I just, appreciate that you've stepped up. And Eli. Tell him that. And..." Cal was never really good at these things. He had a fleeting thought about recording it for Gillian to hear later, she would get a kick out of it. But then... would she? He didn't know anymore.

There was a little silence and Ria jumped in to fill it. "We'll talk Monday. Take all the time you need. Your family is much more important."

"Yeah," Cal agreed, thinking again of Gillian. She was his family. Without her, there was no Lightman Group, no Lewis, no Cal. It was so very wrong that she had become his whole world. It was beyond unhealthy and he was stupid to have let that happen. That was how he had survived for so long before she came along. He hadn't let anyone get close. Not Zoe, not Emily, not his work colleagues. Not until Gillian arrived in his universe. Well, not Zoe, but certainly his daughter and his employees. Cal realised he had been quiet for too long again. "Call late-a," he mumbled and hung the phone up.

**PJ**

Somehow Cal had ended up on the bed, asleep, and he woke now to the sound of Lewis screaming for his mother. Cal sat up, groggy, feeling drugged, the adrenaline not getting to his muscles fast enough to counteract the hormone that paralysed him while asleep. He staggered across the room like he had been drinking too much. Lewis was bright red in the face, tears and snot dripping into his mouth. His blue eyes were watery, his blonde curls a tangled mess. "I'm here," Cal muttered. He reached down to pick Lewis up, but that didn't stop his tears. In fact, he seemed to wail louder. Or was that just because he was right in Cal's ear now?

Lewis was hot to the touch, enough to alarm Cal a little. He checked Lewis's forehead with the back of his hand. Lewis attempted to slap his hand away. He didn't feel abnormally hot, Cal told himself. He was fine, he was just worked up. Cal moved out of the bedroom despite feeling Lewis needed a nappy change. There was no way he was going to fight him on that while he was so agitated right now. Cal took Lewis to the kitchen instead and attempted to distract him with something to eat, something to drink, but Lewis searched as they moved through the house, jerking his head this way and that to see around Cal and walls as they walked. He was looking for his mother and it broke Cal's fragile heart a little bit more. He felt the cold tendril of dread attempting to crawl through his brain and just about flipped out! There was no way he was going back to that!

"Stop it," he muttered. '_I'm not going there again_.'

Lewis decided he didn't want to be in Cal's arms at all. He started kicking and pushing and squirming. Cal almost dropped him before lowering him to the ground. Lewis looked as though he was going to kick Cal for a second and Cal prepared himself to tell him off for that; upset right now or not, kicking was not ok. Lewis did a slow wander of the kitchen then dared to move into the hallway. Cal followed him and Lewis checked periodically with Cal to see how far he could push his free exploration of the house. The doors to the rooms Cal didn't want him in were closed anyway. Lewis moved to the master bedroom and bathroom and seemed even more upset when Gillian wasn't there. Cal followed him at a cautious distance, just watching and waiting. Lewis went to his own bedroom and then down the hall to the door of the internal access to the garage. He banged on it with open palms, "Mum, Mum, Mum!" He cried.

Cal sighed and stooped to pick the toddler up again. "She's not here Lew." Cal opened the door and showed Lewis the empty garage. "See? She's not here."

Lewis pointed at Gillian's empty spot. He turned to his father. The tears had suddenly stopped and he gave a shuddering intake of breath. Kind of like a hiccup. But not quite. Cal wiped his son's cheeks with his fingers. Lewis tried to shy away from his touch. Cal stepped back and closed the door and put Lewis down on the ground. He walked away slowly. Lewis looked up at the door handle and then after his father. Cal reached the guest bathroom and opened the door. Lewis watched him curiously, his interest piquing. Cal slipped into the room and crossed to the bath. He pressed the plug in place and turned the tap and in the next second Lewis was running into the room, his blue eyes a-light. He pointed at the running water.

"Bath?" Cal asked him.

Lewis pointed at the water again, bouncing slightly on his toes. "Oh! Oh!"

"You'll have to get undressed," Cal told him. "Like this," he reached for his own shirt and pulled it over his head. Lewis watched him intensely. Cal reached for Lewis's shirt. "See? Like this," he pulled the shirt up so Lewis's hands were in the air and then left him to disentangle himself. Cal used that moment to check his nappy. It was just wet. He checked the water temperature while Lewis freed himself. The toys in the bottom of the bath started to float; the traditional yellow rubber duck, a whale, several cups, a water wheel and a strange looking unidentifiable animal that had a hole in its belly so it could be filled up with water to squirt out of its mouth.

"Ah!" Lewis announced throwing his shirt on the floor in triumph.

"Now shorts," Cal told him. Cal had socks on so he peeled them off and then undid the fly of his trousers and shoved them down over his hips, while Lewis watched on fascinated, pointing with his left hand. When Cal's trousers were in a heap on the floor he showed Lewis how to tug down the waist band of his shorts and held his hand while he stepped out of them. Lewis kicked them across the room and laughed. He raced over to the edge of the bath and looked in. There was about a foot of water there now. Lewis squealed at it, jumping around while holding on to the edge of the bath.

"Wait!" Cal told him. He ran his hands through the water to check how warm it was. Lewis leaned over to also trail his fingers through. "What do you think?"

Lewis looked over at him.

"Warm?" Cal asked.

Lewis continued to watch.

Cal was starting to really hate that blank unsure expression. "All right. Nappy off," he said instead and pulled the sticky tabs. It was heavy and should have been changed an hour ago. Lewis's nappy rash was starting to look quite red again. "Sorry buddy," Cal apologised as Lewis's hands went to the sore skin. Lewis tried to climb into the bath so Cal picked him up and placed him in the water. Lewis squealed excitedly. The water was up to his shins now, deeper than it had ever been. He crouched down to pick up a cup, then stood and poured the water from his height. It made a deep gushing sound as it hit the water filling the bath around his legs. Cal rolled the nappy up and re-stuck the tabs to hold it in place and threw it towards the door to bin later. He stripped off his boxer briefs. "Watch out," he told Lewis, indicating that he should move further down the bath. Towards the plug. So Cal didn't have to sit on it. The water could have been warmer and Cal let it run a little longer until it was up his waist, sitting down. He would probably get cold pretty quickly but it was worth it to see the delighted expression on his son's face.

Lewis offered Cal a cup of water and Cal accepted. He poured it over his own head and Lewis stopped to watch. He giggled suddenly and threw his cup of water in his father's face. Cal blew the water out of his nose and wiped it out of his eyes. He laughed and filled his cup and dumped it over Lewis's head. Lewis looked stunned for a second, as if he wasn't quite sure what had just happened. Like blowing air in a dog's face. Cal laughed again and then Lewis laughed and filled his cup and threw it at Cal, except most of it when over the side of the bath and on to the floor. And Cal didn't care. Because Lewis was laughing and he was laughing and for a second he had forgotten about Gillian.

Cal poured water through the water wheel and then filled up the funny little creature and squirted the taps. He held the whale under and let it go so it shot to the surface suddenly. Lewis liked that one and wanted to have a go. Cal swam the yellow duck around them by shoving the water underneath to create a current for it to get caught on. Lewis plucked it out of the water and put it in his mouth. Cal shook his head. "Don't eat it. Not without some star anise and orange soy marinade."

Lewis offered the animal to Cal. He took it and squeezed the water out of the little valve underneath. It made a squeaky wheezy sound. Lewis was suddenly far more interested in that than his whale. He snatched the duck back. Cal took the whale. He scooted it across the water, creating a wake and Lewis looked on fascinated, envious; his toys didn't do cool things like that when he played with them.

Cal stayed in the water for twenty minutes. Then it got cold to the point of being uncomfortable. But he got exactly what he wanted out of it, not a wash, or cleanliness, but a distraction for his son, a way to connect with him without words; peace, quiet, love. He left Lewis in the water and dried himself off with one of the spare towels. He wrapped the material around his waist and put his t-shirt back on. With his ever present phone, he sat on the closed lid of the toilet. No messages, no missed calls...

He found his daughter's phone number and connected the call.

"Hey Dad what's up?"

"Needed to hear a friendly voice."

"Oh. Ok. Is everything ok?"

**PJ**

"All right, PJ's next," Cal instructed. Lewis went to his drawers. He knew the bed time routine. Clean nappy. Pyjamas. Book. Bottle. Hugs. Bed. His new nappy made a squishy sound as he waddled. The drawers were far too tall for him but he went to them and reached his hands up above his head and strained as if they would magically extend, or maybe the furniture would shrink. Cal dumped the old nappy and went to help him. He lifted the toddler up and pulled the drawer on the left. "Trucks or dinosaurs?" He asked Lewis, pointing out a set of each.

"Dat, dat," Lewis pointed.

"That?" Cal asked him. 'Dat' was a new word!

"Ah ah ah!" Lewis sing-songed and clapped his hands together in approval when Cal pulled the trucks. Cal helped Lewis put the light summer sleep wear on and then Lewis raced from the room. Cal caught up to him on the hallway floor where Lewis had lost his balance and fallen. He picked himself up and turned to his father. "You're all right," Cal told him and continued to walk by, heading for the kitchen. Lewis followed a little more cautiously this time.

Together, they made Lewis's bottle, then went back to the living room where they sat together on the couch. Cal read the _Little Yellow Digger_ to Lewis. Twice. Cal wondered if he could even hear him speaking. He was probably just enjoying the pictures and cuddling up with his father on the couch. After the second viewing Lewis scooted down the couch and waddled his way over to his book shelf. "One more," Cal told him. His phone started ringing and he dug for it absently, keeping an eye on Lewis in case he decided to climb up the bookcase, instead of just selecting an item from the bottom shelf.

"Yeah?" He answered expecting it to be Ria. He had told her he was going to check back in. He had forgotten. Was he going to work on Monday? Yeah probably. He was feeling better about things.

"It's me."

His heart stopped. Enough for him to notice. It was painful and worrying and his hand flew to his chest as he sat up. And then it rushed to make up for the beats it had missed.

"Gill?" His voice was strangled.

"I'm coming home."

"When?"

It came out: _when!?_

"I'm about to get on a flight."

"Want me to pick you up?"

"My car's there."

Oh right.

"See you soon?" Gillian asked hopefully.

"Yes," Cal answered numbly.

"Ok," Gillian said gently and hung up.

Cal sat back, tears in his eyes. A sob erupted from his chest, a tension he hadn't realised was so intense. He knew it was bad, but he hadn't realised it hurt _this_ much! Cold fingers on his leg. He looked up. Lewis had tilted his head to see his father's face, blue eyes curious, blond hair falling across his forehead. He watched Cal for a second and then started to climb into his lap. Cal reached out a hand and pulled on his son's upper arm. Lewis kneed his way over Cal's thighs and he ignored the pain because compared to the feeling of unknown his wife had created, nothing felt like it was in proportion anymore. Lewis threw himself into Cal's torso, his arms wide; a hug. Cal wrapped his arms around the smaller body and held on tightly. It felt like his heart was breaking two fold.


	18. Chapter 18

_AN: This is the strongest M rated chapter of this fic for theme and some content. Read on at your own risk. It's not pretty in any form. You have been warned. _

**PJ**

Cal put Lewis to bed and then he paced around the house and he worked out how long the flight would be and how much time he had to kill. The flight was just over an hour. But there would be time queuing, getting her bag, getting to her car, driving over here. That could take hours and hours. Cal paced around, checked his phone, a new habit. He went to check on Lewis and removed the empty bottle. Lewis had his arms and legs fed through the bars of his crib and his faced mashed up against the barrier. He can't have been comfortable like that. But tonight was the first night he had gone to sleep straight away without chucking a fit and Cal was loath to do anything to compromise the peace.

Several hours and what to do? He'd never been a big TV viewer. He went to their room and put it on anyway and found something inane to watch. Something to fill the silence. He hadn't changed their bed sheets. In his almost obsessive need to keep the house tidy for Gillian when she got home, he hadn't had the heart to change the sheets. They smelt like her. And he was hanging on to the memories. He found a re-run of an old X-File episode. And it made him remember that Gillian used to like this show. Used to. She still did. She wasn't dead. She hadn't died. She had chosen to leave him. She had made a choice. A conscious decision.

Cal turned on to his side and ignored the TV. He buried his face in her pillow, his back to the door and fought back the urge to cry. What was he going to say when he saw her? If he was angry would she turn and runaway again? How much of this was going to be him kissing her ass and how much of it would be her making it up to him?

**PJ**

Cal startled at the sound of someone in the room. He turned over, surprised he had been asleep, surprised by the noise. He thought of Lewis. Maybe he had finally figured out how to climb out of bed. But no. It was Gillian. She had dropped her bag on the floor and it had knocked against his dresser and it was the sound of hardened plastic against wood that had brought him out of his image-less dreams.

"Sorry," she whispered straightening up. Her hair was pulled back from her face in a micro-ponytail and little wisps of hair were falling around her face and neck.

"S'all right," Cal murmured, turning towards her, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed to stand. His first thought was to go to her and when he registered the vulnerable expression on her face the urge was even stronger. She was waiting for him. She was going to react based on what he did next. And he just wanted to hold her. He missed her. He crossed the space between them in three strides, his arms already extending to wrap around her shoulders.

She felt small in his embrace and he wondered if he had forgotten what she felt like normally already. He heard the slightest sigh from her and he held her a little tighter. In that moment he considered her forgiven. She was home and she was holding him, not pushing him away, and she was forgiven. He could quite possibly forgive her anything. His stomach lurched. Now if she would only talk to him...

They stood for a long time that way, their arms tightly around each other, until they were swaying slightly on the spot to a rhythm pulsing between them. Cal felt his body start to warm. He shifted his hands lower and she let him. He drew back and pressed his nose into her neck and inhaled her in, and she let him. He shifted further, pressing his lips against hers and she let him. His tongue begged for entrance and she let it. His fingers pushed her cardigan away. She let him. She let him kiss her, feel for her skin, undress her, turn her towards the bed. He wanted her so badly he wasn't paying attention. He had forgotten all about the last time they had tried to have sex. He should have. Because if he had to pin point just one single moment in the last week that had sent her running it would have been the last time they had tried to have sex.

Cal didn't notice Gillian being a passive participant. She turned away from him and Cal pressed up behind her, pulling her shirt off over her head. She was wearing black and he'd always had a thing for her in black. She liked pink, bright, optimism. Cal liked the black, sexy, gritty, naughty. He felt for her jeans in the front, kissing the back of her shoulders and neck. Her hands gripped on his arms and didn't move. She didn't feel for him. She didn't undress him. And Cal wasn't paying attention. He pushed her jeans away, slipped a hand down her underwear, felt the shudder of her body, the intake of her breath, loud in the silent room. Her hands came away from his arms, felt behind her for his own trousers; he helped her, feeling a desperate need to be close to her again.

Maybe if he'd being paying attention he would have noticed that they rushed it. Make up sex was supposed to be hot and heavy and this instant was those things; but it was also about reconnecting, forgiving, making things right again. They'd never really done the makeup sex thing. They hadn't ever really argued or fought. Not to the point where they weren't talking to each other. Not to the point where they'd needed makeup sex. Cal shrugged out of his own shirt, finished undoing his own trousers, excited himself. Gillian dropped forward to the bed and gave a little sigh as Cal entered her. But Cal didn't notice that either because all he could focus on was the fact that she was back; she was physically back with him and he really just wanted to make the most of that.

He gripped her hips and Gillian gripped the bed sheets. They didn't talk. And if Cal had been paying attention to that he might have thought it strange. He might have noticed that he was shagging her instead of making love and he might have noticed that this was the wrong thing to do. It wasn't like she wasn't a willing participant, but it was almost as if she didn't want to be there right now. But Cal wasn't paying attention to that. What he was paying attention to was the climax. He could feel her body preparing for it, building, her fingers twitching towards him, her muscles tightening. He suddenly pulled away. "Cal!" Gillian cried softly, her hand belatedly groping for him behind her. "What the hell?"

Cal turned her over roughly and she fell on to her back on the mattress, roughing up the bedclothes. "I want to see your face," he told her gruffly and was on her again in the next second. He decided he liked it this way better. He could feel the full length of her body beneath his and her hands were in his hair and his lips were on her neck; that little spot that was so delicate and powerful. Cal slipped a hand underneath her back and unhooked her bra. Her breasts were still full with milk Lewis was no longer getting. It felt like much longer, but she had only actually been gone three days.

Cal could feel her body tensing again and felt the familiar excited pull of his own. He liked to make her feel good. He liked that he had that control over her. But just as he knew she was nearly there he suddenly felt her muscles constrict. She put the brakes on. She shut it down. She shuddered with the effort and her face flashed the slightest frown and after she had done that and Cal leaned over her so stunned and hurt, she refused to meet his eye. Cal climbed off her wordlessly, taking a fist full of sheet with him and tugging the entire thing out from under her and off the bed in one swift movement. He swung it around his waist and stalked to the door, letting it slam shut behind him.

He went to the living room, anger boiling his blood to the point where he wanted to put his fist through the front window. He wanted to rip apart the couch cushion with his fingernails. He wanted to throw the TV against the wall. He was so angry he knocked his ankle against the table as he strode around the couch and stumbled and fought back angry tears as he sat heavily. Then he decided he was too restless for sitting. He got up again. Moved into the dining room, eyed up all the furniture he could throw, then back to the living room, trying to calm down, blaming himself, hating this situation, feeling helpless and worn and so, so, so damn lost!

He paced back, finding his way in the dark by the light of the hallway. The sheet caught around the back of his favourite comfy armchair and tugged out of his grasp. Cal hauled all of it up over his shoulder, fashioning a crude toga, like he had done once in college for a party. Back then he had thought he would never get married and he'd never have children, because he would never inflict the kind of hurt his mother had put on him on his own family. He would never in a million years think that he would do it twice. Two marriages, two children, two disasters.

Cal turned on his heel and stalked back to the bedroom. Gillian was sitting up now, pulling a t-shirt over her head, his t-shirt. He could see the way her nipples stood out through the material and the flush of sex still on her skin. He slammed the door behind him again and Gillian's head shot up, blue eyes wide and she flinched when she saw the look on his face. He let her see it. He was angry. He wanted to hurt her like she hurt him. He wanted to lash out, hit back, take something away from her. He wanted to fuck her right now, so hard it hurt the both of them.

"Don't eva do that to me again!" He snarled while jabbing a finger in her direction. "You hear me?"

Unreasonable bastard right now? Yes. A little bit.

Gillian looked stunned for a second and then her face clouded over and returning anger pooled in her eyes. She stood, defiant, the blanket bunched around her waist and she held it in place there. Cal might have thought it comical, him standing there in a toga made out of the bed sheet, and her half dressed, covering up with the blankets. But this wasn't funny. He was so fucking angry he could feel his muscles firing even as he stood still. He quivered with self restraint. He wanted to leap over there and slap her across the face. He wanted to punch a hole in the wall. He wanted to do something dangerous just to be near her.

He wanted to shake answers out of her. But there were just too many damn questions to ask all at once.

"This isn't what I was expecting," Gillian started and in her slight hesitation Cal pounced.

"Oh really!? What did you expect, a bed of fuckin' roses?" Cal stepped forward. "A pathway of petals laid out for you in welcome?" He asked snidely as he took steady steps towards her. "Did you think I wouldn't want to have sex with my wife when she got back from bein' gone for three days?"

Gillian looked abashed.

"Did you think I wouldn't miss you?"

Her cheeks went red.

"Did you think we would just sit down and have a nice amiable convasation like nothin' has happened?" He was in her face now and he couldn't stop.  
"No," Gillian tried.

"Cos I don't really think that's how it works Gill," Cal almost spat at her. He was quite enjoying seeing her squirm to be honest. She owed him one. She had to make it up to him. He challenged her with his gaze, silently asking her: '_How are you going to make it up to me?'_

They were inches apart and Cal stared point blank into her blue eyes, watching emotions he couldn't read swim through them. He was too close to see properly. Physically and emotionally. Gillian grabbed his face and kissed him suddenly, fiercely, hard. It almost hurt. But Cal wasn't sure that was to do with the pressure of her lips against his. This whole stupid situation was bittersweet and painful. All he wanted to do was get rid of the pain. Gillian's fingers pushed the toga off his shoulder and it fell away from his waist and he roughly did the same with the material covering her skin. All of it rushed up over him; he wanted her so fucking badly.

She was still swollen and hot and wet and he slammed into her hard until he saw a glimmer of discomfort between her eyebrows and then he stopped. He had never hurt her intentionally. He kept the tempo, but he eased up on the violence. This wasn't how he wanted it to be between them. This wasn't how he ever envisioned being with her. She dug her fingernails into his butt until he was sure she had pierced the skin. He could still see her trying to resist, while at the same time urging him on. The pressure of her fingers was slightly in the wrong direction but then sure in the next breath. She refused to meet his eyes and her feet found a way to press against his legs, also in the wrong direction. The thing was, Cal knew her too damn well for a second attempt on her part to shut down what she was feeling. He could feel her getting close just as much as she knew it.

Out of defiance, Cal was sure of it, he could see the slight flickers of concentration as she knew what was about to happen and tried to ignore it. But then, the thing about orgasms, Cal knew from, yep, more research, was that once they started, there was no stopping them. So he threw himself into the effort of tipping her off that cliff. Not just with his 'manhood' but his hand and then his tongue in her mouth. And then she was gasping for it, her eyes rolling back into closed eyelids, her fingers digging a little harder, her body freezing up, an involuntary cry escaping her lips as this one rocked her, double the potency because she had frozen the first one. The ripples of her body were so strong Cal lost it a second later. He collapsed on top of her and felt her lungs fighting for air. He was finished within a few seconds, another let down of age, but Gillian kept on going for half a minute longer, by which time Cal had moved off of her, composed himself, and was watching her writhe, in amusement. He felt like telling her 'see? Told you,' but was pretty sure that would earn him kick.

And now that was out of the way, he was wondering what happened next.


	19. Chapter 19

"It's time for you to go home," Casey reached out and put her phone down on the table next to where she was sitting.

"I know," Gillian hung her head.

"I'm surprised Cal didn't drive up here and drag your arse back to DC."

"Me too," Gillian admitted through un-cooperative lips. She was suddenly tired, sluggish, and filled with dread. But Casey was right. It was time to suck it up and go home and face her husband and find out what was going on with her son. In that order. Because for once, Cal was going to come first in their relationship. She owed him that. Big time.

"Are you hungry? Maybe we should have some lunch first?"

Gillian turned over the watch on her wrist. It was late afternoon. They had been talking for hours. She nodded. She wasn't overly hungry, but Casey was offering her a nice and easy procrastination that she just couldn't pass up on. She knew exactly why Cal didn't drive up here to get her. He wouldn't have allowed for the chance that Lewis might miss his doctor's appointments. But more importantly, she knew, he would have wanted to give her the space so that she could work out her troubles. He would want her to come back of her own recognisance.

Casey took her out to a cafe. They had coffee and soup and then melted cheese and tomato chutney Panini's. Gillian felt cold. Even with the warmth of the food and her friend; dread was icy and it had a hold of her heart. She had no idea what she was going to say to Cal. She had no idea about a lot of things. She didn't know how to fix her head. Some things didn't have over night cures and this was an issue that was so deep seated it went back to her childhood. Talking with Casey had merely opened her eyes up so she could see the problem for what it was. She could see it now from all angles, writhing like black smoke. But how to get rid of the smoke? Opening a window just wasn't going to cut it. She needed more than that. Maybe opening a window, turning on a fan, spraying aerosol... Maybe she needed to find a shrink when she got home again.

Casey talked through their lunch and she didn't even seem to care that Gillian was so blatantly not listening to a word of it. She heard snippets, words, phrases. She nodded, she smiled, but she was being selfish and thinking about herself and she was endlessly grateful that she had found a friend like Casey; someone who didn't judge her for who she was, screw ups and all. With Casey it had been reciprocal. Casey had cried on her shoulder just as many times. She had crashed on her couch after a fight with a boyfriend. When her mother died, Gillian was there. With Cal, it had _become_ reciprocal. And she liked it that way. So very much.

They went home. Gillian packed. Casey rang for a flight and a cab. She took Gillian's bag downstairs and gave her a hug and told her that it would all be all right. Cal was a very smart and very understanding kind of guy. He would forgive her. They would talk it out, work it out, and then it would be over.

"He'll be angry."

"Yes he will," Casey agreed gently. "So you have to let him have that, get it over with, and then make him see that you need him. Ok?"

Gillian nodded like a little school girl. She felt like one though. Her life felt like it was out of her control. She was just going to do what she was told.

"You call me if you need to. But you need to work this out with Cal."

Gillian nodded again. She sure did.

Casey hugged her once more and kissed her cheek and wiped away an errant tear. She put Gillian in the cab and wished her luck and waved until she was out of sight. Gillian wiped another tear in the cab. Casey really was one of the best friends she had. But Cal had always been the best. He knew her in ways that no one else ever would. And that had nothing to do with sex.

At JFK Gillian checked her bag and wandered aimlessly for a while. Her phone called to her from her purse. It told her to ring her husband. He would be even madder if she didn't tell him she was coming home. If she showed up and surprised him... it wouldn't be a good surprise. And besides, he had left her forty three messages in the last three days, asking her to call him, or to just talk to him. If she had broken that silence with even a text message it wouldn't be so hard to do now. Gillian found a bookstore and wandered in, willing to procrastinate just a little more. She automatically went to the children's section, seeing if there was anything Lewis might like.

Gillian heard her flight being called and started to make her way purposefully towards the gate. Before she reached the security checks she pulled the weighty phone from her bag. Surprisingly, there were no missed calls from Cal. No missed calls at all. She connected the call, the first slot on her speed dial; number one.

"Yeah?" He sounded distracted when he answered.

"It's me," she indentified herself, feeling strange to do so, because surely he would have seen her number come up in his phone? Was he being cool on purpose?

There was a pause. "Gill?" He asked, sounding strained, or choked up.

"I'm coming home," she blurted, feeling her heart beat rise a little at the words. Nerves? The over head announcement declared that the first class passengers could now start boarding.

"When!?" Cal asked sounding excited and surprised.

"I'm about to get on a flight."

"Want me to pick you up?"

"My car's there."

A pause in which neither of them said anything. Gillian wanted him to talk. Clearly there were things to say. But maybe not over the phone. It would be safer over the phone. She would be able to hide over the phone.

"See you soon?" Gillian asked hopefully.

"Yes," Cal answered numbly.

"Ok," Gillian said gently and hung up.

**PJ**

Gillian couldn't quite remember where she had parked her car and normally she would pay attention to things like that. She would have memorised the bay number or written it down somewhere. She remembered the vague vicinity. It was warm in D.C and if it meant she wasn't getting home any faster she didn't mind a casual stroll around the car park rows. Then she got stuck in traffic and that only served to unsettle her nerves even more. She expected three things when she got home. Cal would be angry, he would also be glad to see her and he would demand to know what happened. And Gillian had no idea how she was going to explain to him. There was no way to justify running away. When times got tough, they were supposed to be relying on each other...

It was much later when Gillian got home. Lewis would be asleep and she felt a pang that she wouldn't get to see him. She crept into the quiet house, uneasy. Most of the lights were off but there was a large crack of light spilling into the hallway and up the wall from the master bedroom. Gillian placed her bag on the ground and pushed the door to Lewis's bedroom open. His room was warm and she could see from the night light that he was pressed up against the bars of his bed. He was in summer pyjamas still, his face peaceful. Gillian ran her fingers through his fine blonde hair. It was so soft and he was warm and he gave a little sigh. She wanted to wake him up so she could talk to him and cuddle him but there was no way. The last time he had been woken up in the night no one had gotten any sleep until four thirty the next afternoon.

Gillian pulled Lewis's door closed again and picked up her bag and headed on to the master bedroom. Cal was clearly not in any other part of the house otherwise there would be more lights on. And he clearly hadn't heard her come in, otherwise he would have pounced on her immediately. Or maybe he was still waiting to strike on the other side of the door. Gillian's stomach seized in nerves. She hoped he would at least take a breath so she could start to explain, just start to make him see.

She pushed on the door tentatively, expecting to see Cal standing there waiting. But he wasn't. He was on the bed, lying on his side, his back to the door and she was reminding of breaking in on him sleeping in the exact same position years before. When Zoe had left him. Back then he'd gone on a drinking binge and hadn't showered or got out of bed for three days. Gillian wished she hadn't thought of that right now. What if Cal had gone on a drinking binge for three days? She got closer and dropped her bag on the floor at her feet. He stirred and turned over and blinked bleary eyes at her.

"Sorry," Gillian whispered straightening up again. He didn't look as though he'd been on a drinking binge. He was shaved, sort of, and his hair was tidy and it looked as though he had fallen asleep in clean clothes. On her side of the bed.

"S'all right," Cal murmured, turning towards her, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed to stand.

Gillian stood and waited, afraid, so afraid that he would brush past her and leave the room, refuse to talk to her or even look at her. She expected him to yell, to tell her she was awful, that she had let him down and Lewis. Lewis even more really. Especially right now. The question about his hearing test burned on her tongue but she was so scared she couldn't form any words right now. Cal crossed the space between them in three strides, his arms already extending to wrap around her shoulders.

Gillian sank into his chest. She let out a little sigh. She had missed him so much. And she had forgotten how comforting his embrace was. How could she forget that? Cal tightened his arms around her. He didn't say anything, just swayed slightly where he stood, finding their rhythm easily. His hand suddenly shifted lower. And then his nose into her neck. Gillian heard him breathe her in and knew his intentions even before he turned his head to kiss her gently. She definitely was not expecting this. She knew they should talk first. This wasn't right to just jump into bed with each other. Things needed to be said. But she didn't push him away. Even as she tried to resist. She didn't push him away. She couldn't. Not again. She felt his tongue against her lips and let him in. It was like she couldn't help herself. It was like she was complying for his forgiveness... or for the sake of trying to set things right... or that if this was how he wanted it to be than she would let him... if it just meant that they could set things right again.

Cal pushed her cardigan off her shoulders. His hands smoothed over her bare shoulders and arms and then under her shirt, across her abdomen and around her back. Her stomach quivered with wanting him. He turned her towards the bed, kissing her along the way. When they reached the mattress Gillian kept her back to him. She felt the hard length of his body behind her and his hands as they pulled her shirt off over her head. Her hands flew to his arms, wanting to touch him but wanting to resist at the same time. Part of her wanted to say no. But another didn't feel it was the right thing to do. Besides, sex with Cal was the best. She had never turned him down. She had never wanted to. She didn't want to on this occasion. It was just the wrong occasion.

His hands were on her jeans next and she let him push them down over her hips. She could hear her own breath, hungry in the silent room. She really did want him so badly. And when his hand slid down the front of her underwear she couldn't control the shudder of relief from her body or the sharp intake of her breath in delight. Her fingers felt for him, a mind of their own, desperate in their fumble to feel him. She felt Cal's spare hand join her, guide her, help her to help him. He left her alone for a second and was back and was naked now and then was inside her and she just about collapsed on to the bed, her need was so desperate. She grabbed a massive fistful of bed covers in each hand because she refused to touch him. And he didn't seem to notice. He didn't seem to notice that it wasn't quite right. He didn't talk and he didn't touch her and it was the first time she ever felt like she was being used by him.

But despite thinking that, her body was feeling something else entirely. It was almost as if she had cellular memories of him now. The way he made her feel was good, great, amazing. Her body welcomed the feel of him, the smell of him. She could feel her muscles tense up as Cal brought her close to climax and she reached around to touch him, to connect with him. But suddenly he was gone. "Cal!" She cried out trying to feel for him behind her. "What the hell?"

Cal turned her roughly by the shoulders, throwing her off balance so she fell back on the mattress, taking her fistful of bed covers with her. "I want to see your face," he told her gruffly falling over her body. Gillian's fingers flew into his hair as he kissed her neck, the little spot that was so sensitive to him. He slipped a hand under her back and unhooked her bra and massaged with just the right amount of pressure that she felt herself tensing up again. Gillian looked up at the ceiling. She had done it many times before while having sex with Cal. He liked to see her face. It wasn't often they did it with him behind her. She felt the tempo increase and her body rush towards the finish line and all of a sudden all she could think about what how much she didn't want this. How much she didn't want it to be this way. She felt terrible, guilty, undeserving. It took some effort and a serious amount of concentration, but she shut the orgasm down before it could race through her. She was aware of Cal watching her but she couldn't meet his eye. Her guilt doubled. He moved away from her wordlessly and yanked the bed sheet from underneath her roughly. She didn't watch him leave. Just flinched when the door slammed shut.

Fuck, she was still fucking this up.


	20. Chapter 20

Cal turned his head to look at Gillian. He could see her fingers fidgeting with the bed cover out of the corner of his eyes. He was more focused on her face right now. "You went to see your therapist is that it?"

"Would have been easier if she hadn't moved out of state," Gillian quipped dryly. She looked over at him. Cal stared back. He wanted for her to elaborate. He wanted for her to start bloody well talking.

"Let's hear it then."

Gillian looked as though she had flinched.

**PJ**

"It's not your job to make me happy."

"Well then you do it! Because you're right! I've been tryin' like crazy to make you happy. I've gone out of my way to sort my shit out and stop all those destructive behaviours. Not for your sake! But so I could appreciate bein' with you fully. You're everythin' to me and I did everythin' I could do to be good enough. I dragged myself up to your level!" Cal yelled as he gestured and paced. "Only to find that you had jumped ship. And now I'm wonderin' where the hell I went wrong. What did I do to drive you away?" Now he was crying. "Tell me! Just fuckin' tell me!"

Gillian promptly broke down into tears and Cal stopped pacing, feeling a burning feeling in his throat that reminded him of arguments with his father so many years ago, when he wanted to say so much more and was repressing it. He wanted to shake the truth out of her. He wanted to get in her face. But the danger of knowing Gillian too well, was not that she was his blind spot, it was that he didn't _want_ to face everything he knew about her. Everything was so much easier to point out and discuss when it wasn't personal.

Cal got down on his knees in front of her, ignoring the pop of his kneecap as he pressed his weight on it. "Tell me," he begged, imploring into her down turned face, aware that no one and nothing on the earth had made him feel so vulnerable like this before. "Because I chose you Gillian. Is it that I not tell you that enough? I choose you and happiness and bein' in love."

Gillian shifted away from him. She rolled and turned and stood up on the other side of the bed. She had just put huge amount of space between them. That queen sized mattress, where they had made love for the first time, where they had conceived the idea of their son, where their marriage was now falling apart.

"Please tell me we're not ova," Cal's voice broke and he shuddered with the effort of clamping down on grief. He looked up at her from the floor and across the bed, that he was hating so much right now, that was symbolising so much.

Gillian looked stricken. "We're not over," she croaked out. "I'm just confused right now."

Cal felt relieved and it was strange, because she wasn't really assuring him of anything. "Confused about what?"

"I don't know."

"Then how can you say that!"

"Everything! I'm confused about everything!"  
"Could you be any more ambiguous?"

Gillian's eyes narrowed at him. "Could you be any more antagonistic?"

"I'm just tryin' to get some answas! Cos you're bein' so bloody tight lipped. Why did you leave me?

"That's not fair," Gillian tried to cut in.

"What's not fair is that you abandoned your son when he needed you the most and you ran out on our marriage. My first wife did that. You knew that specifically about me and you knew how much it hurt that she just took off and wouldn't try anymore. You were there. Or have you forgotten about pickin' up the pieces? You couldn't have done anythin' more offensive than if you'd killed yourself!"

"Stop!" She yelled back. "I knew it would be hard. I know you're angry but I still expect you to listen to me and respect me!"

Cal stopped up short like someone had clipped off the end of his tongue. Fair bloody point. He didn't have to say the really hurtful things. But fuck it, _she_ had left _him_ and she was not explaining anything and he was angry. He had no idea where he stood right now, and ok so maybe he could give her a chance to explain, without interrupting.

At least she was fighting back.

Realisation struck Cal cold. She had stopped fighting back. They used to bicker back and forth, tease back and forth, bounce ideas off each other. And that had stopped. All of a sudden she had stopped accusing him of being a liar and just started to believe that he was one.

"What?" Gillian prompted.

Cal realised he had been staring without blinking. He got up, painfully, his knee protesting. The disturbing thing was that he didn't remember how he had hurt it. Just that it got worse the more he pushed it, the more years that went by.

**PJ**

"You said you'd neva try to change me."

"I know but you changed anyway."

"You want me to go back to how I was?" Cal asked incredulously.

"No. I love you the way you are now. You're a beautiful man."

"Then what? Cos I'm not gettin' it."

"You changed for me anyway. Because you wanted to. Because you wanted to be better for me! _For_ me. That's a lot of pressure Cal."

"Huh?" Escaped Cal's lips before he could process his mouth.

"Suddenly you're attentive and caring and you stop obsessing over the muscles in my face and it's everything I could dream of. Having this balanced relationship with you. And then that balance shifted slightly." She paused. She had to give him time to think and absorb otherwise the words would bleed into each other.

"We're off kilta again," Cal supplied.

Gillian nodded. "Except now it's me that's out of line."

"And you resent me for that?"

"No," she said slowly, patiently. "I just have to find a way to balance it out again."

"You mean we? _We_ have to. We're a partnership Gill."

"I know. Maybe I didn't know that before but I know it now."

**PJ**

"Sometimes you just have to push through those tough times."

"I push Cal! I have pushed and pushed for years and years. All the shit you've put me through since I've known you! I tried and tried and tried and this was just one thing that I couldn't deal with. My son is deaf and I, all of a sudden, can't have any more kids. It's final this time. It's over. And I flipped out and I took off. I'm sorry! I'm sorry I reacted that way but that's what happened and I'm asking you to forgive me so we can move on!"

Cal had never studied her face so carefully in his life. If he saw contempt... that was it for them. It would be over. And he was admittedly scared. Gillian's face was open to him. She wasn't hiding anything.

"I don't resent you," she added. Cal felt like he had been slapped. "That's what you're looking for?" He didn't answer her. "I've never gone through my life with blinkers on Cal. I would never have come to work for you if I thought for a second that you would be any other way but yourself."

She stepped towards him. "I came to work with you with an open heart. And I came into this marriage with an open heart. I love you with all my heart. I love our son with all my heart. I don't know how else to convince you. You can see it on my face," she said with confidence.

"That's a lot of heart," Cal noted dryly.

"Are you making a joke right now?" Gillian teased gently.

"Eases the tension."

There was a moment of reflective silence.

"I'm sorry."

"This isn't your fault," Gillian told him gently.

"It kinda comes across that way."

Gillian sighed, hung her head a little as well. "It's mine."

"See, cos it's usually my fault."

"I'm not perfect you know."

Cal blanched. "You are to me."

"I'm not," Gillian insisted. "I have my faults too. I need you to stop putting me up on that pedestal. You won't let me fall."

"I don't want you to get hurt."

"Then stop protecting me. It just means I have further to fall. And on occasion, I will fall."

Cal realised they had stopped arguing, stopped yelling, and were actually talking. "I'm sorry," he offered again, but his tone belied a different kind of apology. He had to stop protecting her. About everything, about not having any more kids, about Lewis's hearing loss, about the thoughts in his head. It wasn't doing either of them any favours. Cal was working twice as hard to keep things easy and Gillian wasn't learning to deal with things properly.

**PJ**

"Oh god! It's four thirty in the morning!" Gillian groaned gently and dropped back against the pillow heavily.

"So where does that leave us?" Cal asked feeling shell shocked. He wasn't entirely sure they had resolved anything. They had talked over many things tonight and they had yelled and cried and he felt exhausted. But he wasn't confident they had actually reconnected.

"Really tired, that's where that leaves us," Gillian rubbed her eyes, thinking Lewis would be awake in a few hours.

"I meant you and me."

"I know you did," Gillian responded even softer than before. "I don't know where that leaves us."

Cal turned his head to study the wall opposite the bed. "Want me to go sleep in the spare room?"

"No. You're fine where you are. This is your bed, if I recall."

"I'm sorry about early-a. Not my finest moment."

"Me either," Gillian sighed.

Cal wondered if they were talking about the same thing. He used to know exactly what they were talking about. He closed his eyes. He could hear her breathing next to him. It was comforting to have her back. But somehow everything had changed. And her breathing next to him was fraught with second doubts.


	21. Chapter 21

Cal woke up to Lewis calling out for him. Him. For the first time in Lewis's life, he woke up yelling, "Dad! Dad! Daaaaad!"

Cal groaned and started to sit up, thinking three hours sleep was completely unfair and ridiculous but knowing there was no other way he was going to manage a sleep in. Next to him, Gillian rolled and was out of bed and across the room before he had even pried his eyes open. "Dad!" Lewis continued to yell and Cal felt a surge of glee that Lewis wasn't calling for his mother. After everything she had put the both of them through, she didn't deserve it. Cal heard the excited squeal of his son as Gillian went to his bedroom and the higher lilt of her voice through the wall. Then much more exuberant cries of Lewis as they reacquainted. And then Cal felt glad. For the both of them. He knew they needed each other. She was the boy's mother after all.

He went to the kitchen, picking the sleep out of his eye and trying not to stumble into the door frame. He was wearing underwear but didn't remember pulling them on. And while he was confused about that memory, some other moments of the night before filtered in. His behaviour. The screaming matches. He poured coffee. Then hesitated over pouring a mug for Gillian. Part of him wanted to punish her some more by purposefully leaving out all those little things he normally did for her, the day to day. Another part wanted things to go back to how they were.

Gillian came in a few moments later with a freshly changed Lewis. She didn't quite meet Cal's eye and they didn't say anything to each other. Lewis watched Cal over her shoulder as she took him to his highchair. Cal was pretty sure, if Lewis could talk, that he would be getting the blame right now for keeping Gillian from his son. As if it were his fault. As if he had been hiding her away somewhere this whole time. Cal shifted away from the sink awkwardly. It wasn't just the glare from his boy. It was because Gillian was wearing one of his t-shirts and it barely covered her backside. And when she lifted Lewis into his chair it rode up so dangerously high Cal could see she didn't have underwear on. And while normally that would all be very exciting and cause for following her around the kitchen in the hope that she would raise her arms above her head again... this time, it made him feel a little uncomfortable.

He took his coffee to the bedroom and one handed put together a kit for the shower: clean underwear, socks because it was getting colder now, a clean pair of jeans, a t-shirt. He took the pile into the bathroom and closed the door. With coffee still in hand, Cal turned the shower on and threw his towel over the cubicle wall so he could get to it easily. Then he set his half drunk coffee down on the edge of the vanity and stripped off the underwear he was wearing.

The shower was normally a really good time to think. But Cal couldn't think. He was half asleep. And he didn't know where to start. Last night was hands down the shittiest in his marriage. Probably out of both marriages. Probably not the shittiest of all time, but certainly up there and it was certainly on his mind now. Now he wasn't sure who had something to make up to whom. He knew today would be a long day. And he knew that he wasn't going to be able to trust Gillian alone. Not home alone, which meant Cal couldn't leave. And not alone with Lewis. In case she felt the need to take him to New York with her this time.

Cal shut the water off and listened. He couldn't hear voices. He pulled his towel and dried his face and hair roughly before wrapping it around his waist and stepping out. He reached for his coffee mug and listened again. He could hear the lilt of Gillian's voice. Good, she hadn't left then. Cal dried himself off and dressed quickly. He rubbed his hair a little more intensely, finished his coffee and emerged from the warm bathroom to an empty bedroom. Gillian had made the bed. She must have been and gone.

**PJ**

It seemed while Lewis's parents were slow with fatigue, a night of fighting and emotional fall out, the toddler was more energetic than ever. He squealed or screeched as he ran around the house. Cal didn't have the energy to try and stop him and it seemed Gillian didn't have the heart. She spent all day with her son. They played inside, outside, in the living room, in Lewis's room; he helped her unpack, showered with her, followed her around even if she tried to leave him alone. It was hard to tell if she was spending quality time with him or avoiding Cal. Cal was kind of happy to be left alone. He was still trying to work things out in his head. He wondered if he needed Doctor Wu again. Then he decided it was too soon to tell. It was too soon for anything.

By the end of the day, after Cal had cooked dinner and then forced himself to eat it even though he wasn't very hungry, he was exhausted. Lewis did not settle for a nap and that meant Cal didn't get one either, even though he camped out in his armchair for a few hours with his eyes closed trying. Every time it got a little bit quiet Lewis apparently found something so exciting he had to scream about it. At least the absence of a nap meant an early bed time.

"Goodnight," Cal kissed Lewis's cheek while the boy, still not quite getting the hang of a 'kiss' spread spit on his cheek. Cal gave Lewis a tighter hug than normal and Lewis squealed as he tried to fight his way free. Cal let him slide back to the floor. Lewis righted himself, found his balance and waddled over to his mother, his clean nappy making a squishy sound as he moved. Gillian was waiting in the doorway, hand outstretched. She had Lewis's bottle in her other hand.

Cal heard them disappear to the other side of the house and closed his burning eyes. He could feel the slight twitch of the orbicularis oculi muscle of his right eye lid. He was tired. Perpetually tired. Now he knew how Gillian felt when she said that she was always tired. He hadn't been paying enough attention. He wasn't listening to her?

"Can we talk?"

Cal opened his eyes and looked up. Gillian was standing over him, her face and body hesitant. Cal might have fallen asleep because Lewis wasn't with her. He patted his knee. Gillian wavered some more, and then folded herself into his lap. She liked the feel of his arms around her; she could pretend for a second that it wasn't weird. "Thought that's what we were doin' last night?"

Gillian recognised the fatigue on her husband's face. "What do you want to talk about?" Cal asked warily.

"You and me."

"Thought we covered that one last night," Cal repeated.

Gillian sat, waited – where to start? How to make him understand? It wasn't over. There was still more to stay, still further to go until they were ok again. She had to keep trying, trying to make him comprehend.

"Gill, whateva it is that I did, I want to make it betta. No matta how hard it is. No matta what it is. I'll make it different."

"It's not something you've done. I don't know how to explain."

Cal's arms tightened a little. "Then keep tryin' me until I get it." Gillian met his eye, a little surprised, mostly relieved. "I mean that. I'll do whateva it takes. I meant those promises. I _will_ fight for us." A pause, he swallowed. "Will you?"

Gillian nodded, "Of course."

Cal nodded, "Good."

"I can't believe you're being so nice to me about all of this," Gillian said softly, feeling small and humbled and undeserving. But she had to stop that, otherwise she would push him away and fulfil that feeling. She saw a flash of guilt on his face and knew immediately where his mind went: last night.

"I'm sure you feel guilty enough. And me layin' it on thick will only push you furtha away. Right now, I want you here with me. So we can work through the problem togetha. And if I don't try to put it aside, I'll spend the rest of our marriage punishin' you."

Gillian nodded. "Thank you," she said in a smaller voice.

"But," Cal added and she tensed. It took a long time for her to meet his eye again. "Don't get me wrong, I'm fully committed to doin' whateva it takes. Just not right now. I think we should focus on Lewis. He's got appointments next week and he's unsettled and he really needs us." Cal paused, blue eyes gauging her reaction. "He needs us to be there for him fully. Know what I mean?"

Gillian thought about what he'd said for a moment. Then she nodded slowly. What they had to work out between them was a huge task and Lewis wouldn't understand or deserve playing second fiddle to that. "I think that's a good idea."

"Then we can figa out how to be around each otha again."

That made Gillian's heart feel heavy but she nodded in agreement. Maybe that would let Cal be angry for a while, without it doing more damage. And then he could feel that anger and move on from the anger. And then maybe they could talk. "Good idea."

"I'm hurtin' right now," Cal added. "But I know you are too. You ask me why I'm bein' nice to you? It's cos I love you. I love _you_ more than I hate what you _did_ right now."

Gillian nodded and started silently crying. "I love you too Cal."


	22. Chapter 22

Monday, Cal went back to work. Reluctantly as hell, and he fought the urge to call home every five minutes to see if Gillian was still there. And when he drove back to the house at the end of the day, dread was heavy in his heart; it squeezed painfully as he pushed the button for the garage door. He expected her car to be gone. He was relieved to see it wasn't. He was supposed to be trusting because she was his wife and best friend and he had known her longer and better than he had known anyone else, aside from his daughter. But it was hard. Very hard. Trust was a matter of faith. He was sorry to say he didn't have a lot of faith in her right now. He didn't understand her, her actions, or what had happened that had made her bail. He knew he would get answers from her, eventually, and that he had to wait for them. But that was hard. Very hard. He could sense she didn't quite know what to say and making the next week about Lewis instead of them gave both of them a chance to get their head around things. It would take the pressure off. He didn't know how to fix their problems but he at least had faith that they would fix it. Trust, was a matter of faith. Cal's faith was shaken, but he still had it.

When he came inside Lewis was playing in the living room and he spotted his father and gave him an excited wave. Cal stepped over the barrier and Lewis stood, came over and wrapped his arms around Cal's left knee. Cal stooped, pried him off and swung him to his hip for a proper hug. "How was your day young man?" Cal asked placing a kiss on his hair. Lewis pointed towards the dining room, "Ah ah ah."

"Brilliant," Cal responded, having no idea what he was talking about.

Gillian came to the other door a second later and Cal wondered if Lewis was trying to warn him as to where she was. "Hey," she greeted, lightly, as if she was purposefully keeping her welcome casual.

"Hey," Cal responded feeling the pain in his heart that having no answers was causing. He second guessed himself. Maybe they should talk it out now. Lewis squirmed in his arms, wanting to be put down and Cal snapped back into reality. They had to deal with their son first. Cal needed to explain to her what had happened in the last few days. It felt like weeks ago. In some ways, he wished it was.

"How was work?" Gillian asked politely.

Forced conversation. An all time low. Cal nodded, "fine. The usual stuff."

Now Gillian nodded and they stood in silence for a moment. "Are you hungry? I can make a start on dinner."

Cal started to shrug and changed his mind. "Sure. Dinna sounds good." That would be a nice distraction. "Let me get changed and I'll help you." He escaped from the room. He heard the softest, "ok," as he walked away. Suddenly his shoulders felt really heavy. Cal slipped out of his button down work shirt and into a casual tee. It had been hanging over the end of the bed and it was only after he had pulled it over his head that he realised Gillian must have been wearing it. It smelt like she did. For a second, it made him feel funny. Funny in a good way. His stomach went squirmy as he breathed in her scent and thought about how cute it was that she liked to wear his clothes; as if he wouldn't notice. And then he remembered that she had abandoned him and he was angry and hurt all over again and wondering when the hell that feeling would wear off.

If he couldn't get past it, there was no hope for them.

And it suddenly felt like it was all his fault.

Cal went back to the kitchen. Gillian was at the sink washing baby potatoes. "How was your day?" He asked her politely.

"Good," she gave him a slight smile.

"Get up to anythin'?" May as well keep talking. Might break the ice.

"I went out for food and was going to tidy the house but it's already pretty clean."

"I had spare time on my hands," Cal explained leaning against the bench near where she was standing. She was his best friend. He wanted to run to her and tell her all about the shitty thing that had happened to him but he couldn't. She was the root of the shitty thing that had happened. Cal watched her face crumple slightly. "That wasn't a dig at you," he added quickly. "I was just sayin'. I had spare time, so I cleaned."

Gillian nodded, concentrated on the potatoes. Cal swallowed hard. '_Fuuuuuck_,' he cursed in his head. He took a deep breath, tried again. "Lewis has an appointment at the end the week with Docta Rosario to get his hearin' aids."

Gillian looked over at him, her blue eyes wide in shock and Cal remembered she had missed out on _all_ of that. "He's getting hearing aids?"

Cal nodded contritely. "Sorry. I forgot," he mumbled.

Forgot to tell you, forgot you weren't here.

"Let me," he indicated the door. He had brochures somewhere, test results, those pretty graphs showing Lewis's hearing range. Just as he reached the door he looked back at her. She was gripping the edge of the sink, staring down at the potatoes. She looked stricken, pale, completely distraught. Cal's heart went out to her. She might have self-inflicted her absence, but that didn't mean she wasn't just as hurt by it. She might have missed the doctor's appointments but that didn't meant she didn't care about what had happened in them. Cal hesitated in the doorway some more. She didn't seem to notice that he was still standing there or watching her. He wanted to go and hug her. He wanted to comfort her. Something was stopping him. He couldn't put a finger on it. He turned away and then turned back. He crossed the room. He _was_ going to comfort her. He wanted to and he had never not done so and there really wasn't anything that should stop him from doing so. She hadn't done irreparable damage. She hadn't broken his trust completely; she had just tested it in a very extreme fashion. Had he not done the same thing to her? On quite a few occasions? And hadn't she got past that? Who said he also couldn't?

Cal put his arms around her, hugging her from the side and it took her less than a second to turn into his embrace fully. Cal held her tightly, making sure her body was pressed up against his. Gillian leaned her chin over his shoulder, her arms around his back. It felt just as good holding her as it was being held by her. "I missed you," Gillian told him softly.

Cal felt his heart surge. That was what he had been missing. She hadn't told him she missed him. She said she was sorry but Cal didn't _feel_ her apology. He was sure it was sincere but until now, it mostly just felt like words. "Missed you too," Cal responded. "I'll tell you everythin' that happened." He gave her a squeeze and Gillian's arms tightened and it felt amazing; like there was nothing wrong at all. Cal closed his eyes for a second and just held her, breathed in the smell of her hair. God he was so in love with this woman. Where the hell had they gone wrong? He pulled away again. "I'll go get the information the docta gave me."

**PJ**

Gillian made a basic meal and it seemed the only one who was hungry enough to clear their plate was Lewis. He also managed to squish potato into his hair and into Cal's t-shirt when he made the mistake of getting in too close to the toddler. At first they ate in silence. Cal waited to see if Gillian was going to talk. Not _talk_, talk, just talk. But she didn't. Then he waited to see if she was happy with a comfortable silence and when he could read the uncomfortable set of her shoulders and the slight furrow of concern between her eyebrows, and saw the way her eyes only danced over to his direction very lightly, he realised she wasn't happy with the quietness at all. So he filled it. He described the doctor's visits to her. The technical aspects he went into detail about. The fact that Lewis had had a terrible experience, he glossed over. Cal just hoped he wasn't going to have to instigate conversation for the rest of his marriage.

After they had pushed their plates to the side, Cal showed Gillian the graphs charting Lewis's hearing test. He showed her the frequencies and what it all meant. A little part of him wanted to stop, so he could lord the information over her a little longer. But it was so easy to be mean and much harder to be nice. At the end of the day, he wanted to be nice. He wanted things to go back to how they used to be. He wanted to be able to sit in easy silences with his wife. He wanted for her to be able to start conversations with him. He wanted for them to have a united front with their son. He had experienced doing it alone and he didn't like it. It was hard.

"So the appointment this week?" Gillian prompted from across the kitchen table.

"Is to fit his hearin' aids and set them. Docta Rosario will set them up, check the volumes and all that and then show us how to do it."

"And then we go home?"

"We go home and we monita how it's all goin'. Then a few weeks afta that he'll have a check up."

"Have you already picked his hearing aids?"

Cal nodded. "Digital cos they're the best and they'll be easily adaptable as Lewis grows."

Gillian nodded.

"Docta Rosario suggested one colour for each ear so we can tell them apart and so Lewis can learn to tell them apart too. So I went with black and blue."

Gillian nodded again.

"Here," Cal took one of the open brochures and flicked through to the right page. He showed her the type and model. They were small, easy to operate, easy to clean, easy to check, were compatible with other listening devices and were able to be disconnected from the ear mould so a new one could be made as Lewis's ears grew.

Cal stopped talking. He was pretty sure he had covered everything. "What else do you want to know?"

Gillian shook her head. "I don't know. It's all a bit overwhelming."

Cal nodded. "We will have to have a convasation about speech therapy. Docta Rosario doesn't think Lewis is too far behind with what he's sayin' but he certainly undastands a lot less than he should at his age."

Gillian nodded slowly, her blue eyes watched him carefully.

"He said a new word the otha day."

Blue eyes widened slightly. Surprise. "Did he?"

Cal nodded. "He said 'that', which came out as 'dat' but I'm pretty sure that was what he meant." He told her about picking out the boy's pyjamas.

They sat in silence for a moment. It wasn't entirely comfortable. Cal found he couldn't tear his eyes away from her face. He was looking, watching, searching for all those muscle twitches he had given up on. They weren't talking like they should, so he did the next best thing for information: he tried to read her.

"I'm sorry you dealt with this is all on your own," Gillian said in a soft voice. She tended to look everywhere else but at him.

Cal nodded, gave a slight smile, covered her hand with his. A part of him wanted to tell her to cram her sorry up her ass. Another just wanted everything to go back to how it used to be. He didn't tell her it was all right though.


	23. Chapter 23

"Just stop! Stop being so understanding. I can't take it."

"You want me to yell at you and tell you you're worthless?"

Gillian hesitated. Of course she didn't want that.

"Cos I won't do it," Cal answered anyway. "That kind of destructive, mindless hurtin' isn't gonna get us anywhere." He paused. "So you stop. Stop it! Talk to me. Stop thinkin' I can't possibly undastand, when you haven't given me a chance to."

"I don't know how to react when you're being nice."

"Was Alec not very nice to you?"

Gillian shook her head.

"You know I'm not Alec right?"

Gillian nodded.

"And I'm Zoe, not Gillian."

'_Huh_?' Cal thought. All of a sudden he was having a conversation with his ex-wife. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. That was probably the millionth time he had gotten the two confused. And the million and first time Zoe had to point it out to him. He had such a hard time keeping Gillian out of his head. No wonder his marriage had broken down. He hesitated. His marriage to Zoe right? Who was he talking about now?

'_Stop it! Stop screwin' with my head.'_

Cal felt his leg twitch and all of a sudden he was awake. He actually rolled over to check and see who was in bed next to him. Light brown hair, freckled shoulder. Gillian. He hated that he had started dreaming. Although Gillian would tell him he always dreamed, just that he doesn't remember them. Or didn't. Whatever. He wanted to kiss that shoulder of hers. Instead he got out of bed. He used the bathroom and then crept past his sleeping wife, who seemed so much like a stranger these days, to check on their son. He was awake, playing in his cot.

"Dada!" He greeted.

"Funny how you keep yourself entertained quietly so I can actually sleep in on the one day I happen to wake myself up early."

Lewis looked at him curiously, then stood and offered Cal his robot. "Thanks mate," Cal took it and then picked Lewis up. "You need a new nappy?" He peered down the back of his son's shorts. "Oh mutha of god, you do." He sat Lewis on his changing table and thought that wasn't a very smart move. Probably was just going to mash things up in there a whole lot more. He handed Lewis back the robot and gathered together wipes, a cloth, the bin, and a clean nappy.

"What has your mutha been feedin' you?" Cal complained as he pulled back the tabs form Lewis's stomach. "Ugh," Cal turned his nose up in disgust. Lying on his back, Lewis mimicked the expression. Cal chuckled and worked quickly. "Might be easy-a to get a bloody wart-a blasta in here."

Lewis kicked his father's hand with his foot. Cal batted it away. Lewis kicked him again. "You know," Cal continued to talk. "I'm gonna start gettin' a complex if you continue to keep that up. You kick me, you clearly enjoy your mutha's company betta than mine." He paused while he slipped the clean nappy under Lewis's butt. "I don't know how to feel."

"I don't know," Gillian spoke up from behind him. Cal turned startled. She was leaning against the door frame. "He spent most of this week asking for you."

Cal turned back to focus on Lewis. He felt like he had been spied on. Which was silly. Just went to show a week was not enough time to heal his wounds. He finished with Lewis and pulled him up to sit and then lowered him to the floor. He turned again to find Gillian was gone. Cal cleaned up and then washed his hands thoroughly. He found both of his other halves in the kitchen. Gillian was making toast, Lewis was mashing his into his hair.

Gillian pointed to a mug on the bench. "For you," she offered.

Cal approached so he could see inside. Coffee and milk had been poured. "Thanks."

"And that," she pointed to the toast on the chopping board. It had all ready been buttered; the way Cal liked it, with the butter reaching all the way to the crusts so there was no dry bread. He had to smile to himself. She was trying really very hard for normalcy. But then, so was he. At least they were on the same page.

"I've been thinking," Gillian started. She went to give Lewis another square of toast.

"About?" Cal asked.

"Lewis."

Cal waited for her to go on. They might not be having easy conversations just yet but it was getting better.

"Maybe we should start thinking about day care."

"Oh," Cal blurted surprised, narrowly avoiding spluttering coffee over the bench. "I thought we were against the idea of day care?"

"Or some form of pre-school? He's getting to that age. He should be socialising."

"I agree. But how are we gonna fit that in around his hearin'?" Cal winced. "I mean, do you think it's gonna be a problem? Should we find a specialised school? Isn't there one in Alabama?"

"I would prefer not to move to Alabama. And when Lewis gets used to his hearing aids, it shouldn't be a problem should it?" She gave him an open expression, asking his opinion.

"No it shouldn't," Cal agreed. He was pleased they were having this conversation. He was even more impressed that she had instigated it. They had been dancing around a few conversations in the last few days. Aside from the obvious, Lewis was the other one. But Cal figured, now, that maybe she had just needed time to process all the information. He did. And he had been trying to do it while worrying about her.

"Maybe I'm getting ahead of where we're at?"

"Maybe?" Cal mused while sipping his coffee. "But it definitely is somethin' we should think about. We won't be doin' him any favas by keepin' him locked away in the house right?"

Gillian gave a slight nod. She leaned towards the toaster, which was behind Cal. He fought the urge to back away from her as fast as he could. She was about forty percent forgiven with him right now. It was improving but there was still a long way to go. And he constantly looked out for signs that she was committed to making things get better...

**PJPJPJPJ**

Cal felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and almost flinched. The woman sitting across from him had purple eyes. He wasn't kidding. He'd had to stare really hard to figure out that they were coloured contacts and not some trick of the light. Or genetic disorder. Or visitation from another planet. When he stared really, really hard, he could see a very thin line of brighter purple on the white of her eye, where the contact had slipped. That's how he knew. This woman was an easy read. But she seemed to have a hyperactive disorder because she would just not sit still. And neither would her mind. It jumped all over the show. She switched subjects in the middle of sentences. It was quite fascinating to watch. Cal figured the easiest way to figure her out would be to just ask the questions over and over a few times, while recording all her reactions, and then watch the footage. And by watch the footage, he meant he was going to make Ria watch the footage and flag the interesting parts and he would go over it later. And by later he meant Monday.

He thought about answering the call. And then decided against it. Whoever it was could wait. He would be finished with this interview in a few minutes. Even though the call would have been a nice excuse to bail on it early. Fascinating, but also a little tedious. Cal asked his next question and crossed it off his mental list. He had two more to go and then he would call it quits. These were the same questions he had asked fifteen minutes ago. His phone vibrated in his pocket again. Mystery caller had left him a message.

And then he forgot about it because he asked his last questions and got answers and asked a few follow ups. The interview took half an hour to finish. Then he gave Ria instruction about the analysis and went back to his office to shut down his computer and gather up a few files he wanted to work on at home over the weekend. Cal felt his phone start to vibrate in his pocket again. He pulled it out, remembering it had rung before. It wasn't ringing this time though. It was a text message telling him he had missed a call. Funny, he was supposed to get those messages as soon as the call had not been answered. He recognised the number immediately and it sent his heart into a little flutter. Not a good flutter. A nervous flutter. He cut to the voice message, feeling a little dread. He hoped to hell this was not what he thought it was.

"_Hey Cal, it's me. I was wondering if you could meet me somewhere? It's important. I'm at the Holiday Inn in C street. There's a key card waiting for you at the desk. Thanks."_

Cal listened to the message again. Hidden meaning? Hard to tell. She just sounded neutral. It could be a work thing. She had been out with Loker this afternoon. Maybe she had someone she wanted him to talk to that she couldn't bring to the offices. He dumped his folders on the passenger seat of his car. He sent her a text before pulling on to the road.

**ON MY WAY **

The Holiday Inn had recently been refurbished. Not that Cal would have noticed a difference. He had never stayed there. Not the D.C one anyway. He approached the desk and said there was supposed to be a key for him.

"Yes your wife has all ready checked in," the woman on the desk gave him a friendly smile. She handed over a key card and told him which floor he was on and directed him to the elevators.

Cal thanked her and walked away confused. His wife had all ready checked in? Was he meant to be checking in? Were they staying? He slotted the key card into the elevator and pressed his floor number. He liked that not just anyone could waltz on in and ride on up and wander on around the hotel. They were on the eighth floor. When Cal stepped out it was quiet. He could hear the hum of air-conditioning only. He had to check the key card for his room number again. Eight oh eight. He headed left and through fire doors. Eight oh eight was on his left. He wondered if he should knock. But then he had a key. Wasn't that an invitation to come on in?

Cal slipped the key into the slot and the light turned green. He leaned on the handle and the door popped open and then he knocked lightly.

"Come in Cal," Gillian called.

Cal pushed the door open further, not sure what he should expect. The room was decorated in classy creams and dark greys. The bathroom was next to the door and he had to step all the way across the threshold before he spotted the bed in the centre of the room and Gillian, who was scooting her way across it towards him. She was wearing jeans and a tank top. Her feet were bare; her toe nails a dark burgundy colour. It was one of Cal's favourite looks for her. So natural. She bounced over the carpet towards him as he let the door swing shut behind. She was alone.

"Hey," she gave him a smile and leaned in to kiss his cheek briefly and it was the first time they had touched each other in days.

Cal was startled by the gesture, but also pleased. He gave her a slight smile. "What's goin' on?" He made a point of checking out the rest of the room.

"Thought we could spend some time together," Gillian half explained. She took his hand, removing the key card from his grip and throwing it on to the bench next to them. Then she guided him further into the room. She turned him around and pushed his coat off his shoulders. Cal felt his stomach go weak. His mind fired with a thousand thoughts about what the hell they were doing. Was it work? Was this a booty call? Did it count as a booty call if it was his wife?

"What are we?" Cal started.

"Shh," Gillian told him. She was standing right behind him, her breath was on his neck and it sent a shiver through Cal. She took his coat and hung it over the back of a chair. She turned him around again. "These are for you," she gestured to a large bunch of flowers, also on the bench, next to the TV.

"You bought me flowas?" Cal was surprised.

"I've never bought you flowers."

"I know that..."

"And," she bounced on her feet again. "Lewis is staying with Matthew and Kate tonight."

Cal raised his eyebrows.

"So..." she blinked a few times rapidly and Cal knew she had something on her mind. She didn't say whatever it was though. She looked pleased with herself.

"You've had chocolate haven't you?" Cal asked gently, noting the excited glint of her eyes. He didn't reach for her. She nodded and smiled. "What's all this in hona of?"

Gillian's smile faded slightly. "It's time to talk."


	24. Chapter 24

"And we needed a hotel room to do it in? Is that so you don't have to clean up the blood stains?" Cal teased.

"I thought getting out of the house would be a good idea." She paused, looked a little disappointed. "You don't like it? Because we can go home."

"No," Cal stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. "I like it. And thanks for the flowas. They're beautiful." He eyed them up. She did bring him flowers. For his birthday, every year. But she had never done it on a whim. And it was sweet.

"I wanted to do something nice for you. You've bent over backwards for me... the last week..."

He knew what she meant, with her taking off and then coming back and then giving her space to think over the last five days without demanding answers, trying to make her feel like she was still part of their family, that he still loved her despite it all. Of course he still loved her. Cal wondered if he was back to being able to know what she was talking about without her saying it. Gillian took his hand and led him over to the mattress. She had been sitting propped up against the cushions. There was a body mark on the immaculately made bed. On the side table was a wrapper for a chocolate bar. The TV was on but muted now. She had been watching a movie while she waited for him. Cal smiled slightly. She _had_ had chocolate. He knew her well.

They sat cross legged, not quite facing each other, but Gillian held his eye for the first time in a long time. "You're gonna tell me what happened?" Cal asked gently. Or more, that he noted something he sensed was inevitable now. Gillian nodded confirmation. "From the start?"

She nodded again, gave a slight smile. "If you let me actually talk I will."

Cal held up a hand in a sign of parley but he had achieved his goal to break the tension slightly. His other hand continued to hold Gillian's. He could feel her skin get colder and knew she was nervous.

"I went to see Doctor Johansson," she started slowly, clearly unsure. Cal nodded. He remembered. "About..."

Cal nodded again. He remembered. "And?" He felt suddenly nervous himself. She had said something to him about not being able to have any more kids. But she hadn't assured him of anything else. "Are you sick?"

"No," she shook her head. "Not sick. Just changing."

Cal's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. She was being too vague. Did she want him to guess? He wasn't sure what she was trying to say.

"You know. Women of a certain age. Big hormonal shifts..."

Cal clicked. "Right." Of course. That made sense. That was actually a little bit of a relief. But now what did he say to that? "So... the docta's sure that's what it is? Menopause. That's what the erratic periods were about?"

Gillian nodded. "Pretty sure. There's no test to take," she gave a slight shrug. "So." She shrugged again.

"And no more kids," Cal added softly.

Gillian nodded. Tears flashed in her eyes. And Cal suddenly knew this was the exact reason why she had gone. Menopause was a death knell to her already fragile ego when it came to having children. Without it, she still had hope. She could have changed her mind. Now, she didn't have that choice. It had been taken away from her. Cal knew plenty of people who didn't talk to their mother's anymore. But they had the choice. Cal's choice had been taken away from him. He understood where his wife was coming from. He tightened his grip on her hand. "I'm sorry luv."

Gillian gave a slight nod and a little sob that she tried to repress. Cal could see she was fighting very hard not to lose it in front of him. That made him a little sadder, that she didn't feel she could let go. He wanted to pull her into a hug, but sensed it wasn't quite the right thing to do. Even if they were the most connected they had been in a week, it wasn't quite right. Not just yet.

"I know you have questions," Gillian spoke again, her voice a little strained, her shoulders set in tension. She raised her right hand to her cheeks and wiped a tear away with a flick of her fingers, as if she were annoyed that it was there. Cal made a mental note to make sure she had a good cry later. She needed it. He probably needed it too.

"I do have questions."

"You can ask them."

Great. Now where to start? And how to ask them without sounding like he was angry and accusing, when that was only half true? "Why didn't you call me back? Or text even! Why nothin' but silence."

"I needed space."

"You could have _told_ me that."

"Would you have left me alone if I called to ask you to? Or would you have demanded answers out of me that I couldn't give?"

Cal went silent because they both knew she was right. He really would have harassed her and probably just pushed her further away. But still... didn't mean he enjoyed being ignored those three days. That didn't mean she had found the best method for dealing with the situation.

"I can't say that I'm sorry enough," Gillian suddenly blurted. "I knew it wasn't right but I didn't know what else to do. I know now it was the wrong decision to make. And I regret making it."

"Did you even listen to the messages?" Cal asked in a small voice.

"Of course I did," Gillian's tone was loaded with emotion. "I would never not listen to the messages _you_ give me." She implored with her eyes. Cal could read between the lines. She was telling him she would always make his messages or contact her first priority. She was telling him this wasn't personal. That she didn't go to New York and talk to everybody else _but_ him. Which was something... Cal guessed.

"It just feels so personal."

"It wasn't Cal. It wasn't personal at all."

"But it feels like it was. In some ways it is. If you can't talk to me, then I haven't created a safe space in our marriage for you to be able to do so. And that _is_ personal."

"I _can_ talk to you. I do feel like I can talk to you."

"But not about this."

"No, don't interrupt. At the time, I had no idea what to say. I can't talk to you if I don't know the words to say."

Cal felt he could agree with that, but somehow it just didn't seem quite enough. Maybe he would have understood that she needed space. Maybe he wouldn't have been able to let it go. He might have succeeded in pushing her even further away. Maybe she was right.

"I can't explain how I feel if I don't know how I feel."

Cal nodded.

"Anything else?" Gillian asked gently.

Most of Cal's questions had been accusatory. And now that they were talking rationally like two intelligent adults, they seemed out of place to voice. At the end of the day, he had his answers. She had been hurting, confused, lost and she had run, made a bad decision, and it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with her. She was taking responsibility for it, she was aware, she was trying to make it better. What else did he need to know?

"I'll never do it again Cal. I promise. I will always stick around." Her grip tightened around his fingers for a second.

Cal nodded, finding a lump in his throat. So she was reading his mind again too. That was a good sign.

"I hope we can move on," Gillian added. She looked at him cautiously, hopefully; she was asking him.

"Of course," Cal managed.

"Do you forgive me?"

"I forgave you the minute you walked back through the door," Cal told her, and space be damned, he leaned forward and pulled her into an awkward hug. He felt her sob again and tried to press in closer to her. They jostled around each other until their knees were no longer in the way and they were holding on to each other tightly. Gillian cried and released her tension and Cal held her and let silent tears trail from his own eyes.

**PJ**

Gillian had packed Cal a bag. There were pyjamas, underwear and clean clothes to wear to dinner. They ate in the in-house restaurant. It was busy for a Friday night and most of their conversation was lost to a crowd of drinkers at the bar. But that didn't matter. Because Gillian, absently or on purpose, rubbed her foot up the back of Cal's calf all through their meal. And Cal could see down the front of her shirt, which was even more exciting when she leaned forward to be heard. He started to feel like things were normal.

After they ate they went back up to their room. Gillian lowered herself to the bed and the massive pile of pillows and complained that she had eaten too much.

Cal kicked off his shoes and loosened the buttons around the sleeve of his shirt. He smiled at her slightly. "Self inflicted luv."

"I know," she breathed, her eye fluttering open again to watch him.

"So what are we gonna do now?" Cal asked, climbing on to the bed, thinking she was so beautiful but that he was also so damn tired he could really just do with an early night.

"Why don't you come over here?" She gave him an enticing smile.

Cal shook his head slightly. Gillian pouted. "I don't think we should."

"You don't want to?" Gillian's blue eyes widened in fear.

"I wanna. I just don't think it's the right thing for us right now."

"I'm not sure I follow your logic."

Cal shifted so he was facing her. "I've neva..." he hesitated, let the awkwardness he felt show on his face. And then a very clear shame expression as he let the words out quietly. "Fucked you, before."

Gillian's cheeks turned a little pink. "Oh." She paused and looked away and Cal would have loved to have been able to fill the silence. He just wasn't able. "Me either," she gestured with her hand. "With you I mean."

Cal nodded. "It's not right. We've neva, eva done that. I hate that it happened."

"So you're going to punish yourself with abstinence?"

Cal gave a slight curl of his lip. His sign of amusement.

"Why don't you come over here and make it up to me? Or let me make it up to you," Gillian asked sultrily again.

"Temptin'. But I don't think we're quite there yet."

"I'm not sure I follow your logic," Gillian repeated slowly. "But I trust you," she added. Cal gave a slight nod of acknowledgement. "But you know. Don't let it drag out for too long. Because my self control only lasts so long with you."

Cal gave a grin. Flirting. Brilliant.


	25. Chapter 25

"Oh man, did I mention I was really full?" Gillian complained as she stared up at the ceiling.

Cal was lying on his side and he was watching her. He noticed one thing hotel rooms had in common. They were always light. Aside from the glow of yellow coming under the door... the curtains were never dark enough and the streetlights seemed extra bright. Or maybe it was because in cities there were other lights too; shops, billboards. There was a nice one of a lingerie ad right opposite their room's windows.

"Maybe you should have skipped dessert," Cal offered.

Gillian's head turned towards him. He could see her expression clearly. It was mock disgust. "You're kidding right?"

Cal nodded. "Yes I was kiddin'."

Gillian gave him a slight smile. Her hand reached out, cool fingers on his arm. "You're so cute."

"Boys don't do cute darlin', we do ruggedly handsome."

"That too."

Cal gave a slight smile.

"Cal?"

"Yes luv?"

"Are we ok?"

"Sure."

"That didn't sound very convincing."

Cal paused and thought about his words carefully. "It's not that I don't trust. It's that I need assurances."

Gillian turned slightly on to her side. "How can I assure you? I promised..."

"I know. But... I don't know what to say. Actions speak louda than words?"

"You need me to prove it to you?"

"Sayin' it and doin' it are two different things."

"They are," Gillian agreed.

Cal could see her face fall. He reached out and placed two fingers under her chin to tilt her eyes up to look at him. "Too honest?"

She shook her head. "No. Truth hurts right?"

"Somethin' like that. Which makes me hate to ask..."

"Go on."

"Do you want to be with me?"

Gillian's eyes widened slightly. "Of course!"

Cal didn't ask it to read her face; he couldn't see smaller muscles in the crappy light. He just needed the assurance.

"You know I love you Cal. I _want_ to be right here with you. I'm sorry you had to ask. I'm sorry I did that to you."

Cal let her chin go. He wanted to tell her it was all right. But he still wasn't quite sure of that. And it sucked for him more than it did for her. She felt a guilt over her actions; and Cal felt a guilt over his inability to get over it. Yet. He hoped it was yet. "I wish I could lie to you darlin' and promise everythin' will go back to normal. But I wouldn't be bein' honest with you or myself."

"I know," Gillian said in a very meek voice. "I'm glad you're honest with me."

Cal actually felt relieved at her words. "It's all right to tell you this?"

"Yes," she nodded. "I want to know. Then I know where I stand. If you can't see a way to even thinking about forgiving me than I'd rather know..."

"I can definitely see a way to forgivin' you luv. I just need time to... forget."

She nodded. "I'm really glad to hear that. And considering you've been so understanding for me I think it's safe to say I can be patient and do the same for you."

Cal gave a slight smile. "Good to know."

**PJ**

For the first time in a week they actually snuggled in bed. They didn't sleep as far away from each other as they could get. Cal didn't feel loath to touch her. They met in the middle, arms around each other. It was comforting and a sense of that normal Cal had so been looking forward to, but it was hot. The hotel room was heated and Gillian's body warmth woke Cal early in the morning. He threw back the covers as best he could; Gillian was lying on his other arm. He spread his legs to find cool mattress. Gillian shifted slightly; her hand trailed lower and started stroking him through his underwear. Cal, half asleep, took a second to register what was happening. "Mm," he half moaned as he woke up a little more.

Gillian didn't respond and Cal couldn't decide whether he liked what was happening or was being pushed too soon. Didn't he tell her that he didn't feel comfortable last night? He took her hand and pulled it gently away. She still didn't respond and he hoped he hadn't insulted her, hoped he hadn't set them back a small step. "Gill?" He whispered very gently. He didn't know the time, but it just _felt_ early. Indecently early. "Don't be offended."

Still no response. Cal shifted his head, trying to see her face. His arm was feeling uncomfortably dead so he used that as an excuse to move fully, to shift and turn and Gillian's head came away from his shoulder as he woke her up. She gave a slight frown, cracked bleary blue eyes at him and shifted to use her pillow as a pillow instead of his arm. She resettled, closing her eyes again, the frown disappearing. It was then that Cal realised she had been asleep this whole time. She had been stroking him in her sleep. He wondered what she was dreaming about. The curiosity was a turn on, more than her hand had been. He watched her face while she slept but it was peaceful and calm and gave away absolutely nothing.

Cal settled back on his pillow. His eyes burned with a compounded fatigue. He wondered if Lewis was all right with his aunt, uncle and cousins. The little guy was unsettled at the moment; all the doctor's visits and his mother taking a long weekend... The worst was that Cal couldn't communicate with him very well. He couldn't explain because Lewis didn't understand. Words were no good to him, he couldn't hear them, and he was too young. The only comfort he could give was in the form of very conscious gestures; hugs, lots of hugs, and the time he had spent with him in the bath.

When Cal woke again it was because Gillian was disentangling her legs from his and climbing out of bed. "Is it time to go?" Cal asked sitting up slightly to see the clock next to the bed. It was nine thirty now. Check out was at ten. They would have to move it to pack and shower on time.

"Late check out," Gillian told him, turning back and kissing his mouth briefly. Cal was startled by the gesture, because she hadn't done those kinds of things in so long; a week. Cal caught a surprise expression on her face too as she turned away. She had done that sub-consciously. Out of habit. Great habit. He liked that habit a lot.

Gillian went into the bathroom and Cal reached for the TV remote and clicked it on. He channel surfed while he waited for his wife to come back. He found an old Audrey Hepburn movie; _Sabrina_, if he remembered correctly. It had just started. When Gillian came back she gave the exact reaction he had been hoping for. "Oh I love this movie!" And she jumped on the bed and snuggled up into his shoulder again, hugging his arm tightly. Cal kissed the top of her head as he settled in to watch the movie. He liked it when his wife was hanging off his arm.


	26. Chapter 26

"So help me god Cal, don't make me come and drag you out of your office every time we have a Christmas party."

Cal looked up and gave her a smirk as she strode her way across his office floor, heels clicking out a rapid tempo, the tightness of her dress forcing her to take short but rapid steps.

He could see the smile on her lips even before she stepped into the light being cast by the lamp on his desk. The dress was stunning. She always wore red at Christmas. This one showed off the skin of her shoulders and the curve of her figure. And she looked great in it. She looked great in anything. She looked great in nothing.

"Cal," Gillian stood over him. She gave a flicker of a frown and Cal realised she must have been talking to him.

"Sorry luv, distracted," he met her eye and gave her a grin.

She smiled slowly until she was grinning and she shifted her weight slightly in those heels. She looked away as she fidgeted with the corner of the desk and was completely distracted. Cal suddenly clicked as to what she was thinking about and it made him feel twitchy. He got to his feet, stood in her space. He could smell her now too and it made his stomach feel more watery. In those heels, Gillian was his height. He stared into her blue eyes and saw how dark they were. Lighting? Or something else.

"What did you want?" Cal asked her gently.

Gillian stared at him like he was speaking another language. A little furrow between her eyebrows. "Uh." There was a sudden surge of noise from down the hall. Gillian seemed to remember. "Don't hide. Come out and mingle."

"I wasn't hidin'."

"Were you admiring the view?"Gillian asked lightly.

Cal gave a slight smirk despite himself. He had said that to her last Christmas. She had an amazing memory for the things he had said. She could quote his own words to him from five years ago. Cal took her hand, purposefully sliding his hand down her bare arm to slip his fingers between hers. He gripped it and stepped away, turning her as he walked around his desk and into his study. He took slow purposeful steps, making sure she could keep up with him without having to rush. She spent enough time running around after him.

"What are we doing?" Gillian asked.

Cal turned and tugged her forward just a little bit more. Perfect. He pointed up. Gillian tilted her head back and exposed her neck to him. Cal fought the urge to kiss it. She was wearing a thin gold chain around her neck and hanging from it was a pendant of a star. He wanted to kiss the hollow of her clavicle where it sat too. He could smell her stronger in that second and he wanted to kiss behind her ears. He felt her fingers tighten against his as her eyes connected with the mistletoe hanging above them.

She gave him a smile as she lowered her head again. Her blue eyes were even darker. "Mistletoe?" She asked innocently.

Cal nodded. "Do you know the Christmas custom of mistletoe?"

Gillian nodded, a slight smile on her lips. "Something about a kiss."

"Accordin' to custom, mistletoe is hung in the house all year round. All the young men have the privilege of kissin' the young women standin' underneath it."

"Better find me a young man then," Gillian smirked at him.

Cal took a half step closer. He didn't miss the intake of her breath. "And then they pluck a berry from the bunch." He was still holding her hand and her fingers twitched. "Once all the berries are gone, the privilege ceases."

"Hmm," Gillian's hand twitched again. She lowered her voice. "Are there any berries left on the bunch?"

Cal looked up and Gillian followed suit. Cal dropped his gaze quickly again to study her; face, neck, chest, shoulders. Damn she was beautiful. He felt his stomach flip flop and he suddenly felt warm. He got a little bit closer. Gillian dropped her gaze back to him. Her lips parted slightly.

"Well?" Cal asked. He could sense, more than see, the rise and fall of her chest. "Do I get the privilege?"

"Hmm, let me look again," Gillian almost whispered. Cal felt a tug in his groin. She tilted her head back slowly and Cal was drawn in. He ghosted his lips over her skin and wondered who was more in control of the situation right now. Gillian's head came back, her lips in his ear. "Cal," she murmured. "We can't do this here."

Cal gave a grunt, pulled away. "Says who?"

"Me. You."

Cal gave her a neutral expression.

"What if someone walks in right now?"

Cal kept his mask in place. He also sensed her start to take a step backward before she did. He pulled on her hand. "Don't you wanna kiss me unda the mistletoe?"

Gillian almost shivered but tried to suppress it and Cal realised she was having a very hard time keeping herself under control. He grinned. "Yes," Gillian responded weakly. "I do. But." Her eyes went to the door. "But..." she tried again.

Cal pulled her in closer by wrapping an arm around the small of her back. She definitely sucked in a breath as their bodies made contact. Cal could feel how warm she was and it made his heart start to beat a little faster. If he wasn't careful, the anticipation was going to kill him. "Today is an anniversary of sorts."

"Is it?" She asked, turning her head to meet his eyes.

Cal watched her until she clicked. He loved that she had a hard time keeping a clear head around him. Especially when they were like this.

"Oh," she realised. She smiled, her beautiful red lips curling upward. "I remember."

"Thought we should celebrate."

The smile deepened. "What if someone walks in?"

Cal started swaying. "Tell them we're dancin'."

"There's no music," Gillian pointed out.

"You always say we make our own music."

She blushed then. A full on blush and the heat rolled off her body. It was hard to tell where it spread to in the dim light but Cal would have assumed all along her collar bone and neck would also have coloured. Cal's groin twitched again. He turned her around in a slow circle and she indulged him, the genuine smile fixed to her features. Cal pushed her away gently so their arms extended out and then tugged her in again. Gillian giggled. Cal pulled her in tightly and she helped him by placing an arm around the back of his shoulders. That meant her chest was pressed against his. Cal felt a dangerous rushing of blood.

"So?" He said after a moment of enjoying the feel of her body against his. "Do I get my kiss?"

"Hmm," Gillian mused. "Have you been good this year?"

"You'd be betta equipped to ansa that for me luv."

Gillian laughed. She leaned into his ear. "You've been very good," she murmured.

Cal suppressed a groan. Now he wasn't sure who was teasing whom. He looked up and took a step backwards so they were under the sprig of mistletoe again. Gillian bumped into him because she was also looking up. He waited for her to meet his eye. He could see her lips were parted in anticipation again. "Merry Christmas Gill."

"Mmmm," she murmured. "Merry Christmas."

Cal pressed his lips against hers. His stomach lurched. Best kiss under the mistletoe ever. She was so warm and her hands were firm against his shoulder. He could smell her and feel the heat of her body and the way it moulded against him slightly. He pressed into her too as she parted her lips a little more and gave him better access. So much for worrying about someone walking in. There was no way they could dismiss such an intimate kiss like this one.

When Cal felt her tongue against his lip he just about fell down. Not only was the kiss hot and intimate but she was making it worse and the thrill of getting busted only added to his excitement. Cal turned her slightly and pressed his body against hers until her balance was upset and she had to take a step backwards. He kept going, pushing her gently towards the couch. He guided her down gently on to it and just about climbed into her lap. Her blue eyes flickered open and looked up at him with trust, as if he knew what he was doing. As if. When it came to Gillian Foster he rarely had any idea what he was doing.

"People will wonder where we are."

"Let them wonda."

Another deep kiss.

"Is this why you keep a couch in here?"

Cal grinned against her mouth. "Contrary to popula belief. No."

Gillian giggled. "How many women have you had in here?"

"Is that a serious question?"

She nodded.

"You mean, how many women have I had my wicked way with in here?"

She nodded again.

"None." He paused. "Although I'm workin' on talkin' you into it."

"Good luck with that," Gillian responded sardonically.

"The first step is just to plant the idea," Cal whispered under her jaw.

Gillian giggled again.

Cal groaned and pressed closer against her. He slipped a hand up the back of her thigh to her ass. Over the material of her dress but she still squirmed and her breath hitched a little. "Cal," she gasped and clamped a hand down on his wrist. "Stop."

"Was that a serious suggestion?"

Gillian nodded.

"One last kiss?"

Gillian nodded. Cal lowered his lips to hers and kissed her sweetly.

"Oh my god!"

Cal pulled back hurriedly, his heart pounding. Ria stood in the doorway looking shocked beyond reason. "Loker!" She called over her shoulder. Cal struggled to get to his feet. Even with Gillian shoving from beneath him. "Oh my god Loker!" Ria turned and jogged away, her heels clipping out a tattoo on Cal's office floor. They heard her call for Loker again.

"Shit," Cal cursed finally righting himself. He pulled Gillian to her feet. "That's that then."

"Apparently," Gillian responded.

"What are the chances of plausible deniability?"

"Without the mistletoe? Slim to none," Gillian laughed. She straightened her dress and finger combed her hair into place again. "Are you all right with that?"

"Kinda brought it on myself huh?"

She gave him an amused smirk. "You sure did."

"Worth it though," he growled at her, stepping in again for another kiss.

Gillian pushed him away. "Keep your hands to yourself." She turned her back to him. "And zip me up."

Cal grinned as he tugged the thin zip of her dress closed again. He leaned in to kiss the back of her neck. "Cal," Gillian complained with a shiver. "Behave yourself."

"What's the big deal?" He asked as he started to follow her out of the study. "Cat's out of the bag now."

"Time and place."

"My place? Anytime time, I'm not bothaed."

She shot him a grin over her shoulder as she reached the doorway. She stopped to smooth her fingers against his mouth, wiping away the lipstick smudges and they headed out into the hall. The Christmas party was in the reception area because it was the biggest space. Coloured lights danced on the walls. Music bleared. The traditional Christmas decorations were in place, tree, tinsel, fairy lights. As they got closer someone must have pointed them out because the music stopped and the lights got brighter and all of a sudden everyone broke into applause. Cal wasn't sure how it happened, but he was holding Gillian's hand and he looked over to see her smiling slightly in embarrassment.

"Hold up, hold up!" Loker called over the noise and the clapping fell away. "Ria says she walked in on you two making out."

Cal glared at him.

"Is that true?" Loker asked Gillian. "And remember. We can tell if you're lying."

Gillian gave a slight nod. "Yes it's true."

"Told you," Ria shot across the hallway at Eli.

"How long has this been going on?" Loker ignored her. Cal saw a flash of jealousy on his face and almost leaped over there to challenge him on it. Gillian's hand tightened in his and it kept him focused.

"A while," Gillian admitted.

There was a catcall from someone in the back.

"How long?" Ria demanded.

"Months," Gillian revealed.

"Months!" Ria exclaimed. "So the rumours were true."

Cal had almost forgotten about that. About the Mayor's charity ball back in April, when he had told Zoe about him and Gillian, and how Gillian had said the entire city would know eventually after that night. No one at work had said a thing about it and so he had forgotten about that little faux pas.

"Did you not think we might like to know that?" Loker jumped in again.

"Not sure how it's any of your business," Cal responded.

"Damn straight it's our business," Loker tried.

"Oh bugga off," Cal whined. "And turn the bloody music back on. Maybe you lot should have confirmed those rume-a's months ago." He stepped forward and tugged on Gillian's hand and pulled her along behind him. What he need now, now that everyone who worked for him new his personal business, was a drink.


	27. Chapter 27

AN: M rating.

**PJ**

"What time do we have to pick Lewis up?"

Gillian tilted her head back, credits ignored, to look up at him. "I said we'd call."

Cal nodded. "Then I might have a showa."

"And breakfast."

"You can eat afta last night?" Cal feigned amazement.

"Probably lunch now though," Gillian checked her watch as she mused. She looked up at him. "Want to go downstairs for lunch or maybe somewhere else?"

"You pick," Cal responded. "You've always had good taste in restaurants."

"And in many other things," Gillian added as she studied the room service menu.

Cal chuckled as he headed towards the bathroom, all ready tugging the shirt he was wearing off over his head. He turned on the water and stripped off his underwear. He had to stand and wait for the water to warm up and then slipped under the stream. He ducked his head to wet his hair then reached for the supplied shampoo. He sniffed it suspiciously. Sometimes they left something hideous, like passion fruit and jojoba. This one smelt like coconut. And it reminded him of Gillian. Because sometimes she smelt like coconut. Sweet and summery. And completely edible.

"Mind if I join you?"

Cal turned slightly. Gillian had one hand on the shower curtain, holding it slightly away from her body. She watched him carefully. "Sure," he agreed, opening the shampoo and suspecting she was a little nervous in asking him. She shouldn't be. That wasn't right. Not from his wife. "Do you want some of this?" He called over the top of the water, guessing that she hadn't left the room.

"What is it?"

"Shampoo."

"No. But I call dibbs on the body wash."

Cal reached for that too and quickly checked to see what it was. More coconut. That was fine. She could smell like that. He put it back and started washing his hair. A second later Gillian was pulling back the curtain completely naked. Cal stared. He felt a tug in his stomach that made him turn away so he could concentrate. Gillian, naked and wet; her ultimate weapon.

Cal stepped under the stream of water, letting it pound into his skull, distracting him from the image of her naked and conveniently rinsing his hair at the same time. He was convinced at times that she did these things on purpose. The foot on his leg last night? Stroking him this morning? Seriously? She must be trying to seduce him. She must be. And damn it, it was working. He felt a cool hand on his arm and stepped aside to let her have some water. He wiped it out of his eyes with his right hand; his left arm, the one she was _still_ touching, kind of was not responding to his commands at the moment.

"Mmm," Gillian murmured appreciation as the warm water hit her skin. Cal moved further away, giving her more access. That's what he had always done and he found it interesting that despite the last week, those gentlemanly habits of his hadn't gone away too. He spread conditioner through his short strands while he stood in the back. Gillian had her hair up so it wouldn't get wet and inevitably, a few short wispy strands had fallen down her neck anyway. Cal fought the urge to kiss her there. Fought the urge because he was actually in the middle of washing his hair, not because he didn't want to be close to her. He did. He really did. He just didn't want to force it like last time.

They swapped. Cal moved in to rinse the conditioner out of his hair and Gillian moved back to lather her body with the coconut lotion. Between the two of them, the smell was strong in the air. And all Cal could think about was Gillian, how the shower smelt like Gillian, how if he got closer he could almost taste it on her. He felt slender fingers on the back of his neck and they smoothed down over his shoulders. He stopped moving and the fingers retraced their path a little firmer this time. With Zoe, when she did things like this, it had been forced. She tried too hard to make up with him. With Gillian it felt entirely natural. Zoe only touched him like this when she was trying to make things better. Gillian touched him like this all the time and Cal dropped his shoulders into a more relaxed pose.

He realised he had been holding his breath and forced a deep one. He realised his fingers were twitching to turn and smooth over her skin too but forced them to keep still. He had to let Gillian do nice things for him too. She wanted their relationship to be balanced; he had to let her reciprocate. It was important. Her hands smoothed down over the back of his shoulder blades, firm over the muscles and yet tender and Cal felt his heart beat start to rise. There was nothing sexual in the nature of her touch, she wasn't groping his ass or anything, but still, the tenderness, the carefulness of it spoke of a deep seated love, and that had always been a big turn on for him when it came to Gillian. Nobody loved like she did. Nobody made him feel this way like she did.

The back rub went on for a minute more and then suddenly her hands stilled, fingers curled over his shoulders. "Cal," she said gently.

"Yes?"

There was a little pause. "I'm so turned on right now."

Cal just about blanched. He had so not been expecting that! He turned quickly, keeping close to her and saw a vulnerable expression in her eyes that he just wanted to kiss away. He dipped his head to do just that. The kiss was relatively chaste, but Gillian's hands on his hips pulling him in closer against her sure weren't and neither was the pounding of his groin and his heart and the overwhelming scent of coconut.

Cal broke the sweet kiss and pulled away slightly. The expression on Gillian's face was a question: 'Is this ok?' Was it ok that she wanted him and was going about it in an active way even after he'd told her he wasn't ready to go there again? Yes. Yes it was. Cal gave a slight nod and kissed her again. Gillian parted her lips against his and their tongues met simultaneously. Cal sucked in a breath and kissed her hungrily. His arm wrapped around the back of her shoulder and drew her in tight and somehow she managed to find enough space to slip her hand between them and stroke him with those slender firm fingers of hers. He growled in reaction; sub-conscious, but thrilling the both of them. Their kisses became more heated and fingers caressed roughly in the absence of undressing. The water continued to pound into Cal's back and he decided he was too hot for it to be welcome anymore. He took a half step towards Gillian and she took one backwards. Their bodies were pressed so close together, every time he moved she had no choice but to move with him.

They felt their way carefully over the bathroom floor, flinging the shower curtain out of the way and taking cautious steps until they were off the tiles and onto more solid, grip friendly carpet. Gillian trailed a hand along the wall as they rounded the bathroom and moved much more confidently and purposefully. Cal followed, taking her lead towards the bed. He was thrilled, not just with the feeling of her mouth and hands, but that she wanted him so badly, that the last week hadn't changed their physical attraction; their magic.

Gillian found the bed and lowered herself onto it and Cal looked down at her naked and wet form thinking she was just so beautiful. She pressed her knees together and he knew, just knew, that she couldn't stand the pounding of her own body any longer. Her blue eyes were dark as she looked up at him and she switched from an almost guarded expression to smouldering. Cal's stomach flip flopped but he took his time in climbing up on the bed over her; so he could stare her down and make sure his gaze was just as hungry as hers was. As he got closer, lower, he saw her shiver in anticipation. He grinned and kissed her. Her hands were on him again but less desperate this time. This time, they kissed slowly, sweetly, letting the press of their mouths draw out. Hands and fingers explored at a purposeful but calm pace. They had all the time in the world for this, all the time in the world for each other and they both knew that now.

Cal kissed carefully but the returning passion set him on fire with a heat he was desperate to put out. Their pace returned to frenzied and Cal didn't care, because sex with Gillian had been many different things, but always fucking amazing. She moved his hands to the places she wanted them and gave little moans of delight when he did something she liked. Those little whimpers and sucked in breaths and the way her body twitched and gravitated towards him, the little furrow of concentration and control between her eyebrows, the smell of her skin, the coconut mixed in with her distinctive scent; all of it drove him wild. This was like making love with her the first time they had done it. They didn't talk, just felt their way, sensed what was right and wrong, what was too much or too little, what felt good and what didn't.

Gillian pushed a delicate hand against his shoulder and Cal turned on to his back. "I can't wait," she whispered to him before sliding down on to his hips.

Taken by the surprise by her quick action and the shock of delight, Cal's back arched up towards her. "Oh God," he murmured.

Gillian gave him a slight smirk as she repositioned. Her hands pressed against his belly button lightly until she was balanced. Cal was happy to let her work for a bit, but his hands felt restless, she was too far away. He sat up a little higher and hooked a hand around the back of her neck, pulling her down and into a kiss.

"Is this ok?" Gillian asked him.

Cal gave her a grin. "Certainly."

"I mean. That we're doing this?"

"Too late to stop now luv." He paused and every inch of him hated to ask, but he did, "Unless you want to stop?"

Gillian's blue eyes widened slightly. "No!" She stopped and looked unsure. "Do you want to stop?"

"Hell no," Cal responded and pulled himself to sit up. "Always a willin' participant luv." He kissed her, heatedly. "Always," he murmured against her lips and turned her over on to the mattress. Their legs tangled and their bodies pressed close as Cal set a slow rhythm. He was glad they waited, even if it was just twelve hours more. It gave them time to reconnect without the pressure of physical intimacy. And it meant their reunion wasn't fraught with lingering tensions.

"Mmmmm," Gillian moaned, her hands finding their way to his upper arms and gripping tightly. "Do it harder." She squirmed when he complied and her fingers tightened their hold. She moaned again, requested again and Cal complied again, watching her beautiful face morph into painful delight. "Oh god!" She whimpered. "Make it stop!"

"Make what stop?" Cal murmured.

"The torture!" She groaned, blue eyes fluttering open to regard him carefully.

"Do I torture you?" Cal asked deciding he would be alarmed later if it warranted it. As far as he could tell she was having a great time.

"Yes!" A shock of pleasure made her shiver.

"Tortured in a good way right?"

"Yes," she moaned again, her eyes closing, the furrow between her eyebrows again. "Oh Cal! Make it stop," she begged.

Cal dropped his head to kiss the delicate skin under her ear. Her hands shifted into the back of his hair. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too." Her hand curled down his neck and over the back of his shoulder as she pulled him into a full body hug. They couldn't have gotten closer in that moment than how they were right then.

"Cal," Gillian whispered. He upped the tempo. "Oh Cal!" She moaned. He brought her closer. "Cal!" She called out, her arms tightening, her body arching. "Oh god!" She whimpered again while Cal had a hard time concentrating. "Oh Cal," Gillian cried and Cal lost it, freezing up as the pleasure rocked through him.

"Bloody hell," he whispered, surprised by the intensity of it.

"Keep going," Gillian demanded. And Cal complied again, quickly, until she froze up with the same intense shock wave of pleasure. He moved away, leaving her to enjoy it so he could catch his breath. Being with Gillian made him feel young again, like he could go all night or for hours on end. He probably couldn't, but he _felt_ like he could. It was nice to have a wife who wanted him just as intensely as he wanted her. He wished again that he'd met her twenty years earlier, that he had fallen in love with her first, before Zoe, before Alec. He hadn't even known her half his life yet. But he was certainly going to make sure they were in the rest of their lives together.

"Ugh," Gillian groaned. She turned towards him and took his hand. "I want another one." She half pulled his hand and half shifted herself until his hand was between her legs. She guided his fingers, shifted her hips, pressed her mouth to his shoulder. She bit lightly as she slipped his fingers inside her and then gave a little gasp as he curled them upwards without being prompted. "Ohhhh," she moaned and Cal decided he would quite like to be part of this aftermath. He turned towards her and tucked his other arm around the back of her shoulders so he could hold her. He pressed his forehead against hers, feeling how hot her skin still was.

"Cal I want you to know I love you," Gillian murmured to him.

"Is that cos I'm doin' this?" He pushed his fingers in further.

She squirmed, bit her lip, had to take a second to think clearly again. "No," she breathed deeply. Her fingers tightened around his wrist. "It's because it's the truth and I feel it stronger with you than I've ever felt it before in my life."

Cal gave a slight smile, his cheeks feeling warm under the flattery. He didn't have to look at her face to know it was the truth. He just knew it. In fact, he closed his eyes and pressed his lips against her nose and cheek, kissing her delicately while they lay in one of the most intimate of positions he'd ever been in, even by their standards. "I love you too," he whispered back.


	28. Chapter 28

"Good to see you again," Doctor Rosario shook Cal's and then Gillian's hands. They echoed the sentiment. Although really, it wasn't good to see her. Cal wished they had never met, because if Lewis's hearing was fine, then they would have no reason to know Rosario at all. "I hope everything is ok with your mother," Rosario asked Gillian politely.

Gillian only hesitated for half a moment, the surprise only registered for a split second. "Yes, thank you," she said seamlessly. Cal loved it when she did that.

"I assume Cal brought you up to speed on Lewis's tests?"

Gillian nodded.

"Ok," Rosario got down to business. She nudged a box on her desk forward to bring their attention to it. "I have Lewis's hearing aids here. So we'll fit them on him and I can run the set up diagnostics and then show you how to use them." Moulds had been taken while Lewis was under anaesthetic having his follow up test the week before. Rosario moved quickly.

Cal nodded and felt a pang of nervousness. He wished there had been some way to explain to Lewis what was going to happen, to warn him in some way. But he was too young to understand. Cal longed for the time when he would only have to raise his voice at his son when he was in trouble. "I have a question first though."

"Sure," Rosario gave him an easy smile.

"How is it that Lewis passed his other tests? At his monthly checkups."

Rosario's eyes slid away to think. "I can't give you a definitive answer because I haven't seen his medical file. The wrong tests were carried out? The equipment was faulty? He might have even fluked a few of them or his hearing loss may have been too marginal for his doctor to pick up. Perhaps his hearing loss worsened over time. It's hard to tell."

Cal nodded.

"Sorry I can't be more help."

"That's all right. I appreciate your candour."

They moved over to where Lewis was playing with the blocks on the floor. He got up from his crouch as he noticed everyone come over and went to his mother to show her or offer her one of the blocks.

"Ohh thank you," Gillian took the item and picked Lewis up into her lap and held him. At first, Lewis was quite amenable. When Doctor Rosario approached with the hearing aids he was curious. When she attempted to put them on his ears he had a fit. He started out by turning his head away, then shoving, then kicking and screaming and crying. Cal felt bad on two levels. Poor Doctor Rosario having to put up with their screaming toddler. And poor Lewis, who just didn't understand or like what was happening to him.

"It might be better if you try," Rosario suggested to Gillian.

"I'll hold him," Cal jumped in, his fingers itchy to get in the middle of the fray. He shifted to sit next to Gillian and pulled Lewis into his lap. Under the pretence of a hug he tucked Lewis's arm under his and pinned it to his body. He trapped is legs under his other elbow so Lewis was lying across his lap, and used his spare right hand to bat down and hold Lewis's left. It was just another form of a bear grip. Lewis tried to squirm his way free, but at least he had stopped screeching his head off. "Hey, hey, hey," Cal told him gently. "Stop." He rocked Lewis, trying to be soothing, because if he didn't have words then he had body language.

Lewis looked up at him, blue eyes brimming with tears. But something seemed to pass between them and he gave up struggling. Cal let his hand go and wiped away a tear sitting just under the bottom of Lewis's eye lid. He caressed his hair. "All right?" Cal asked him. "You know, we're just tryin' to help you."

Lewis whined and gave a squirm. Cal held him tighter. "Listen," he told Lewis and then he looked up to find both women giving him the kind of expression he would expect if he'd just rescued a kitten from a burning building. He jerked his head to indicate that Gillian should move in with the hearing aid. Rosario handed her the blue one, the one for Lewis's left ear. Rosario knelt with her and showed them how to turn it on and how it should be attached to Lewis's ear. Lewis fought and Cal kept telling him to just listen. Now that it was on and pressed into Lewis's ear, he could actually hear them, even if it wasn't secured properly. "Listen," Cal told him again and tightened his arms against a particularly strong push from his son. "Listen!" He said as if something exciting was going on.

Lewis stopped squirming, his blue eyes suddenly wide with curiosity. Rosario made an adjustment. "He should be able to hear you clearly now," she added moving away again.

"Lewis," Cal spoke first. Lewis turned to him, eyes still wide. "I love you."

"Yah yah," Lewis responded quietly.

"Lewis," Gillian spoke. Lewis turned towards her. "Hi," she gave him a smile.

"Ah ah," Lewis answered.

Cal loosened his grip and allowed Lewis to sit up. He turned his head so Gillian could fit the other hearing aid on his ear and Doctor Rosario turned it on and made the adjustment.

"Much betta huh Lewis?" Cal asked. Lewis looked up at him. It would have been neat to get a nod in response, but Lewis probably had no idea what he'd just said. Not because he couldn't hear him... not this time. Lewis reached up a hand to pull his left aid off. "No," Cal told him sternly. "Leave it. It's meant to be there. It's helpin' you."

Lewis watched him for a second and then tried again. "No Lewis," Gillian told him, using the same tone of voice Cal had. Lewis hesitated again. Then he defiantly reached up a hand up to his ear.

**PJ**

"Bloody hell Lewis, you're supposed to leave them on," Cal pinned Lewis down, again, while he fixed his hearing aid, again.

"Cal!"

"What?" Cal asked startled.

Gillian approached and used a specially designed band to hold Lewis's hearing aid in place against his ear. "Stop cussing around him. He can _hear_ you."

"He doesn't know what it means," Cal let Lewis slip between his hands to the floor where the toddler crouched and looked up at him.

"But he will eventually," Gillian gave his arm a tap in annoyance. "So quit it now." She got up and went back to folding the washing.

"Hey Lewis," Cal spoke to his son. "Would you like to read a book?"

"Book, book, book," Lewis got to his feet. It was an easy way to spend time with Lewis. Now that he could hear words and other sounds, TV and books were his favourite things to do. And considering Cal had walked through the door literally two minutes ago, he was too tired to get down on the floor and play with the blocks. Gillian had asked him to keep Lewis out of her hair for awhile. And also, it was better that one of them keep an eye on the little guy while he still got used to his hearing aids. It had been a few weeks now and progress was good, but every so often he chucked a fit and decided he didn't like his ears being obstructed.

Lewis returned with a book about farm animals, because since he had discovered they all had unique and very interesting sounds, he couldn't get enough of them. Gillian took a stack of washing and left the room again. "All right," Cal grabbed Lewis by his upper arm and pulled him into the gap between the armchair and his thigh. Lewis was just a little guy; short like his father, small like his mother. Lewis pushed Cal's arms out of the way so he could open the cover of the book himself. He turned the first pages excitedly to get to the part where the actual story started. It wasn't really a story though. Just the animals and the noises they made. It was very basic, but then Lewis was starting from scratch again.

**PJ**

"Hey Gill," Cal stopped her as she came in for the second stack of washing, the one that was tea towels, cloths and bath towels.

"Yeah?"

"Come here. Listen to this."

She turned and approached where father and son were sitting. She crouched down next to them while Cal turned the pages to the start of the book again. "Hey Lewis," Cal got his attention. He turned the page. "What noise does the cow make?"

Lewis turned his head to look at Cal. He looked unsure.

"Moo," Cal prompted.

"Mooo," Lewis responded in a clear voice.

Cal grinned at him. "Very good!" Lewis gave an excited squeal back, blue eyes flashing. Cal turned to the next page. "What about this one? What's this one?"

Lewis looked up at Cal again. "Woof woof?"

"Yes! Woof, woof!" Cal repeated. He turned another page. "This one?"

Lewis looked down at the image. "Maow."

"Meow," Cal repeated.

"Maow," Lewis tried again, his voice sweet and clear. He giggled and clapped his hands together, pleased with himself.

"Oh my god," Gillian breathed next to them.

Cal turned his head to look at her. Lewis flipped the next page and pointed to the pictures, talking to himself in nonsensical sounds. Finally. Finally false sounds and conversation.

"That's amazing!" Gillian said quietly again. She looked at Lewis in wonderment.

"I don't think he lacks the intelligence," Cal said. "I think he just lacked the tools to get there. And now that his ears work it's like the last puzzle piece fell into place and we have a mastapiece."

Gillian continued to study Lewis with awe, while he reached the end of the book and closed it triumphantly. "Ahp!" He declared.

"Finished," Cal supplied.

"Blish blip," Lewis responded and wriggled his way forward to the edge of the chair and dropped to the ground. He raced towards the book case for another.

"He's gonna be fine," Cal told Gillian. He had a warm fuzzy pride in his chest, hearing his son form words so clearly and so quickly after being introduced to them properly.

"I know," Gillian said almost in disbelief. She seemed stunned. Cal reached out a hand to stroke her cheek and her blue eyes connected with his. She gave him a slight smile and Cal gave a surer one in response. Her smile deepened and tears flushed her eyes.

"How about you?" Cal asked gently. "Will you be all right?" Gillian gave him slightly confused eyes. "Menopause?" Cal prompted. "We didn't end up talkin' about it much."

Gillian gave a little smile. A forced smile. "I know. And yes. I'll be ok."

Cal studied her slightly. "You sure?"

"Yes," she gave a nod of her head. "I have you and Lewis and..." she gave another grin, as if she had just thought something amusing.

"What?" Cal prompted, amused simply by the excitement in her eyes.

"I have hope."

"Ah, the magical 'h' word." He paused. "Hope for what luv?"

"Hope that everything will be fine."

"More kids?" Cal prompted.

Gillian gave a wan smile. "No more kids," she said with only a hint of resignation.

Cal raised his eyebrows. Lewis decided on a book and approached, holding it above his head and yelling loudly.

Gillian smiled as she watched him round the couch. "I feel good."

Cal's eyes flickered lazily over her face.

The truth.

He gave a nod and helped Lewis climb into his lap again. He felt good too. Everything felt good. And now that he thought about it, he had hope that everything would be fine too.

**PJ**

_Phew! This was a hard one to write. The deeper I dug that hole the harder it got to get out of it again! I honestly got into the middle of their mess and couldn't see a way out again. I was seriously contemplating separation. Not divorce, but certainly going their separate ways for a while. And it broke my heart a little to think that is where these two ended up! They were supposed to be infallible. So. Needless to say, I wasn't going to accept defeat._

_Also, I want to add, that I don't have any experience with hearing loss in the very least. All of it, all their emotion and all of the technicalities (although I tried to keep them to a minimum because I DON'T know what I'm talking about) were either imagined or researched. I simply put myself in Cal's shoes and decided to write how he felt based on how I would feel if that was my son. If you felt Cal's heartache for Lewis, then I did my job right. And thanks for letting me know that you felt it! Thanks for sticking with me through the darkest instalment of my alternate universe. _

_I've shared part of my world with you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and well wishes and love with me. Read you around some time._

_PJ xxx_


	29. Chapter 29

"Anyway, I'm ramblin'. Just wanted to say that it's great to celebrate an important day with friends and family," Cal raised his wine glass. "So thank you and cheers."

There was an echo of 'cheers' around the table and then the gathered group fell back into pockets of conversation. Cal sat again and Gillian was immediately on his arm, leaning in with a warm smile to give him a kiss. She tasted like red wine and he could tell from the way her eyes swam slightly that she was a little bit tipsy. Cal gave her a grin as she pulled away again. "See I played nicely?"

Gillian gave him a nod, her blue eyes flashing in amusement, except in this light they seemed very dark. "I saw. I'm quite impressed."

"Quite?" Cal repeated.

"Yes," Gillian nodded. "Quite."

Cal broke into another grin. Gillian's fingers found their way into his hand and squeezed twice, a silent signal that asked if he was all right. Although probably on this occasion, it would be safe to assume she was telling him she was proud of him. The big birthday celebration had been her idea, of course, and she had had to talk Cal into it, of course, but he hadn't resisted too hard. They needed a celebration. Since Brandon Bloody Mitchell two years ago, things had been tough. All the trouble with Lewis's birth, the trouble with his hearing, the trouble with Gillian wanting more kids. Cal was amazed that through all of that he would be the solid rock, the stable one. And now that all those troubles were over with, Lewis was used to his hearing aids and doing well in pre-school and with his speech therapy, and Gillian had officially reached the point of no return for fertility and the subject had firmly been dropped once and for all; life was good. Cal didn't feel so tired and old and beaten down. This was celebrating his fiftieth birthday, even though he was actually turning fifty-one this year, but he felt at least ten years younger. At least. More like twelve.

Gillian was on his left and Lewis was supposed to be sitting next to her, but he was moving around the table, unassumingly charming the pants off everyone who was gathered; Ria and her husband Karl, Eli and a date, Zoe and her date, Kate and Matthew, Emily and AJ. A small group, but people Cal would consider good friends. Yeah, even Zoe. He'd known her for the better part of how long? Wait, how old was Emily? Twenty-four? Twenty-five? Or was he getting ahead of himself by a few years? He'd have to ask Gillian later. Maybe she was twenty-three. Now he was sure she was only twenty-three.

Now that dessert was over and a few speeches had been made people started to move around the table. Kate and Matthew excused themselves to get back to a baby sitter. Emily took AJ and moved into the vacated seats to talk to her mother. Gillian leaned in to Cal again. "Guess what?" She whispered.

"What's that?" Cal studied her eyes.

"Emily's wearing an engagement ring."

"She what?!" Cal blanched loudly, and almost choked on the spit in his mouth. He turned his head to his daughter.

"Don't be obvious!" Gillian admonished quietly, giving his arm a squeeze.

Cal felt a cold sweat break out between his shoulder blades. "What do you mean she's wearin' an engagement ring? Did she say somethin' to you?" His eyes studied his wife's face in a frenzy.

"Relax," Gillian told him pointedly and suddenly she seemed completely sober. "I just noticed she was wearing a diamond ring."

"On her right hand?"

Gillian shook her head amused. "No Cal, left hand, appropriate finger."

"So she didn't say anythin' to you?"

"No, I'm just guessing."

"Women's intuition?" Cal winced, hoping she was wrong. He had just gotten used to the idea that his little girl was grown up, a graduate, working and living with her boyfriend. And yeah, it _had_ taken him years to get his head around the concept.

Gillian nodded. "This sage old woman's intuition."

Cal sighed heavily and finally relaxed. She could be wrong. She could be. She probably wasn't.

"And you better act surprised and happy for her when she tells you," Gillian warned.

"Do you think Zoe knows?"

Gillian looked down the table and let her eyes roam over all those gathered, under the pretence of searching for Lewis. "No," she turned back to Cal. "I don't think so. See how Emily's holding her hand under the table so her mother won't notice?"

Cal looked. Sure enough, Emily had her left hand in her lap, under the table cloth. "I thought I was meant to be the observant one."

"So did I," Gillian teased.

"Momma," Lewis inserted himself between them. He barely came up to the height of the table. His little hands pushed his parent's apart so he could climb into his mother's lap.

"Hi Lewis," Gillian greeted, always delighted to see him. Lewis rested his head on her chest and closed his eyes.

"I think that's our cue," Cal told Gillian.

"Yeah," she nodded stroking the back of Lewis's short hair. The curls were mostly gone and the fine hair was starting to thicken and darken slightly too. Lewis was growing up and showing a personality Cal hadn't encountered before in a two year old. Lewis was sweet and unassuming and didn't crave attention. He was happy to play by himself and wasn't prone to temper tantrums (except when he was tired and if they didn't take him home soon then he would quite happily put one on display) and if Cal was stupid enough to have another kid late in life he had struck gold with the mild mannered Lewis.

They got up and said their farewells, but invited the rest of them to stay and finish the wine on the table; everything was already paid for. "I'll walk you out," Emily got to her feet too. AJ followed dutifully. "Why don't you come out with us Mom?" She suggested and Cal felt fear grip his heart. Zoe shot Cal a 'look' but he gave a slight shrug; no, he didn't know what it was about.

**PJ**

They made small talk while Gillian put Lewis in his car seat. Cal could hear him resisting her, which he always found ironic seeing as he was the one who wanted to go home to sleep. It was his bed time after all and also a work night. Cal could do with going home to sleep too. How convenient to have the excuse of a grumpy two year old.

"So what's this all about then?" Cal prompted his daughter as Gillian approached them again, Lewis now screaming his head off in the car. She linked her arm into the crook of his elbow and gave it a squeeze. She was telling him to behave.

"We didn't want to rain on your parade Dad," Emily started. "But seeing as we're leaving tomorrow and we're on a tight schedule." They had only come down to DC for the birthday party. "We're going to do this now."

"Do what now?" Zoe asked.

Emily reached out for AJ's hand and an excited light fell into her eyes. She watched her father's face while AJ made the announcement that they were going to get married.

"Oh my god!" Zoe burst out.

Cal broke into a smile. Ten points to Gillian, she was right. "Congratulations!" He offered stepping forward to embrace them both while Zoe did the same thing. They ended up in a group hug. Then Cal stepped away to shake AJ's hand while Zoe hugged Emily and examined the ring and then Cal hugged Emily while Zoe hugged AJ. Then Cal realised Gillian was standing on the cusp of their group and pulled her against his side. She offered Emily a hug and her congratulations too. And in the meantime, Lewis decided he needed to yell louder because he was clearly forgotten.

"We should really go," Cal pointed out reluctantly. "What time are you flyin' again?"

"Dad," Emily complained. "For the fifth time, our flight is at six thirty."

"Right," Cal remembered again for the fifth time. Too early to have breakfast and polite farewells. He pulled her into another tight hug. He kissed her forehead. "Talk to you soon."

Emily beamed, "Sure."

Cal shook AJ's hand again as Emily said goodbyes to Gillian and then Cal turned to Zoe, mother of his daughter, who was now engaged to get married. He gave her a light hug. "She's growin' up."

"I know," Zoe sighed.

"Talk to you late-a too."

Zoe nodded. Gillian was waiting for Cal by the car and as he approached she slipped into the passenger's seat. Cal slammed his car door shut and turned to her as he twisted the key in the ignition. "You were right."

She gave him a slightly smug smile. "I know."

Cal turned away to pull on his seatbelt. "Hey Lewis!" He raised his voice to be heard over the unsettled toddler. "Home time buddy." Lewis ignored him. "Wave to your sista." He demonstrated and Lewis copied, waving a hand pitifully while tears streaked down his cheeks and he looked as though he almost regretted having a fit when he could have had extended hugs with someone he wouldn't see for a while.

**PJ**

"Uh huh," Gillian acknowledged. Cal turned his body towards her. "And then I'm meeting Paul at three so we can go over contracts et cetera."

"Paul?" Cal murmured his question. "We on first name basis with him then?"

"He said I could call him Paul," Gillian pouted through her tone.

Cal shifted a hand down her rib cage and felt Gillian shiver underneath him. He kissed a trail down her neck, over the material covering her chest to her navel. He kept going, shifting the blankets up over his head as he went. "Cal," he heard her warn.

"Can't hear you," he responded as he reached the elastic of her underwear. Once upon a time they used to wear pyjamas to bed but as the years went by they tended to ditch more and more clothing as they got used to sleeping closer and closer together. Cal found it far too hot to sleep in anything but his boxer briefs and Gillian slept in underwear or a tank top, or one of his t-shirts, depending on how cold she was.

Cal heard Gillian moan softly as he used his fingers to pull the elastic away from her skin so he could tease his tongue along her skin. She squirmed slightly and then gave a huff. "_Cal_," she said a little firmer this time. Her fingers found their way into his hair. Cal shifted lower. "We don't have time for that."

"There's always time," Cal returned.

"Huh?" Gillian lifted the blankets.

"Don't watch me. You know I'm shy."

"We have to get up Cal and get ready for work. And Lewis will be awake any minute."

"I'll be quick."

"Just what every girl wants to hear," she retorted with an eye roll.

Cal grinned at her and then her cell phone started ringing. "You get that, I'll get this."

"No, Cal!" Gillian exclaimed his name as he burrowed his face into her underwear. She flinched as she reached for the phone. Cal knew for a fact she couldn't not answer a call when it came in; aside from when she'd gone to New York and blanked him for several days, she always obsessively reached for her phone. She liked being contactable, available, dependable, reachable.

The covers dropped back over his head and Cal used his hands again to peel down her underwear. She attempted to squeeze her legs shut as she answered the phone but Cal was already in there and his shoulders blocked her off easily. He could hear her talking quietly and then all of a sudden she sat up, her body scooting away from him towards the head of the bed so he was left with her shins. He shifted so he was in fresh air again and sighed.

"Ok thank you," Gillian hung up the phone.

Cal turned his head to look at her. "What was that?"

"Day care. Apparently there's a bug going around. They said to keep Lewis home today."

"Thought you had a meetin' with your new boyfriend?"

Gillian gave an embarrassed kind of smile. She threw her phone onto the bed covers and slipped out off the bed. "Hey!" Cal complained. "We were in the middle of somethin'."

"No you were trying to start something," Gillian threw the covers back into place and straightened them on her side. "I'm trying to get ready for the day."

"What are you gonna do about Lewis?"

"Bring him to work for a bit. See if he's content. And you can take him at three?"

"I'll think about it."

"Funny," Gillian shot over her shoulder as she headed into the bathroom.

Cal stretched his arms above his head and startled as her phone started ringing again. He reached for it, checking the caller. It came up as a series of numbers, so her directory didn't recognise it. "Gill, your phone!"

"Can you answer it please?"

"Hello?" Cal picked up the call.

"I'm looking for Doctor Foster," a polite female voice requested.

"Docta Fosta?" Cal repeated. It had been a long time since he'd heard that name. "Um, yeah, all right, hang on a minute." Cal put his hand over the phone. "Hey Docta Fosta!"

Cal heard the toilet flush and then the sink. "Phone for you!"

"Who is it?"

"I don't know," Cal responded indignantly. "Do I look like your secretary?"

"A little bit. But she wears tighter clothes," Gillian gave him a bright smile as she came back into the room. She took the phone from him and walked to her dresser to pick out clothes to wear under her clothes. Light layers was Gillian's number one dressing rule. She wanted to look good but she hated to be cold and with the weather starting to turn it was better to be prepared.

Cal watched her move around the room. At first, her movements were confident. She picked out a bra and clean underwear, and a light tank top to wear underneath her shirt. And then all of a sudden she seemed caught off guard by whatever the person on the phone was saying to her and she came to sit on the end of the bed. She hadn't said much but Cal felt like he was intruding on her conversation. He looked away and studied the curtains while he listened in.

"I, uh, wow, that was a long time ago." A small pause. "I'm very flattered," and Cal was suddenly aware that her eyes were on him. He turned his head slightly to see her. She looked a little worried. "I'd have to discuss it with my husband." A longer pause while she listened. "Yes. I can call you back in the next few days. And thank you."

"What was that about?" Cal invited her to share once she had hung up.

"Uh. That was the adoption agency."

Cal's first thought was '_what have you done?'_ He sat up and shifted so he could see her face. She looked surprised. "What did they want?" He tried to ask without accusing.

"My profile is still on their books. From years ago. With Alec."

Cal filled in the blanks. "And someone wants you to adopt their baby?"

"Someone wants to meet me." She paused. "Or us?" She frowned. "I don't know."

Their bedroom door pushed open and a sleepy Lewis wandered in. His blue eyes squinted against the morning light like he had literally rolled out of his bed before opening them. Gillian's face immediately lit up. "Good morning Lewis," she greeted while signing the phrase at the same time, by bringing her hand firmly away from her chin, stopping it and then moving it to her outstretched arm.

"Mum, mum, mum," Lewis responded which is what he often said in place of words he didn't know. He signed the greeting in return even if it was lazy. Cal signed 'good morning' to him too. He asked how he slept. Lewis buried his face into his mother's chest and ignored his father.

"I love it when he does that," Cal muttered.

"I said I'd call them back in a few days."

Cal had to do a mental double take to keep up. "Well, what's the, who, what? I mean, what? Tell me more. I need more information. Why do they want to meet you? Cos they want you to adopt their kid? What? And who?"

Gillian shifted Lewis to the mattress next to her. He crawled over the bed to scoot under the covers on his mother's side, where it was still warm and smelt like her. Gillian turned so she was facing where Cal sat. "A young woman saw the profile Alec and I had with the agency. I don't know why it was still on their books. But there's a young woman who is interested in meeting me, or us I guess. She's having a baby girl."

Cal felt his heart suddenly still and his skin temperature drop a million degrees.

"A baby girl Cal."

"Aw sweetheart," Cal sighed. "Can I think about it?"


End file.
